Angry Mob Burns Down Ebola Hospital After Learning They Can't Take Free Biohazard Souvenir Home

DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO — In what public health officials are calling 'a completely understandable yet deeply unfortunate misunderstanding about how infectious diseases work,' an enraged mob torched an Ebola treatment facility Tuesday after staff declined to release a contaminated body for a traditional burial, citing what experts described as 'literally every rule of medicine ever written.

The incident began when family members arrived at the treatment center expecting the same level of customer service one might find at, say, a Costco return desk, only to be told that their beloved deceased relative had been classified as, quote, 'an active biological weapon wrapped in a human-shaped container.'

'We just wanted to take Uncle Mbeki home,' explained one furious relative, gesturing toward the smoldering remains of what was previously a sterile medical tent worth approximately four million dollars in international aid funding. 'Is that so much to ask? He barely has any Ebola on him.'

Dr. Emmanuel Lukusa, the facility's chief epidemiologist, attempted to explain the situation using diagrams, charts, and a hand puppet named 'Señor No-Touchy,' all of which were also subsequently set on fire.

'We understand the community is upset,' said Dr. Lukusa from behind six layers of protective equipment and what appeared to be a bunker. 'But there is a non-zero chance that taking the body to a public funeral where everyone hugs it goodbye would result in slightly more Ebola.'

WHO representatives flew in to assess the damage, landing just in time to watch the last remaining tent collapse dramatically, like a very expensive s'more.

Meanwhile, the mob has reportedly filed a formal complaint with the hospital's Yelp page, leaving a one-star review titled 'Refused to give us the plague corpse. Very rude. Would not recommend.'

At press time, international aid organizations had pledged to rebuild the facility, adding that they were 'cautiously optimistic' about the new location they'd selected, approximately 400 miles away from everyone.