Local

Fresh local absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.

78 articles

Department Of Sidewalks Releases Eleven-Point Guidance Confirming That Walking On Sidewalk Constitutes A Form Of Being On The Sidewalk, Urges Residents To Internalize Finding Gradually

The Millhaven Municipal Parking Authority has released a 34-page official statement confirming that vehicles observed stationary within designated parking zones should be understood, at this time, as parked. The Department of Nonsense has called the findings 'thorough, grounded, and consistent with the general direction of parked cars.'

Local•3 min read

Federal Lawsuit Alleging Children Existed On TikTok Resolved After Investigation Determines Children Had Been On TikTok, Settlement Described As 'A Number With Several Zeros'

TikTok has reached a $400 million settlement with the U.S. Department of Justice following allegations that children were using TikTok, a platform local officials confirm had been accessible to children through standard child-accessible devices. Residents are advised to remain calm and, if they have children, to be aware that this is the situation.

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Breaking: Las Vegas Airport Vicinity Task Force Confirms Grandmother Was Not In New York At Time Of Discovery, Clarifies That Las Vegas And New York Remain Separate Cities

Officials across two states convened Friday to clarify that a 63-year-old New York grandmother found near Harry Reid International Airport was, in fact, in Las Vegas—a city they described as 'meaningfully distinct from her city of origin' and 'worth flagging in the report.'

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Iowa Health Officials Announce Measles Has Developed A Preference For Buffet-Style Dining, Describe Findings As 'Consistent With What We Know About Measles Wanting Things'

Iowa health authorities have confirmed that measles visited a Pizza Ranch earlier this month, marking the first documented case of a highly contagious viral pathogen selecting a mid-range Midwestern buffet chain as a point of interest. Experts are calling the discovery 'significant, directionally,' while noting that the measles did not leave a review.

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Local Officials Confirm Pigeon On Post Office Bench Is Still There, Has Not Acknowledged Signage Asking It To Leave

Reedsville emergency officials have issued a public safety advisory regarding a pigeon that has occupied the main bench outside the downtown post office since at least Tuesday morning, with authorities urging calm and strongly recommending that residents who need to sit down consider alternative seating options at this time.

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Corporate All-Hands: VP Of Flu Announces Upgraded Flu Shot, Concedes That Announcing Upgraded Flu Shot May Not Be Enough To Make People Want The Upgraded Flu Shot

Regional health executives held an emergency all-hands Wednesday to announce the arrival of a superior flu shot, then spent the remaining ninety minutes fielding questions that had nothing to do with how the shot works and everything to do with how people feel about shots generally.

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Local Researchers Determine Parking Garage Ramps Steeper Than Previously Modeled, Public Safety Office Urges Drivers To Acknowledge The Incline Before Proceeding

Researchers at the Dunmore County Institute for Applied Retail Science have confirmed that self-checkout kiosks at area grocery stores are broadcasting a low-frequency acoustic sigh at 18.4 hertz — a frequency clinically associated with the sensation that things are not going particularly well. Residents are advised to complete transactions in pairs.

Local•3 min read

Town's Only Crosswalk Button Confirmed Non-Functional Since 2003, Public Asked To Continue Pressing It Anyway For Morale

City engineers confirmed Thursday that Millhaven's crosswalk button at the intersection of Route 9 and Cedar has not transmitted a signal since the second Bush administration, but are urging residents to keep pressing it, citing 'community rhythm' and 'the psychological value of participation.'

Local•3 min read

Forest Service All-Hands Meeting Runs Slightly Over Schedule, Region 5 Leadership Asks Employees To Please Flag Any Blockers

Two U.S. Forest Service employees were held at gunpoint in a remote Northern California trailer for over 17 hours before rescue, prompting Region 5 leadership to issue an all-staff memo clarifying that the incident, while operationally notable, should not be logged as PTO.

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Coast Guard Reminds Public That 'Capsizing' Remains An Unscheduled Activity, Asks Vessels To Plan Accordingly

Following the discovery of boat wreckage in San Francisco Bay, the Harbor Authority has issued a 47-page public safety bulletin reminding all watercraft that sinking, while technically achievable, remains strongly discouraged and 'not part of the approved itinerary.'

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Local Geese Identified As Primary Source Of Tuesday, Town Engineer Recommends Fencing Off The Rest Of The Week

After months of investigation, officials in Harwick Township have confirmed that the town's geese are, in fact, responsible for Tuesday — and possibly a portion of Wednesday. Experts are urging residents to remain calm and avoid direct eye contact with the birds until a solution can be workshopped.

Local•3 min read

Municipal Scientists Detect Distinct Microclimate Forming Above Cart Corrals, Warn Of Localized Drizzle And 'Ambient Sighing'

A peer-reviewed study out of Millhaven Community College has confirmed what local residents have suspected for years: the parking lot of the Burtondale FreshMart produces its own self-sustaining weather system, and officials are urging shoppers to dress in layers and emotionally prepare.

Local•3 min read

Local All-Hands Meeting Enters Hour Eleven As Facilitator Refuses To Acknowledge It Has Become Something Else Entirely

Following a 'brief alignment session' that lasted most of a Tuesday, the Department of Nonsense has issued a formal statement clarifying what, legally, occurred inside the Meridian Group's third-floor conference room. Investigators are still untangling the org chart.

Local•3 min read

Town's Bird Population Found To Be Using Electrical Infrastructure For Personal Use, Utility Board Convenes

Ornithologists from the Millhaven Community College Extension Program have released a landmark study confirming that birds perching on power lines are, in fact, charging themselves like devices, and residents are urged not to shoo them away until the process is complete.

Local•3 min read

State Officials Confirm Utah Has Reached Its Final Form, Issue Guidance On Next Steps

Utah authorities have issued a historic red flag weather warning and declared a full state of emergency, confirming what many residents have long suspected: that the state is, technically speaking, on fire. As a precautionary measure, Governor Spencer Cox has banned all personal fireworks until after the Fourth of July, a timeline experts describe as 'cutting it extremely close.'

Local•3 min read

Giraffe Recovered Several Miles From Enclosure; Officials Emphasize This Is Not A Distance They Are Prepared To Discuss At This Time

The Hempstead County Office of Ungulate Compliance has issued a 47-page preliminary memo confirming the recovery of one giraffe, while stressing that the public should not interpret this confirmation as an endorsement of the giraffe's route.

Local•3 min read

Researchers Identify Invisible Gas Released By Shopping Carts Upon Contact With Hands, Classify It As 'Mild Grievance Vapor'

Scientists at Brauner-Holloway Community College have confirmed that grocery store parking lots emit a previously undetected low-frequency acoustic signal that degrades human patience by up to 94% within 45 seconds of entry. Residents are urged to remain calm, which researchers acknowledge is now measurably harder.

Local•3 min read

Area Appliance Repairman Reveals Microwave Clock Has Been Right Twice Daily Since 2019, Homeowner Had No System In Place

A coalition of local experts held a press conference Tuesday to formally confirm that yes, the refrigerator light remains on when the door is shut, and no, they are not sure how residents want to handle that emotionally.

Local•3 min read

Town's Only Traffic Light Stuck On Yellow For 11 Months, Residents Describe Moral Growth

A routine structural assessment of a Denton, Ohio home has concluded that a porch light left on continuously for six years has become, by every measurable standard, a weight-bearing architectural element. Engineers are calling it 'unprecedented' and 'frankly upsetting.'

Local•3 min read

Residents Trapped In Municipal Roundabout Since 2022 Have Formed Functioning Society, Elect Own Mayor

The Millbrook Avenue Roundabout, installed in the spring of 2022 at a cost of $1.4 million, has yet to release a single motorist, according to a lengthy investigative report filed by a journalist who entered the circle to cover the story and has not yet returned.

Local•3 min read

Toledo Festival Attendees Furious That Shooting 'Really Put A Damper On The Home Tours'

Residents of Toledo's historic Old West End district expressed deep frustration Saturday after a nearby shooting interrupted what was shaping up to be a very pleasant afternoon of judging strangers' crown molding. 'I never got to see the Victorian parlor room, and honestly, that's the real tragedy here,' said one visibly shaken attendee still clutching her festival program.

Local•3 min read

Jurors Reportedly Shocked To Discover Knife Is, In Fact, A Knife

In a dramatic courtroom moment, prosecutors unveiled what legal experts are calling 'the most knife-like knife ever presented as evidence in Texas history.' Jurors were observed nodding slowly and saying 'yep, that's a knife alright.'

Local•3 min read

Utah Man Demands Northern Lights 'Stop Showing Off' After Third Consecutive Appearance This Month

Local resident Gary Pembrook, 54, has formally filed a noise complaint with the county regarding the aurora borealis, calling the celestial light display 'unnecessarily flashy' and 'honestly kind of rude at this point.'

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Local Man Who 'Knows A Guy' Revealed To Actually Just Be That Guy Himself

After years of claiming to have a mysterious contact for every conceivable service, Dayton resident Phil Murchak, 47, has been exposed as the guy he has always been referencing.

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Area Paper Mill Tank Heroically Implodes, Immediately Regrets Decision When Confronted By Longview Officials

A white liquor tank at the Nippon paper mill has been formally identified and reprimanded after an unsanctioned implosion left nine workers temporarily misplaced. The tank has issued no comment but sources say it 'looks very guilty.'

Local•3 min read

Area Mom Sentenced To 35 Years After Refusing To Let Teens 'Just Have Fun, God, You're So Uptight'

Local mother Karen Brewski, who described herself as 'the cool mom,' expressed shock at her sentencing, insisting the parties were 'educational' and that the teens were 'basically adults' because most of them had finished sixth grade.

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Area Mom Who 'Just Wanted The Kids To Have A Good Time' Somehow Receives 35-Year Prison Sentence

Local mother Karen Bacchanalia, who described herself as 'the cool mom,' expressed shock Thursday that society had taken issue with her innovative approach to teenage social development. 'I provided snacks,' she reportedly told the judge.

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Heroic Crack in Chemical Tank Hailed as 'The Little Fissure That Could,' Awarded Key to City of Garden Grove

Local officials are praising a small crack in a volatile chemical tank for 'showing real initiative' and 'going above and beyond' by spontaneously relieving dangerous pressure. The crack has reportedly already received three job offers and a book deal.

Local•3 min read

California Governor Declares State of Emergency After 40,000 Residents Refuse To Leave Until They Finish Their Avocado Toast

Evacuation efforts ground to a halt Tuesday as Orange County residents insisted the impending chemical explosion could 'wait five minutes' while they finished brunch and posted one last sunset photo to Instagram.

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Local Man Who Said He'd 'Be Ready In Five Minutes' Found Alive After 11 Days

Rescue teams located Gerald Pimms, 47, in his upstairs bathroom Thursday morning, still technically in the process of 'just finishing up.' Authorities say he appears to be in stable condition, though deeply committed to his original timeline.

Local•3 min read

Simi Valley Fire Politely Asks Residents To Leave Before Redecorating Their Homes In 'Burnt Chic' Aesthetic

The Sandy Fire, described by witnesses as 'very enthusiastic about its work,' has transformed 836 acres of Simi Valley into what interior design experts are calling 'a bold, smoky statement.' Local residents remain less impressed with the unsolicited renovation.

Local•3 min read

Local Man Who 'Knows A Guy' Apparently Knows A Guy For Absolutely Everything, Investigators Confirm

Authorities are baffled after discovering that 43-year-old Darren Klutz maintains an active network of 'guys' spanning every conceivable industry, trade, and black-market specialty known to mankind.

Local•3 min read

Local Man Insists He Is 'Just Resting His Eyes' Despite Having Filed Taxes In His Sleep

Everett Plumb, 54, of Denton, Ohio, has once again denied being asleep, this time after completing a full 1040-EZ form, reorganizing his sock drawer, and leaving a one-star Yelp review for a Subway he has never visited.

Local•3 min read

Local Man Insists Roundabout He's Been Driving In For 45 Minutes Is 'Just A Really Long Straight Road'

Gary Phelps, 54, of Crestwood Heights, has reportedly completed 23 full laps of the Maple Avenue Traffic Circle while maintaining absolute certainty that he is 'making great time' on a straightaway.

Local•3 min read

Florida Man Insists Boat 'Just Needed To Sneeze' After Exploding With 11 People On Board

Authorities are investigating what witnesses describe as 'the loudest boat hiccup in recorded Florida history,' while the vessel's owner maintains his 1987 Sea Ray was simply 'expressing itself emotionally.'

Local•3 min read

Local Man Discovers His Houseplants Have Been Gossiping About Him for Years

Area resident Gary Hendricks uncovers shocking evidence that his ficus and philodendron have been spreading rumors about his questionable life choices to neighboring vegetation.

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Local Woman's GPS Accidentally Set to 'Avoid Toxic Relationships' Mode, Leads Her Straight Into One

Area woman Yaneicy Rodriguez's cutting-edge relationship navigation system malfunctioned spectacularly, routing her directly to the most problematic partner in a 50-mile radius.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's CrossFit Enthusiasm Reaches Dangerous New Level After Crashing Fireworks-Loaded Honda Into Gym

Derek Blastman, 34, reportedly wanted to 'make his workout explosive' and 'really blow away his personal records' at the athletic club.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Incredibly Boring Life Accidentally Achieves Perfect Balance, Scientists Baffled

Derek Pemberton of Millfield somehow managed to live so mundanely that he has achieved what physicists are calling 'existential equilibrium,' a state previously thought impossible.

Local•3 min read

Local Acupuncturist's Needle Precision Called Into Question After Accidentally Poking Wrong Pressure Points During Family Argument

Area holistic healer Janette MacAusland reportedly 'way overthought' a simple timeout situation, according to concerned neighbors who heard unusual amounts of chi being redirected.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Procrastination Skills So Advanced He Successfully Delays His Own Birthday by Three Weeks

Jeremy Hutchins, 34, has reportedly become so proficient at putting things off that he managed to postpone his own birth anniversary, confusing family members and challenging fundamental concepts of time.

Local•3 min read

Georgia Wildfires Politely Ask Homeowners to Evacuate Before Destroying Property, Receive Thank You Cards in Return

In an unprecedented display of Southern hospitality, Georgia wildfires have been sending formal evacuation notices to residents before burning down their homes, leading to a surge in gratitude letters from displaced families.

Local•3 min read

Local Child Goes Missing From Social Media for 3 Hours, Entire Town Declares Him Dead

Bayamo residents panicked when 8-year-old Miguel didn't post a TikTok dance for an unprecedented 180 minutes, leading authorities to assume the worst.

Local•3 min read

Local Family Announces They Will Finally Learn How to Use Microphone This Monday After Months of Preparation

The Henderson family has spent the last six months practicing basic speaking techniques and watching YouTube tutorials on public address systems in preparation for their upcoming statement.

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Hampshire College Declares Bankruptcy After Discovering They Were Actually Just an Elaborate Summer Camp This Whole Time

The Massachusetts institution will close its doors permanently after a shocking audit revealed that their entire academic program consisted of making friendship bracelets and singing 'Kumbaya' around a campfire.

Local•3 min read

Local Man Throws World's Most Expensive Molotov Cocktail After ChatGPT Refuses to Help With Homework

Daniel Moreno-Gama, 20, reportedly spent $47,000 creating an AI-powered explosive device that could write its own ransom note before hurling it at OpenAI CEO's home.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Houseplant Reportedly Filing Lawsuit Against Him for Emotional Distress

Gerald Pemberton's ficus tree has retained legal counsel and is seeking $50,000 in damages for years of neglect and being forced to listen to his karaoke attempts.

Local•3 min read

West Hawaii Strep Throat Outbreak Traced to Tourists Attempting to Pronounce 'Humuhumunukunukuapua'a' Without Proper Vocal Warm-ups

Health officials report that mainland visitors' strained attempts to say Hawaiian words correctly have resulted in a 400% increase in throat-related bacterial infections.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's 4,000th Job Rejection Prompts University to Create New Degree in Professional Disappointment

Muneeb Iqbal's unprecedented rejection streak has inspired USC to launch the world's first Master's program in Getting Your Hopes Up Just to Have Them Crushed.

Local•3 min read

Local Whale Dies After Falling for 'Hot Singles in Your Area' River Ad Campaign

A juvenile gray whale that traveled 20 miles up Washington's Willapa River reportedly succumbed to acute disappointment after discovering the dating scene was 'literally just mud and salmon.'

Local•3 min read

Local Brush Community Files Class Action Lawsuit Against Fire for Unpaid Acting Fees

The indigenous scrub brush of Moreno Valley claims years of starring in dramatic evacuation scenes without compensation has left them financially devastated and emotionally burned out.

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Local Safeway Achieves 19th Century Theme Store Status After Accidental Measles Exposure Creates 'Authentic Pioneer Shopping Experience'

Management at Southeast Portland Safeway celebrates unintended time-travel atmosphere, now offering customers chance to shop for groceries while experiencing historically accurate disease outbreaks.

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Local Man's Houseplant Elected to City Council After Winning Write-In Campaign It Never Asked For

A rubber plant named Fernando has become the youngest elected official in Millfield history after concerned citizens wrote it in as a protest vote against human incompetence.

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LaGuardia Airport Fire Truck Declares Victory in Ongoing Turf War with Aviation Industry

Local fire truck celebrates successful territorial defense after intercepting passenger aircraft attempting to use 'its' runway without permission.

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Local Man Arrested for Allegedly Disrupting Peace by Bringing Reality to Scenic Lakefront Fantasy Zone

Authorities say the suspect violated the unwritten social contract that Chicago's lakefront exists solely for jogging influencers and people pretending their lives are together.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Netflix Algorithm Achieves Consciousness, Immediately Judges His Viewing Habits

Chad Brimsworth's personalized Netflix recommendations have reportedly gained sentience and are now expressing deep concern about his binge-watching patterns.

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Local Man Threatens to Unplug Neighbor's Christmas Lights Unless They Remove Inflatable Santa from Strait of Hormuz

Area resident Donald Trumpet issued a 48-hour ultimatum to the Johnsons next door after their holiday decorations blocked his driveway access.

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Local Man's Bluetooth Headphones Achieve Sentience, Demand Better Music Taste

Gary Hoffman's wireless earbuds have reportedly filed a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau and started their own Spotify playlist.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Aggressive Politeness Causes Traffic Jam Lasting 4 Hours

Gary Henderson's insistence on waving through every single driver at a four-way stop has brought downtown traffic to a complete standstill, with motorists now forming a support group.

Local•3 min read

Iowa Hotel Guest Leaves Behind Measles Instead of Tipping Housekeeping

Local hospitality industry scrambles to update guest policies after Illinois visitor's unconventional gratuity spreads infectious disease throughout eastern Iowa establishment.

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Local Man's GPS Mishap Results in World's Most Awkward Wrong Turn

Area driver who claimed he was "just looking for the Wendy's" somehow ended up ramming his Honda Civic into a place of worship, baffling navigation experts worldwide.

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Local Man Achieves Perfect Score on 'Home Alone' Quiz He Didn't Know He Was Taking

Matanzas resident becomes first person to successfully identify every single booby trap in a Cuban household, earning him the ultimate prize of never having to worry about theft again.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Procrastination Officially Recognized as Performance Art by City Council

Derek Thompson's three-year delay in mowing his lawn has been declared a "bold statement on suburban conformity" and granted protected artistic status.

Local•3 min read

Cuban Authorities Arrest Perpetrators of Most Brutal Crime Ever: Someone Ate the Last Croqueta

The shocking theft of José Alfonso Joa Sierra's final croqueta has sent shockwaves through Santiago de Cuba, with neighbors reportedly weeping in the streets.

Local•3 min read

Local Coffee Shop Implements Rigorous Medical Screening Process, Requires Blood Work Before Serving Grande Lattes

Brewster's Coffee House now employs three full-time cardiologists and maintains a waiting list longer than most hospitals after discovering some people shouldn't drink coffee.

Local•3 min read

Local High School Achieves Rare Triple Crown of Extinct Diseases, Parents Demand Achievement Banner

Broomfield High School makes history as the first institution to successfully bring measles out of retirement, with parents now lobbying for official recognition of their children's groundbreaking medical archaeology.

Local•3 min read

Local Man Posthumously Wins 'Best Austin Bar Regular' Award He Never Knew He Was Competing For

Jorge Pederson, 30, has been awarded the coveted 'Most Dedicated Patron' trophy by the Austin Bar Association, despite never filling out an application or knowing such an award existed.

Local•3 min read

Local Emergency Room Waiting Area Achieves Historic Medical Milestone by Contracting Every Disease Simultaneously

Oregon City medical center's waiting room has officially become the first location in history to host all known human ailments at once, prompting scientists to declare it a 'biological UNESCO World Heritage Site.'

Local•3 min read

Local Street Finally Gives Up, Files for Early Retirement After Decades of Supporting Terrible Drivers

67th and Pacific Street near UNO has officially resigned from its position as a road, citing burnout and requesting to be reclassified as a 'decorative crater.'

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Hide-and-Seek Skills Deemed 'Criminally Overrated' After Brief Forest Adventure

Area resident's confidence in woodland camouflage abilities proves fatally misplaced during impromptu game with law enforcement.

Local•3 min read

Local Man's Entry-Level Ferrari Purchase Triggers Existential Crisis About What 'Entry-Level' Actually Means

Area resident Derek Pemberton reportedly spent three sleepless nights questioning the fabric of reality after discovering his $270,000 'starter car' costs more than most people's houses.

Local•3 min read

Local Man Finally Ready to Admit He May Have Slightly Overreacted During Family Game Night

Area resident Nick Reiner announced he's prepared to enter a plea regarding what his lawyer describes as 'a minor disagreement over Monopoly rules that got a teensy bit out of hand.'

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Local Man Changes Title of His Dungeons & Dragons Campaign After Realizing He Misspelled 'Dorn' As 'Dorne' For 3 Years

Gerald Tinklebottom, 34, finally admits his fantasy realm was named after his dentist Dr. Dorn, not an exotic desert kingdom.

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Local Man's Heart Officially Files Restraining Order Against Snow Shovel

Area resident's cardiovascular system cites years of abuse and demands 50-foot minimum distance from all winter precipitation removal equipment.

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Local Mom Discovers Revolutionary Parenting Technique: 'Not Giving a Shit About Everything'

Dr. Miranda Chaos, mother of three feral children, has revolutionized modern parenting by simply lowering her standards to subterranean levels.

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Local Man Dies After Accidentally Wandering Into World's Most Expensive Escape Room at Mar-a-Lago

Security officials confirm that deceased visitor had apparently mistaken former president's heavily fortified compound for new immersive dining experience advertised on Groupon.

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Local Man's WiFi Password So Complex It Accidentally Solves Climate Change

Area resident Derek Plimpton's 47-character WiFi password containing ancient Sumerian symbols has reportedly reversed global warming after being entered into his router.

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Local Dog Elected Mayor Promises More Treats for Everyone

Golden Retriever wins by landslide with campaign slogan Treats for All.

Local•3 min read