Fresh science absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.
51 articles
A seventeen-member research panel has concluded a four-year investigation into fire temperature, releasing a 340-page report confirming that fire is, in fact, hot, while cautioning that the term 'hot' remains subject to ongoing definitional review.
The Federal Office of Atmospheric Continuity released a 47-page memo Thursday confirming that breathable air has, in fact, persisted through overnight hours for the third consecutive quarter, while stressing that the findings should not be interpreted as a guarantee of future air.
A team of researchers at the Millhaven Community Science Annex has confirmed, after an exhaustive 14-month observation period, that the sun has risen in the eastern sky on each recorded morning, describing the pattern as 'statistically suggestive' and calling for additional funding to determine whether this will continue.
A seventeen-year, $340 million federal research initiative has concluded that the sun does, in fact, rise in the east, with lead researchers describing the findings as 'robust, reproducible, and frankly a little upsetting.' Property owners and compass manufacturers have been notified.
A blue-ribbon panel of interdisciplinary experts has formally confirmed that being shot by police constitutes a discrete and measurable event, adding that the Capitol dome, while visible from the incident location, 'did not appear to intervene.' An investigation is underway, which investigators describe as 'the phase before anything happens.'
A senior botanist's routine all-hands presentation descended into procedural chaos Tuesday after slides confirming that plants consume light rather than food prompted seventeen follow-up questions, a formal rebuttal from Facilities, and an emergency sidebar with Legal.
Federal researchers have confirmed what millions of Americans have long suspected: gravity is objectively worse on Mondays, and the government would like everyone to please be more careful with their belongings until further notice.
An international consortium of solar researchers has formally notified the Sun that it has been rising in the east for billions of years, constituting what experts are calling 'a systemic directional error of staggering scope.' The Sun has not yet responded to requests for comment.
A peer-reviewed team of entertainment demographers has confirmed what early models long predicted: the population of 'Police Academy' cast members is, in fact, subject to ordinary thermodynamic constraints, a conclusion experts describe as 'surprising in its confirmation of the obvious.'
In what scientists are calling the most poorly timed corporate communication in the history of biology, the Global Botanical Continuity Division held a mandatory all-hands meeting Tuesday to announce that photosynthesis, Earth's primary food and oxygen production system, will be 'deprecated' following a strategic realignment.
Federal geologists have confirmed that gravitational pull in the continental United States increases by a statistically significant 0.003 percent every Monday morning, and local emergency management officials say residents should begin preparing now before next week arrives.
A landmark 12-year study published in the Journal of Applied Percussive Engineering has finally validated what frustrated consumers have known for decades: hitting your broken TV, router, or laptop at a very specific angle does, in fact, fix it.
In a bombshell regulatory document, SpaceX revealed that its ambitious plan to build data centers in space has hit a critical snag: there are only three guys on Earth who sell the necessary computer chips, and two of them still haven't responded to Elon Musk's texts. The third one said 'lol no.'
A landmark 12-year study from MIT has finally validated what every frustrated human being has known since the invention of the television: percussive maintenance is not only effective, it is the single greatest technological advancement in human history.
OpenAI's new Chrome extension provides round-the-clock therapy for the 47 abandoned tabs slowly dying in Jerry Kowalski's browser since 2019.
Groundbreaking research reveals that your fiddle leaf fig has been silently critiquing your Netflix binges and questionable romantic decisions for years.
Groundbreaking research from MIT reveals that procrastination creates microscopic temporal distortions that accelerate the passage of time around important deadlines.
Marine biologists at the University of California reveal that bottlenose dolphins have operated a sophisticated financial fraud network for over three decades, leaving thousands of sea turtles financially ruined.
Scientists baffled as unidentified chemical compound eliminates all traces of seasonal illness among exposed workers, though side effects include temporary ability to see through walls and speak fluent dolphin.
Researchers found that the widely-used cardiac supplement contains microscopic hearts that died from loneliness after being rejected by the body's other organs.
Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that common houseplants possess sophisticated emotional intelligence and have been silently critiquing their owners' dating decisions, career moves, and Netflix viewing habits for decades.
Breakthrough research reveals that houseplants have been conducting elaborate social networks to discuss their owners' questionable life choices and watering techniques.
NASA crew members express confusion after historic mission fails to bring celestial body home as promised.
Groundbreaking research reveals that the planet's desperate need for validation is what keeps objects attracted to its surface.
Artemis II mission reveals groundbreaking finding that the vacuum of space may not be ideal for human survival, leaving space agency scrambling to revise decades of 'space is fun' promotional materials.
Researchers at the Antarctic Institute discovered that emperor penguins have been deliberately sliding on ice and filing fraudulent injury claims with nature's healthcare system.
NASA crew members express shock and concern after realizing the massive celestial body has been 'totally stalking' their spacecraft for three days straight.
Mission Control expresses concern that crew members have been treating the $28 billion lunar expedition as their personal Instagram photo shoot.
Breakthrough research reveals that flora worldwide have maintained an extensive communication network dedicated primarily to complaining about human gardening techniques and fashion choices.
Researchers at Stanford have discovered that chronic procrastination is not a behavioral issue, but rather an infestation of tiny temporal parasites that literally steal seconds from their human hosts.
New research from the Institute of Botanical Psychology confirms that your fern thinks you're a disappointment and your succulent questions your career decisions.
Pittsburgh man maintains his sudden inability to speak while floating 250 miles above Earth was purely coincidental and definitely not space being passive-aggressive.
Medical professionals nationwide are celebrating the release of cholesterol guidelines so straightforward that the cholesterol itself has reportedly begun self-regulating out of sheer embarrassment.
Researchers at Stanford have discovered that most major scientific advances throughout history were actually complete accidents that scientists later claimed were carefully planned experiments.
MIT researchers using advanced botanical communication technology discovered that houseplants spend 73% of their time discussing their owners' personal lives, fashion choices, and questionable life decisions.
Groundbreaking research reveals that putting things off until the last minute generates microscopic temporal pockets that can extend deadlines by up to 3.7 seconds.
Agency sources confirm that upon reading the mission details more carefully, administrators realized the ambitious lunar program requires leaving Earth's atmosphere, a development one official called 'concerning.'
Scientists discover that the Amazon molly's millennia-long cloning ability stems from advanced meditation techniques and a strict skincare regimen that puts influencers to shame.
Groundbreaking research reveals that millions of dollars worth of scientific instruments mysteriously lose all functionality the moment researchers want to go home.
Groundbreaking research reveals that most major scientific discoveries occur when exhausted doctoral candidates accidentally spill coffee on equipment while attempting to microwave day-old food.
Tanyka amnicola, a prehistoric aquatic creature with sideways teeth and a twisted jaw, expressed dismay upon learning from scientists that it was deemed a 'living fossil' even by its own contemporaries.
NASA scientists shocked to discover the massive space skull suffers from chronic flaking, prompting urgent intergalactic dermatology consultation.
Groundbreaking research reveals that chronic procrastinators have been unknowingly manipulating the space-time continuum, causing deadlines to approach at significantly reduced speeds.
Researchers at MIT discover that houseplants have developed sophisticated emotional responses, with 87% of ferns expressing disappointment in their owners' life choices.
Researchers at the University of Vermont discover that ferns are particularly critical of millennial decor, while succulents approve of minimalist aesthetics.
A groundbreaking study reveals that plants have developed a complex social network dedicated entirely to critiquing human behavior, with ficus trees emerging as the most savage critics.
A comprehensive meta-analysis of global scientific methodology has uncovered the uncomfortable truth that most peer-reviewed research is conducted using the 'fingers-crossed' method.
Researchers call this the most significant finding in human history.
New research reveals aquatic aviation is real, but only Tuesdays.
Experts had believed otherwise for decades until this morning.
New study reveals felines are merely glitchy holograms.