DeDoDoDo

Science

Fresh science absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.

57 articles

Try a random articleSearch the archiveSubscribe for weekly nonsense
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Federal Atmospheric Moisture Precipitation Continuity Bureau Releases 612-Page Compliance Report Confirming That Rain Which Fell From The Sky Did So In A Downward Direction Onto Things That Were Below It, Precipitation Analysts Describe Event As 'Wet, Ceiling-Originated, And Affecting Surfaces In The Impact Zone'

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Federal Atmospheric Moisture Precipitation Continuity Bureau Releases 612-Page Compliance Report Confirming That Rain Which Fell From The Sky Did So In A Downward Direction Onto Things That Were Below It, Precipitation Analysts Describe Event As 'Wet, Ceiling-Originated, And Affecting Surfaces In The Impact Zone'

The Federal Atmospheric Moisture Precipitation Continuity Bureau has released its long-awaited compliance report confirming that rain, once again, fell downward during a rain event, describing the findings as 'peer-reviewed, gravity-adjacent, and broadly consistent with every other time it has rained.'

Science•3 min read
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Federal Gravity Continuity Office Releases 340-Page Compliance Report Confirming That Objects Released From Height Proceeded Downward In A Manner Consistent With Previous Objects, Physics Liaison Describes Descent As 'Vertical, Accelerating, And Resolved Upon Contact With The Floor'

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Federal Gravity Continuity Office Releases 340-Page Compliance Report Confirming That Objects Released From Height Proceeded Downward In A Manner Consistent With Previous Objects, Physics Liaison Describes Descent As 'Vertical, Accelerating, And Resolved Upon Contact With The Floor'

The Federal Gravity Continuity Office has concluded its 18-month investigation into whether gravity remained operational during the prior fiscal year, releasing findings that confirm it did, at a cost of $4.7 million. A second study to verify the first study has been greenlit.

Science•3 min read
Area Puddle Formed During Tuesday Rain Event Remains Under Active Surveillance By Cedarville Surface Water Accumulation Task Force, Officials Confirm Puddle Is 'Wet, Ground-Level, And Reflecting The Sky Above It With Some Accuracy'

Area Puddle Formed During Tuesday Rain Event Remains Under Active Surveillance By Cedarville Surface Water Accumulation Task Force, Officials Confirm Puddle Is 'Wet, Ground-Level, And Reflecting The Sky Above It With Some Accuracy'

Cedarville's Regional Science Oversight Bureau has activated its Level Two Atmospheric Awareness Protocol after clouds above Millard Fillmore Boulevard were confirmed to be moving, prompting officials to urge residents to stay informed, stay indoors if they feel like it, and avoid looking directly at the sky 'with too much confidence.'

Science•3 min read
Interagency Time Integrity Task Force Determines That The Hour That Passed Has Now Passed And Is No Longer The Current Hour, Panel Notes Elapsed Status Was 'Measurable, Concluded, And Retroactively Confirmed'

Interagency Time Integrity Task Force Determines That The Hour That Passed Has Now Passed And Is No Longer The Current Hour, Panel Notes Elapsed Status Was 'Measurable, Concluded, And Retroactively Confirmed'

The Federal Atmospheric Sciences Subcommittee on Chronological Integrity has concluded a fourteen-month investigation into the sequence of days, releasing a landmark 412-page report this morning confirming that yesterday did, in fact, occur before today. Local officials have been notified and are working to clarify nothing.

Science•3 min read
Emergency Guidance Issued by Tri-State Mug Monitoring Consortium After Coffee Placed on Desk at 8:47 AM Was Found to Be 'Room Temperature and Vaguely Disappointing' by 12:14 PM, Thermal Panel Notes Elapsed Time Was 'A Known Factor and Also Measurable'

Emergency Guidance Issued by Tri-State Mug Monitoring Consortium After Coffee Placed on Desk at 8:47 AM Was Found to Be 'Room Temperature and Vaguely Disappointing' by 12:14 PM, Thermal Panel Notes Elapsed Time Was 'A Known Factor and Also Measurable'

Federal scientists have issued an urgent public safety advisory following a landmark $4.7 million study confirming that hot beverages, when left unattended, become progressively less hot over time. Citizens are urged to remain calm and to 'emotionally prepare for the possibility that their coffee may already be gone.'

Science•3 min read
Federal Science Advisory Board Determines That Object Dropped From Height Subsequently Fell Downward, Describes Direction Of Travel As 'Gravitationally Consistent And Non-Negotiable'

Federal Science Advisory Board Determines That Object Dropped From Height Subsequently Fell Downward, Describes Direction Of Travel As 'Gravitationally Consistent And Non-Negotiable'

A coalition of leading physicists and materials scientists has released a comprehensive 847-page study confirming that a cube of ice placed on a kitchen counter at room temperature did, in fact, melt — with experts calling the findings 'alarming in their repeatability' and urging the public to 'proceed with caution around frozen water going forward.'

Science•3 min read
Peer-Reviewed Panel Confirms Proximity To Capitol Building Does Not Confer Legislative Immunity To Bullets, Calls Findings 'Foundational'

Peer-Reviewed Panel Confirms Proximity To Capitol Building Does Not Confer Legislative Immunity To Bullets, Calls Findings 'Foundational'

A blue-ribbon panel of interdisciplinary experts has formally confirmed that being shot by police constitutes a discrete and measurable event, adding that the Capitol dome, while visible from the incident location, 'did not appear to intervene.' An investigation is underway, which investigators describe as 'the phase before anything happens.'

Science•3 min read