23 articles
President Bukele says lifetime prison sentences will finally teach pre-teens the value of making permanent decisions and sticking with them through adulthood.
Meteorologists report the hurricane is "clearly being extra" and "making a whole scene" over what appears to be its first encounter with U.S. territory that doesn't have a Starbucks.
Diplomats reportedly bringing their grandmother's recipes in last-ditch effort to prevent international incident over who makes the best hummus.
Supreme Leader declares victory after making it through another weekday, immediately begins building unstoppable deck featuring Blue-Eyes White Dragon.
Maritime officials confirm the vital shipping lane is accessible, but captains worldwide sheepishly admit they've been using GPS wrong this whole time.
Marine geologists report that the Molucca Sea has been holding its breath for 47 years and finally let out a massive hiccup measuring 7.4 on the Richter scale.
Local beaches demand written notice before future seismic events, claim 30-centimeter wave was 'barely adequate' for proper tsunami standards.
Gary Pemberton's 15-year-old Craftsman garage door opener successfully forced open the Strait of Hormuz after UAE forces politely asked if they could borrow it.
Church officials devastated to learn they've been celebrating on the wrong day since 1347, when a clerical error confused 'palm fronds' with 'high-five hands.'
Yemen's rebel group warns they will deploy their most devastating weapon yet: passive-aggressive correspondence with animated GIF attachments.
Iranian officials have deployed an unprecedented number of decorative doormats and lawn flamingos to defend against what they assume will be America's most polite military operation ever.
International solidarity convoy realizes they spent three weeks packing inspirational quotes, life coaching pamphlets, and hot takes about energy management rather than actual supplies.
The Alpine nation mobilized its army of 147,000 soldiers armed with pickaxes and strongly-worded letters after the Matterhorn and other peaks failed to respond to contract negotiations for the 2024 tourism season.
Millions of women across Latin America have reportedly broken the sound barrier with coordinated yelling, causing conservative leaders to invest heavily in noise-canceling headphones and underground bunkers.
Following Morales Ojeda's groundbreaking revelation that the Cuban Revolution was actually about being super nice to people, Jamaica has ended nearly five decades of medical cooperation, citing 'an inability to handle this level of wholesomeness.'
In what officials call "standard bureaucratic procedure," the Mexican government subjected grieving relatives to a 6-hour verification process including pop quizzes about childhood pets.
After centuries of maintaining the elaborate ruse, Swiss officials finally confess that their entire country is actually just three industrious gnomes named Hans, Fritz, and Günther standing on each other's shoulders.
Nemesio 'El Mencho' Oseguera, leader of Mexico's most powerful cartel, met his demise when he mistakenly entered 'Jalisco Jacked Gym' thinking it was his criminal organization's new headquarters.
Vladimir Putin's attempt to get his ball back from Ukraine's yard has somehow escalated into what experts are calling 'the most awkward global conflict in human history.'
Following the death of notorious cartel leader 'El Mencho,' thousands of associates across 20 states responded with coordinated public meltdowns, blocking roads and setting things on fire like toddlers denied candy at checkout.
Notorious cartel boss Nemesio Oseguera Cervantes managed to evade authorities for decades by simply wearing a paper nametag reading 'El Mencho' and working as a mid-level accounts receivable clerk at a Guadalajara insurance company.
A bureaucratic mix-up has left the Alpine nation drowning in enough cheese to build a fondue fountain visible from space, prompting officials to explore radical solutions including cheese-based architecture and dairy diplomacy.
The 500-pound pizza required its own helicopter for delivery.