DeDoDoDo

Entertainment

Fresh entertainment absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.

112 articles

Try a random articleSearch the archiveSubscribe for weekly nonsense
DEVELOPING: Landmark Seven-Year Study By The Institute For Auditory Self-Sabotage Establishes That Attempting To Describe A Song To Another Person Causes The Song To Evacuate The Brain Entirely, Researchers Note Memory Departure Was 'Rapid, Humiliating, And Proportional To How Confident The Hummer Appeared'

DEVELOPING: Landmark Seven-Year Study By The Institute For Auditory Self-Sabotage Establishes That Attempting To Describe A Song To Another Person Causes The Song To Evacuate The Brain Entirely, Researchers Note Memory Departure Was 'Rapid, Humiliating, And Proportional To How Confident The Hummer Appeared'

Federal scientists have confirmed what millions of shower singers have long suspected: the act of humming a song aloud triggers an irreversible neurological evacuation of that exact song from the human brain, leaving behind only a faint sense of personal failure and the opening three notes of 'Mr. Brightside.'

Entertainment•3 min read
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Actor Danny Trejo Releases Formal Nine-Paragraph Clarification Confirming That His Personal Position On The U.S. Immigration And Customs Enforcement Agency Is 'Not Pro,' ICE Liaison Office Acknowledges Receipt Of Statement And Notes Affiliation Was 'Unconfirmed, Unwanted, And Now Officially Denied In Writing'

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Actor Danny Trejo Releases Formal Nine-Paragraph Clarification Confirming That His Personal Position On The U.S. Immigration And Customs Enforcement Agency Is 'Not Pro,' ICE Liaison Office Acknowledges Receipt Of Statement And Notes Affiliation Was 'Unconfirmed, Unwanted, And Now Officially Denied In Writing'

Actor Danny Trejo has submitted a formal written position to the public record clarifying that he is, and has always been, 'Not Pro-ICE,' a designation the Bureau of Celebrity Affiliation Tracking has logged as 'received, noted, and filed under positions nobody asked to be on file but are now on file.'

Entertainment•3 min read
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Chef-Certification Grievance Tribunal Formally Acknowledges That Individual Who Said 'This Is A Betrayal' Was Describing An Event He Classified As A Betrayal, Semantics Division Notes Characterization Was 'Self-Reported, Emotionally Emphatic, And Audible'

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Chef-Certification Grievance Tribunal Formally Acknowledges That Individual Who Said 'This Is A Betrayal' Was Describing An Event He Classified As A Betrayal, Semantics Division Notes Characterization Was 'Self-Reported, Emotionally Emphatic, And Audible'

The Department of Nonsense has released its findings following the departure of a reality cooking program contestant, confirming that the individual who left the kitchen is no longer in the kitchen. Investigators urge the public to 'remain calm and avoid preparing ropa vieja without proper emotional support infrastructure.'

Entertainment•3 min read
Entertainment Industry Coalition Releases 200-Page Findings Determining That Actor Who Did Not Appear In Film Was Absent From Film, Casting Experts Describe Non-Presence As 'Visually Verifiable And Sustained Throughout Runtime'

Entertainment Industry Coalition Releases 200-Page Findings Determining That Actor Who Did Not Appear In Film Was Absent From Film, Casting Experts Describe Non-Presence As 'Visually Verifiable And Sustained Throughout Runtime'

A seventeen-member panel of Hollywood development executives has concluded a nine-month investigation confirming that a screenplay submitted to a major studio and returned with the word 'PASS' stamped in red ink was, in fact, not greenlit. Experts describe the finding as 'directionally consistent with what the stamp said.'

Entertainment•3 min read
Fiduciary Origin Determination Subcommittee Releases Fourteen-Page Memo Clarifying That A Person Who Did Not Earn The Money Is Not The Person Who Earned The Money, Describes Finding As 'Genealogically Unambiguous'

Fiduciary Origin Determination Subcommittee Releases Fourteen-Page Memo Clarifying That A Person Who Did Not Earn The Money Is Not The Person Who Earned The Money, Describes Finding As 'Genealogically Unambiguous'

The Regional Trust Asset Provenance Clarification Office has issued a formal memorandum confirming that money given by a grandfather is, upon review, grandfather money, and has been since the grandfather gave it. The office noted the finding was 'directionally consistent with how giving works.'

Entertainment•3 min read
PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Nicki Minaj Confirms She Has Not Apologized For Loving President Trump And Does Not Currently Plan To, Authorities Urge Public To Prepare For Continued Absence Of Apology In Both Near- And Long-Term Forecast

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Nicki Minaj Confirms She Has Not Apologized For Loving President Trump And Does Not Currently Plan To, Authorities Urge Public To Prepare For Continued Absence Of Apology In Both Near- And Long-Term Forecast

The National Apology Readiness Consortium has issued a Level 3 Community Preparedness Notice after confirming that rapper Nicki Minaj has not apologized for loving President Trump and shows no measurable intention of doing so, adding that her upcoming tour will remain 'a concert and not a rally, at this time, pending no further updates to that posture.'

Entertainment•3 min read
Paramount and California AG Described by Negotiation Experts as 'Two Separate Parties Who Have Been Talking to Each Other,' Sources Confirm Talks Involved Words Exchanged in Sequential Order

Paramount and California AG Described by Negotiation Experts as 'Two Separate Parties Who Have Been Talking to Each Other,' Sources Confirm Talks Involved Words Exchanged in Sequential Order

In what legal communication specialists are calling 'a process of mutual verbal engagement conducted over time,' Paramount Pictures and the California Attorney General have entered what sources describe as 'advanced talks,' a stage experts confirm is more advanced than earlier, less advanced talks that preceded it.

Entertainment•3 min read
PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Researchers Confirm That Applause Occurring At End Of Concert Was Triggered By Concert Having Ended, Acoustics Panel Urges Audiences To 'Clap Intentionally And With Full Knowledge Of What They Are Responding To'

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Researchers Confirm That Applause Occurring At End Of Concert Was Triggered By Concert Having Ended, Acoustics Panel Urges Audiences To 'Clap Intentionally And With Full Knowledge Of What They Are Responding To'

A coalition of sound scientists and crowd behavior analysts has released a 714-page peer-reviewed report confirming that audience applause at live entertainment events is, in fact, a response to those events, prompting immediate public safety guidance urging concertgoers to verify what they are clapping at before initiating hand contact.

Entertainment•3 min read
Federal Grand Jury Issues Formal Scientific Determination That Lil Durk Was Not Guilty, Researchers Note Guilt Was Absent Throughout Proceedings And Did Not Materialize At Any Point

Federal Grand Jury Issues Formal Scientific Determination That Lil Durk Was Not Guilty, Researchers Note Guilt Was Absent Throughout Proceedings And Did Not Materialize At Any Point

A Los Angeles federal grand jury has produced what experts are calling a 'landmark not-guilty finding,' confirming through rigorous deliberative methodology that Chicago rapper Lil Durk did not, in fact, do it. Scientists say the verdict represents one of the clearest examples of innocence observed in a controlled courtroom environment in recent memory.

Entertainment•3 min read
Department of Nonsense Issues Emergency Guidance After Entertainment Executive's Slide Reading 'Audience First, Always' Followed Immediately By Slide Reading 'Revenue First, Always,' Notes Both Slides Remain Technically Uploaded

Department of Nonsense Issues Emergency Guidance After Entertainment Executive's Slide Reading 'Audience First, Always' Followed Immediately By Slide Reading 'Revenue First, Always,' Notes Both Slides Remain Technically Uploaded

A scheduled ninety-minute all-hands meeting at Vortex Entertainment Group entered its third hour Tuesday after Chief Synergy Officer Dale Prendergast became lodged inside his own metaphor and could not locate the exit. The Department of Nonsense has since issued a formal statement.

Entertainment•3 min read
Breaking: Jelly Roll Clarifies That He Has Political Views, Notes Views Were Present Throughout Grammy Ceremony And Did Not Form Afterward

Breaking: Jelly Roll Clarifies That He Has Political Views, Notes Views Were Present Throughout Grammy Ceremony And Did Not Form Afterward

In a formal clarification issued via late-night television, recording artist and emerging political spokesperson Jelly Roll confirmed that he does, in fact, hold political beliefs, adding that said beliefs had been available for comment at the Grammys but were not surfaced due to what internal sources describe as 'a failure to surface them.'

Entertainment•3 min read