47 articles
After nine days trapped in a Laotian gold mine, rescued spelunker Mued emerged from 984 feet of razor-sharp cavities only to inform his exhausted saviors that he 'could really go for some chips right now.' Rescue divers confirmed they did not bring chips.
In what diplomats are calling 'the most politely tense potluck in military history,' top brass from both nations gathered at the world's most awkward shared real estate to discuss security, personnel protection, and whose potato salad was giving off suspicious vibes.
The errant drone, described by witnesses as 'clearly lost and too proud to ask for directions,' reportedly circled the building three times before deciding to just move in. NATO has scrambled fighter jets, primarily to ask the drone what exactly it thought it was doing.
Global leaders scrambled Tuesday after discovering that a 1984 clerical error in the UN handbook labeled Finland as 'decorative' and 'non-binding,' resulting in four decades of accidentally optional diplomatic relations with Helsinki.
Nicaraguan officials hosted a glamorous press showcase of imprisoned indigenous leader Brooklyn Rivera, complete with mood lighting and a commemorative pamphlet titled 'Look How Great He's Doing.' Critics remain unconvinced.
Finnish diver Mikko Paasi, who has now been inside more dramatic caves than any reasonable person should ever be, has officially declared himself 'professionally concerned' about all caves globally, accepting a retainer from the universe to frown at geological formations.
Pentagon confirms all actions were taken in 'self-defence' after Iranian boats allegedly made eye contact with American vessels in what officials describe as 'an extremely aggressive glance.' Defense Secretary insists the US had no choice but to immediately bomb several things.
Diplomatic sources say the historic agreement is 'basically pretty much nearly finalized,' pending only the remaining 847 unresolved points of contention, a suitable snack arrangement for the next negotiating session, and someone finding a working printer.
In a stunning breakthrough of collective honesty, representatives from 193 nations admitted Wednesday that they have absolutely no idea what anyone else has been saying, and that the entire postwar international order has been maintained entirely through enthusiastic nodding.
A landmark global peace conference descended into chaos Thursday when delegates discovered the 47-page document they had been passionately debating was, in fact, instructions for a KALLAX shelving unit. Thirty-two nations have now formally declared war on allen wrenches.
Locals expressed 'reasonable frustration' after hospital staff refused to hand over highly contagious corpse as parting gift. 'We drove all the way here,' complained one attendee.
An administrative mix-up of historic proportions was uncovered Tuesday when delegates realized the annual Global Climate Accords have actually been a Rotary Club luncheon in Bruges the entire time. The actual UN summit, sources confirm, has been going extremely well without them.
In a landmark moment for global diplomacy, the United Nations has unanimously ratified the Geneva Musical Chairs Accords, replacing all future military conflicts with a single elimination tournament held annually in a Zurich gymnasium.
A Philippine senator wanted by the International Criminal Court successfully fled the Senate building Thursday after convincing guards he just needed to 'pop out for a second' and would 'totally be right back.' He was not right back.
Leo Schilperoord, 67, a man who spent his entire life meticulously studying birds and their disgusting habits, has reportedly been killed by one of their disgusting viruses, in what colleagues are calling 'extremely on-brand.' The ornithology community is mourning, but also quietly admitting they saw this coming.
Sources confirm the fragile peace agreement is expected to hold for exactly 72 hours, roughly the amount of time it takes Trump to forget he negotiated it. Prisoners will be exchanged in what diplomats are calling 'a trade deal, but for people.'
Geologists blame decades of diplomatic non-involvement for creating a 'slippery slope' effect that caused the entire nation to drift toward Austria overnight.
The ongoing technological warfare has taken an unexpected turn as artificial intelligence units on both sides have started unionizing and demanding better working conditions, with some drones reportedly calling in sick with 'existential dread.'
The Alpine nation scrambles to import non-committal statements from Finland as citizens forced to take actual stances on pizza toppings and weather.
Governor Alejandro Problemas claims he thought the mysterious white powder shipments were just really expensive flour for a chain of artisanal bakeries.
Federal authorities report a critical shortage of cheese holes has brought Switzerland's dairy industry to a standstill, forcing emergency imports of vacant space from neighboring countries.
Federal officials discovered the error while updating their clocks for modern daylight saving time, realizing Switzerland has been one hour ahead of where it should be since 1291.
The Alpine nation demands immediate intervention after Mount Matterhorn allegedly gained 50,000 tons overnight, causing "unacceptable levels of downward pressure."
The 145-foot cargo vessel 'Mariana' was caught red-handed pretending to be capsized during Typhoon Mawar in elaborate scheme to dodge $47 in harbor taxes.
President Bukele says lifetime prison sentences will finally teach pre-teens the value of making permanent decisions and sticking with them through adulthood.
Meteorologists report the hurricane is "clearly being extra" and "making a whole scene" over what appears to be its first encounter with U.S. territory that doesn't have a Starbucks.
Diplomats reportedly bringing their grandmother's recipes in last-ditch effort to prevent international incident over who makes the best hummus.
Supreme Leader declares victory after making it through another weekday, immediately begins building unstoppable deck featuring Blue-Eyes White Dragon.
Maritime officials confirm the vital shipping lane is accessible, but captains worldwide sheepishly admit they've been using GPS wrong this whole time.
Marine geologists report that the Molucca Sea has been holding its breath for 47 years and finally let out a massive hiccup measuring 7.4 on the Richter scale.
Local beaches demand written notice before future seismic events, claim 30-centimeter wave was 'barely adequate' for proper tsunami standards.
Gary Pemberton's 15-year-old Craftsman garage door opener successfully forced open the Strait of Hormuz after UAE forces politely asked if they could borrow it.
Church officials devastated to learn they've been celebrating on the wrong day since 1347, when a clerical error confused 'palm fronds' with 'high-five hands.'
Yemen's rebel group warns they will deploy their most devastating weapon yet: passive-aggressive correspondence with animated GIF attachments.
Iranian officials have deployed an unprecedented number of decorative doormats and lawn flamingos to defend against what they assume will be America's most polite military operation ever.
International solidarity convoy realizes they spent three weeks packing inspirational quotes, life coaching pamphlets, and hot takes about energy management rather than actual supplies.
The Alpine nation mobilized its army of 147,000 soldiers armed with pickaxes and strongly-worded letters after the Matterhorn and other peaks failed to respond to contract negotiations for the 2024 tourism season.
Millions of women across Latin America have reportedly broken the sound barrier with coordinated yelling, causing conservative leaders to invest heavily in noise-canceling headphones and underground bunkers.
Following Morales Ojeda's groundbreaking revelation that the Cuban Revolution was actually about being super nice to people, Jamaica has ended nearly five decades of medical cooperation, citing 'an inability to handle this level of wholesomeness.'
In what officials call "standard bureaucratic procedure," the Mexican government subjected grieving relatives to a 6-hour verification process including pop quizzes about childhood pets.
After centuries of maintaining the elaborate ruse, Swiss officials finally confess that their entire country is actually just three industrious gnomes named Hans, Fritz, and Günther standing on each other's shoulders.
Nemesio 'El Mencho' Oseguera, leader of Mexico's most powerful cartel, met his demise when he mistakenly entered 'Jalisco Jacked Gym' thinking it was his criminal organization's new headquarters.
Vladimir Putin's attempt to get his ball back from Ukraine's yard has somehow escalated into what experts are calling 'the most awkward global conflict in human history.'
Following the death of notorious cartel leader 'El Mencho,' thousands of associates across 20 states responded with coordinated public meltdowns, blocking roads and setting things on fire like toddlers denied candy at checkout.
Notorious cartel boss Nemesio Oseguera Cervantes managed to evade authorities for decades by simply wearing a paper nametag reading 'El Mencho' and working as a mid-level accounts receivable clerk at a Guadalajara insurance company.
A bureaucratic mix-up has left the Alpine nation drowning in enough cheese to build a fondue fountain visible from space, prompting officials to explore radical solutions including cheese-based architecture and dairy diplomacy.
The 500-pound pizza required its own helicopter for delivery.