Politics

Fresh politics absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.

99 articles

DEVELOPING: Tri-Federal Podium Stability Review Board Warns Citizens After Congressional Press Conference Microphone Stood In Place For Entire Duration Of Remarks It Was Directly Beneath, Structural Observers Confirm Podium Was 'Upright, Load-Bearing, And Not The Problem'

Federal officials are urging calm after a routine handshake between Senator Dale Compworth and a Terre Haute constituent left both individuals visibly unsure of what to do with their hands afterward. The National Handshake Integrity Commission has convened an emergency panel.

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Breaking: Local Officials Clarify Nothing Following Emergency Press Conference Called Specifically To Announce That No Announcement Would Be Made, Communications Director Confirms Event Was 'Scheduled, Attended, And Adjourned Without Content'

The Regional Transparency Commission has concluded a fourteen-month investigation into governmental opacity by releasing a 94-page report that confirms information was withheld, while declining to specify what information, from whom, or why, calling the findings 'a meaningful step toward the general direction of accountability-adjacent dialogue.'

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Federal Lawmakers Issue Bipartisan Statement Confirming They Were Present At Vote They Voted In, Note Personal Attendance Was 'Corroborated By The Voting Record And Also By Being There'

The Department of Nonsense has published its most ambitious policy document to date, a 614-page framework formally establishing that members of Congress are aware of the laws they pass, a finding officials describe as 'significant, verifiable, and also technically something we had to write down.'

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Federal Judiciary All-Hands Update: Block On Mail Voting Order Extended, Legal Team Confirms Block Was Already In Place And Has Now Been Extended, Describes Extension As 'A Continuation Of The Block In A Forward Direction'

A federal judge has formally extended a legal block on the Trump administration's mail voting order, with court communications staff confirming the block is 'still blocking, in the traditional sense, and will continue to do so going forward on a blocking basis.'

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Public Safety Alert: Town Hall Meeting Running Four Minutes Long, Emergency Management Director Asks Residents To Adjust Dinner Plans 'Incrementally And Without Panic'

Harwick County officials are urging calm after Tuesday's commission meeting agenda listed 'New Business' which, upon review, contained two items confirmed to be business and also new. Emergency preparedness coordinators have activated what they are calling a 'Tier One Awareness Posture.'

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Landmark Study Determines Politicians Who Have Stopped Talking Are Not Currently Talking, Coalition Calls Findings 'Politically Sensitive But Geometrically Sound'

A federally funded research consortium has released a 614-page report confirming that senators who are seated in chairs are, at that time, sitting, prompting a public safety advisory urging Americans to process the information 'at a pace that feels manageable.'

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Congressional Floor Vote Delayed After Members Cannot Locate The Floor, Sergeant-At-Arms Dispatches Search Team, Caucus Huddle Underway

A landmark Senate procedural review has determined that the chamber's ongoing filibuster has lost track of its original purpose entirely, with experts noting the speech has now referenced both a chili recipe and the migratory habits of the Canadian goose for over eleven hours. A wellness coordinator has been placed on standby.

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City Council's Official Position On Its Official Position Remains Under Internal Review, Stakeholders Asked To Treat All Prior Positions As Provisional

The Palmerton Heights Office of Civic Alignment has formally convened a subcommittee to evaluate whether last Tuesday's clarifying memo adequately clarified the original memo it was meant to clarify, noting that early indicators suggest it may not have. No timeline has been established, though officials confirm a timeline is among the things being considered.

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Breaking: Interagency Task Force Convenes To Determine Whether Their Jurisdiction Covers This, Concludes It Probably Does Not, Will Reconvene

Following seventeen months of deliberation, the Interagency Coordination Body for Unassigned Matters has released a four-hundred-page report confirming that the matter in question falls, at best, in a 'gray corridor' and that all relevant parties should continue doing whatever they were doing until further notice.

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Forensic Linguists Confirm Phrase 'Let Me Be Clear' Statistically Precedes Least Clear Statement In Any Given Remarks, Panel Troubled

A landmark study published in the Journal of Applied Gesticulation has concluded that the sweeping, emphatic hand movements deployed by elected officials during floor speeches carry zero units of discernible policy content, prompting an emergency subcommittee to formally request that lawmakers sit on their hands until further notice.

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New Peer-Reviewed Study Finds Applause Duration In House Chamber Inversely Correlated With Legislative Comprehension, Panel Urges Shorter Clapping

A landmark federal study has determined that proximity to catering stations during legislative receptions reduces a senator's policy retention by nearly half, prompting the Surgeon General to issue an unprecedented seating chart advisory for all official government functions.

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Campaign Formally Submits Dissolution Paperwork, Cites 'Irreconcilable Differences With Viability'; Offboarding Checklist Distributed To All Stakeholders

The Graham Platner for U.S. Senate campaign has formally initiated its offboarding process, submitting the required paperwork to transition from 'active candidacy' to 'legacy organizational memory.' The Department of Nonsense has confirmed receipt and wishes the campaign well in its future endeavors.

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Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool Enters Fourth Drain Cycle; Experts Say Water Itself May Be The Problem

Crews returned Monday to drain the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool for what officials described as a 'scheduled unscheduling' of water, adding that the pool's continued presence of liquid is being treated as an evolving situation.

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Senate Recess Officially Reclassified As 'Unscheduled Governance Pause,' Staff Advised To Log Hours Accordingly

A federal commission has determined that handshakes performed at bill signings carry zero legislative weight and may, in fact, constitute a separate agreement entirely. Affected parties have been notified by certified mail.

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Geological Review Board Confirms Mountain Has No Current Openings, Waitlist Status Described As 'Complicated'

Following renewed interest in expanding Mount Rushmore's roster of carved presidential faces, the National Park Service released a three-page internal memo confirming the mountain is 'not presently structured to accommodate additional headcount.' Officials emphasized this is a rock issue, not a people issue.

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Congress Passes Historic Legislation Requiring All Bills To Be Read Aloud In A Soothing Voice Before Signing, Senate Selects Narrator

The Department of Nonsense issued a formal statement Tuesday confirming that decades of federal correspondence have been routed to Karen M. Delacroix of Boca Raton, Florida, rather than Karen J. Delacroix, the intended Deputy Undersecretary of Lateral Policy Initiatives. Karen M. Delacroix has, by all accounts, been handling it.

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Department of Nonsense Mandates All Federal Policy Decisions Be Run Through a Magic 8-Ball Until Further Notice, Cites 'Comparable Accuracy Metrics'

The Department of Nonsense issued a sweeping policy directive this week requiring all federal agencies to consult a regulation-compliant Magic 8-Ball before finalizing any decision above a GS-7 pay grade. Critics say the policy represents a dramatic shift in governance. Supporters say it represents a dramatic improvement.

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CDC Issues Public Safety Advisory After Scientists Confirm Senate Floor Debates Emit Measurable Levels Of Hot Air, Recommend Ventilation

A peer-reviewed study published Tuesday has confirmed that Senate floor debates produce enough hot air to meaningfully affect indoor air quality in the Capitol Building, prompting the CDC to issue its first-ever Public Safety Advisory for a legislative body. Residents within a two-mile radius are advised to crack a window.

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Federal Judge Orders Kennedy Center To Locate, Retrieve, And Formally Apologize To Each Individual Letter Of Trump's Name

The Department of Nonsense has issued the following official statement regarding the court-ordered de-nominalization of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. All affected letters have been notified.

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Progressive Councilwoman Defeats Former Reality TV Star By Simply Waiting For More Votes To Be Counted, Experts Baffled

In a shocking development that has left political scientists questioning everything they know, Councilwoman Katy Raman leapfrogged her opponent by employing the radical strategy of 'having more votes.' The former reality TV star's campaign team is reportedly still waiting for a dramatic rose ceremony to determine the final outcome.

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Trump Pardons Man Who Simply Forgot He Wasn't Allowed To Do Insider Trading Anymore After Leaving Congress

Former Congressman Stephen Buyer, who maintains he was merely 'aggressively coincidental' with his stock trades, has been fully pardoned after Trump described the conviction as 'a total witch hunt against a man who simply loved the stock market very much.'

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Man Who Ran Nation's Health Department Now Wants To Run Nation's Largest State, Still Not Sure What He Actually Wants

Former HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra has advanced to California's general election for governor, presumably after running out of federal departments to be in charge of. Sources close to Becerra confirm he has already begun eyeing the presidency 'just to collect the whole set.'

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Xavier Becerra Advances In Governor's Race After Promising Every Californian A Personal Apology For Traffic

Former Attorney General Xavier Becerra secured his spot in the general election Tuesday after unveiling his groundbreaking 'I'm So Sorry About The 405' platform, which experts are calling 'statistically the most resonant political message in California history.' Pollsters confirmed that 94% of voters reported weeping openly when Becerra looked directly into a camera and whispered, 'The merge lane. I know.'

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Attorney General Announces IRS Will No Longer Audit Trump, Citing 'Too Many Numbers, Very Confusing, Sad'

Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche confirmed Tuesday that the Department of Justice will officially stop looking at Donald Trump's finances, explaining that 'math is hard and the president is a very busy man who definitely did nothing wrong, we're sure of it.'

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New Fed Chair Hires Guy Who Wrote 'What If We Just Didn't Do That Anymore' Chapter Of Federal Reserve Manual

In a bold first move, Fed Chair Kevin Warsh has staffed the nation's central bank with the man who spent three years writing a 47-page document explaining why the central bank should not exist. The hire is being described by insiders as 'going great, totally fine, no concerns whatsoever.'

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Congress Passes Historic Bill Requiring All Politicians To Wear Dunce Caps Proportional To Their Confidence Level

In a rare moment of bipartisan cooperation, lawmakers unanimously agreed that the American public deserves a more accurate visual representation of legislative expertise. The Congressional Hat Accountability and Proportional Intelligence Act goes into effect January 1st.

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NJ Governor Confirms All Problems In New Jersey Caused By People From Somewhere Else, New Jerseyans Shrug And Agree

Governor Miriam Sherrill made the shocking announcement Monday that New Jersey's troubles can be traced entirely to outsiders, a finding that somehow surprised no one in New Jersey. 'We were fine until they showed up,' confirmed every New Jerseyan simultaneously.

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Congress Passes Historic Bill Requiring All Future Legislation To Be Written In Crayon So Everyone Can Understand It

In a rare bipartisan victory, the Senate voted 94-6 to mandate that all federal laws be drafted exclusively in Crayola products, with comic sans font strongly encouraged for 'readability purposes.'

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Congress Passes Historic Bill Requiring All Politicians To Wear A Little Bell So Constituents Can Hear Them Coming

In a rare moment of bipartisan cooperation, the Senate voted 94-6 to mandate that all elected federal officials be fitted with a small brass bell attached to their lapel, citing 'general sneakiness' as the primary concern.

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U.S. Military Bombs Iran While Trump Assures Everyone Negotiations 'Going Great, Honestly Never Better'

The Pentagon confirmed Monday that it had conducted several 'completely chill, totally defensive' airstrikes on Iranian missile sites, insisting the bombings in no way contradict the President's simultaneous social media post describing talks as 'proceeding nicely, maybe the nicest proceeding ever.'

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Trump Launches $1.8 Billion 'Sorry You Got Hurt' Fund, Specifically Excludes Everyone Who Got Hurt

In what legal experts are calling 'a masterclass in not understanding what apology funds are for,' the former president's compensation initiative has been praised for its bold decision to exclude all potential recipients.

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U.S. Officially Charges Cuba's Entire Communist Government With Being 'Extremely Annoying,' Sources Confirm

The Department of Justice escalated its pressure campaign against Cuba Monday by indicting 92-year-old Raúl Castro on 47 counts of Being A Buzzkill And Also Communism. Castro has not yet responded, reportedly because he does not care.

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Congress Passes Landmark Bill Requiring All Political Speeches To Be Delivered In A Bouncy Castle

In a rare show of bipartisan unity, lawmakers have mandated that all official political addresses must henceforth take place inside a regulation-size inflatable structure, citing 'improved accountability' and 'honestly just wanting to see this.'

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Pelosi Endorses Successor After Extensive 47-Year Silence, Demands Endorsed Candidate Immediately Begin Accruing Personal Power

In a stunning break from her famously tight-lipped nature, Nancy Pelosi has finally spoken words into a microphone, endorsing San Francisco official Connie Chan to inherit her congressional seat, her collection of designer suits, and the ancient curse that keeps her eternally youthful.

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Trump Spends Entire Tuesday Threatening Iran, Unpromising Iran, Re-Threatening Iran, Apologizing To Iran, And Finally Challenging Iran To An Arm-Wrestling Match

Sources close to the President confirm he cycled through a full declaration of war and subsequent peace treaty approximately eleven times before lunch, setting a new personal record. The Joint Chiefs of Staff reportedly took up competitive napping to cope.

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Hundreds Gather To Have Crime Fears Validated By Man Who Once Sold Crystals On Reality TV

Sherman Oaks residents, desperate for leadership, have placed their hopes for public safety squarely in the hands of Spencer Pratt, the man best known for believing a healing gemstone could fix his marriage on 'The Hills.' Local officials confirm this is somehow happening.

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Supreme Court Tells Virginia Democrats To Just Draw Their Map With Their Non-Dominant Hand Next Time

In a landmark ruling that legal scholars are calling 'a real bummer,' the Supreme Court rejected Virginia Democrats' voting map, suggesting they try again but maybe with more 'pizzazz' and fewer 'suspicious wiggly lines near Fairfax County.'

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Congress Agrees To Resolve All Future Budget Disputes Through Competitive Hot Dog Eating Contest

In a landmark bipartisan agreement hailed as 'the most productive thing we've done in forty years,' the United States Congress has unanimously voted to settle all fiscal disagreements through a series of nationally televised hot dog eating competitions.

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JD Vance Assures Iran They Can Keep Their Centrifuges 'As Long As They Pinky Promise Not To Do Anything Weird With Them'

In a landmark diplomatic breakthrough, Vice President JD Vance confirmed that negotiations with Iran are progressing smoothly after both parties agreed to an honor system-based nuclear non-proliferation framework. 'We shook hands. Very firm handshake. Nuclear problem solved,' Vance told reporters.

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FBI Director Insists He Was Simply 'Conducting Undercover Investigations Into Various Whiskey Distilleries' During Unexplained Absences

Kash Patel assured senators Thursday that what witnesses described as 'seventeen consecutive tequila shots' was actually a classified counter-terrorism operation, adding that his blackout was 'a deeply patriotic blackout.'

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Supreme Court Rules Alabama May Replace Congressional Districts With One Giant 'Whites Only' Maze, Sources Confirm

In a landmark 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court has greenlit Alabama's bold new plan to replace two predominantly Black congressional districts with a single district shaped like a Confederate flag, which officials say is 'purely coincidental.' State legislators praised the ruling as 'a win for creative cartography.'

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Senate Republicans Agree $1 Billion For Disco Ball Security Is 'Absolutely Necessary' For National Defense

After hours of solemn deliberation, Senate Republicans unanimously agreed that America's greatest vulnerability is the possibility of someone sneaking into Mar-a-Lago's Grand Ballroom and unplugging the fog machine. 'This is bigger than 9/11,' said one senator.

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Trump Waiting By Phone For Iran's Text Back, Has Read Receipts On, Sources Confirm

A visibly anxious President Trump has reportedly been staring at his phone for three days straight, having sent Iran a peace proposal with the message 'lmk' and two question marks. Pakistan and Qatar have been enlisted as the diplomatic equivalent of mutual friends telling Iran 'just text him back, he's not that bad.'

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Former FBI Director James Comey Desperately Claims He Has 'Sudden Onset Court Anxiety' and Must Stay Home to Water His Imaginary Plants

Comey's attorney filed a 47-page motion explaining that his client has developed an acute fear of wooden gavels and courthouse carpeting. Medical experts remain baffled by his claimed condition of 'judicial venue phobia.'

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Local Man's Extensive Pokémon Card Collection Ruled Too Valuable for Government to Return

Federal judge determines seized trading cards constitute "matter of national security" after discovering holographic Charizard among ballots mistaken for rare collectibles.

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Ramaswamy Wins Ohio Primary After Promising to Govern State Exclusively Through Podcast Appearances

Republican candidate Vivek Ramaswamy secured victory in Ohio's gubernatorial primary by pledging to eliminate all traditional government buildings and conduct all state business via his new podcast, 'Governing While Entrepreneuring.'

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Starmer Accidentally Invites Only People Named Sam to Anti-Semitism Summit After Misreading Memo

Prime Minister Keir Starmer's dyslexia strikes again as Downing Street prepared catering for 47 confused Sams instead of religious and community leaders.

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Rudy Giuliani's Hair Dye Achieves Sentience, Refuses To Leave Host Body

Former NYC mayor remains in critical condition as his black hair dye has reportedly gained consciousness and is demanding workers' compensation for years of unpaid labor.

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Hotel Security Footage Reveals Secret Service Agent Was Actually Just Really Bad at Duck Duck Goose

Washington Hilton surveillance video shows what prosecutors initially believed was an assassination attempt was actually an overly competitive game of children's party activities gone horribly wrong.

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Pentagon Shocked to Discover War Costs More Than Initially Budgeted for on Napkin

Military officials express bewilderment that explosive warfare somehow resulted in expensive property damage, vow to include 'stuff getting blown up' in future cost projections.

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Brazilian Senate Rejects Supreme Court Nominee After He Fails to Turn Water Into Wine During Confirmation Hearing

Jorge Messias, despite impressive qualifications in evangelical theology, was unable to perform the miracle that senators deemed 'essential for proper judicial decision-making.'

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New U.S. Passports To Feature Trump's Face On Every Page, Including Bathroom Break Instructions

The State Department announces that commemorative passports will showcase the former president's expressions for different travel scenarios, from customs declarations to turbulence reactions.

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Marco Rubio Outraged After Iran Installs EZ-Pass Toll Booths Throughout Strait of Hormuz

Secretary of State demands Iran remove coin-operated turnstiles and 'Exact Change Only' signs from international shipping lane, calling it 'highway robbery on the high seas.'

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CBS News Poll Reveals California Voters Still Looking for Actual Human Being to Run for Governor

With Tuesday's debate approaching, pollsters discover most primary voters are simply hoping to find a candidate who isn't a hologram, chatbot, or escaped zoo animal.

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Local Mayor Declares War on Gravity After Tripping on Sidewalk During Campaign Event

Mayor Patricia Hendricks has officially banned gravity within city limits following what she calls 'a politically motivated attack by physics itself.'

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Nation's Golden Age Delayed After Trump Discovers Gold Mines Don't Actually Exist in White House Basement

Former president reportedly spent weeks with pickaxe and headlamp searching Lincoln Bedroom crawlspace for precious metals to jumpstart promised economic boom.

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Local Man's Defamation Lawsuit Dismissed After Judge Rules 'Nobody Could Possibly Take This Seriously'

FBI Director Kash Patel's legal case crumbles faster than his credibility after court determines his reputation was 'pre-damaged beyond repair.'

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Local Mayor Announces City Will Switch to Metric Time After Realizing Regular Time 'Too Confusing for Voters'

Mayor Patricia Windham claims traditional 24-hour days are 'elitist' and plans to implement 10-hour days with 100-minute hours to better serve constituents who struggle with analog clocks.

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Obama's Rendition of 'The Wheels on the Bus' So Powerful It Accidentally Passes Universal Childcare Bill Through Congress

Former President's surprisingly moving performance of classic children's song creates legislative miracle, with GOP senators reportedly sobbing and immediately reversing decades of policy positions.

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Local Man's Dream of Becoming Professional Election Overthrower Crushed by Unfair Job Requirements

John Eastman's promising career in democracy demolition comes to abrupt end after California Supreme Court fails to appreciate his innovative approach to constitutional interpretation.

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JD Vance Confirms Iran Negotiations Stalled After Tehran Refuses to Accept His Friend Request on LinkedIn

The Vice President revealed that diplomatic talks hit a snag when Iranian officials ignored his professional networking attempts and failed to endorse his skills in 'Strategic Dealmaking' and 'Hillbilly Elegies.'

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Local Man Who Still Has 47,000 Copies of Anti-Obama DVD Finally Finds New Purpose Filing Nanny-Related Immigration Complaints

Joel Gilbert, whose 2012 bulk mailing campaign left him with a garage full of unwatched conspiracy documentaries, has pivoted to investigating childcare workers with the same dedication he once applied to proving the President was secretly Kenyan.

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Trump Fires Entire San Francisco Presidio Board After Discovering They Had Been Dead Since 1994

The former president expressed outrage upon learning that the prestigious military park had been operated by a group of decomposed skeletons for nearly three decades.

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Hungarian PM Viktor Orbán Promises Electoral Victory So Shocking He Himself Will Be Surprised, Experts Confirm He Already Looks Confused

Viktor Orbán announced his upcoming victory will be so surprising that even he doesn't know what he's planning to do, leading campaign advisors to gently remind him he's been in power for 14 years.

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Trump Demands Iran Also Reopen His Favorite Sushi Restaurant as Part of Peace Deal

President threatens to tweet angrily in all caps unless Tehran agrees to restore navigation rights to both the Strait of Hormuz and Sakura Palace, which has been closed since 2019.

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Local Mayor Declares War on Gravity After Tripping Down City Hall Steps for Third Time This Month (Part 6)

Mayor Patricia Hendricks announces comprehensive anti-gravity legislation following what she calls "a clear pattern of gravitational harassment" against her administration.

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Local Mayor Declares War on Gravity After Repeatedly Dropping Keys During Press Conference

Mayor Thompson cited gravity as 'a clear and present danger to municipal efficiency' after his third key-dropping incident this month.

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Trump Announces 401(k) Plans Will Now Accept Pokémon Cards, Beanie Babies, and 'Whatever Crypto My Son Is Shilling This Week'

The former president's revolutionary retirement proposal would allow Americans to invest their life savings in 'alternative assets' like rare holographic Charizards and commemorative coins from infomercials.

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Democrats Reportedly Hiding Under Desks After Mysterious 'Power Player' Whispers Mean Things About Them at Whole Foods

Party officials have been spotted crawling on all fours through Capitol Hill corridors after an unidentified political heavyweight called them 'weak and woke' while selecting organic kale.

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Pentagon Clarifies That 'Operation Epic Fury' Actually Just Refers to Secretary of Defense's Extreme Frustration With Microsoft Excel

Military officials admit the dramatic operation name was inspired by Defense Secretary's legendary rage-fits while trying to format quarterly budget spreadsheets.

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Local Mayor Discovers Political Career Much Easier After Accidentally Running Campaign Entirely in Rhyme

Mayor Janet Wickshire of Millfield, Ohio credits her landslide re-election victory to what she initially thought was a debilitating speech impediment caused by a workplace accident.

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Trump's Approval Rating Falls So Low It Technically Becomes a Geological Formation

Scientists confirm that President Trump's approval rating has plummeted so far below sea level that it has formed its own underground cavern system, complete with stalactites and confused bats.

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Trump Demands His Signature Replace George Washington's Face on Dollar Bills, Citing 'Much Better Penmanship'

President announces revolutionary currency redesign where his autograph will be enlarged to cover 87% of each bill's surface area. Treasury Department scrambles to find pens that write in gold ink.

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GOP Lawmakers Demand Iran War Come With Instruction Manual After Admitting They Haven't Read Fine Print

House Republicans express outrage that military conflict doesn't include easy-to-follow diagrams or estimated completion time like IKEA furniture assembly.

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Local Mayor Declares War on Geese After Being Challenged to Fistfight by Aggressive Gander

Mayor Patricia Wheelwright has officially mobilized the city's resources against waterfowl following what she called 'an act of avian aggression that cannot stand.'

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TSA Agent Wins 'Workplace Snitch of the Month' Award for 47th Consecutive Time

Local TSA employee Barry Tittlesworth has once again claimed the coveted monthly prize after successfully preventing a mother and daughter from experiencing the basic human joy of travel.

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Local Mayor Announces Official City Policy of Pretending Downtown Sinkhole Doesn't Exist

Following months of failed repair attempts, Mayor Patricia Holbrook has declared the 40-foot crater in Main Street 'officially invisible' and urged residents to 'walk around it with confidence.'

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French Municipal Elections Declared Complete Success by Every Single Candidate, Including Those Who Didn't Run

In an unprecedented display of political unity, all 67 million French citizens have simultaneously claimed victory in municipal elections, with even deceased former mayors issuing triumphant press releases from beyond the grave.

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Trump and Starmer Spend 3-Hour Phone Call Arguing Over Who Has to Navigate Through Strait of Hormuz First During Awkward Military Playdate

The two world leaders reportedly engaged in an increasingly childish dispute over turn-taking protocols after the UK agreed to let America borrow their military bases for missile strikes.

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Local Mayor Discovers Democracy Works Better When Citizens Are Distracted by Shiny Objects

Mayor Patricia Hornblower's controversial new policy of dangling reflective disco balls during town meetings has resulted in a 340% increase in voter approval ratings.

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Labour MPs Threaten to Hold Breath Until They Turn Blue to Protest Migration Plans

Parliamentary opposition reaches new heights of maturity as MPs consider holding their breath, stamping their feet, and possibly hiding under desks to express their disapproval.

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Judge Rules That RFK Jr. Overstepped on Everything, Literally Everything

Federal judge issues sweeping 847-page ruling determining that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has exceeded his authority in areas ranging from healthcare policy to bird identification to existing as a Kennedy.

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Oregon Officials Frantically Google 'Who Is Cesar Chavez' After Realizing They Named 47 Things After Complete Stranger

State leaders admit they've been naming schools, streets, and buildings after labor leader for decades without anyone actually checking what he did beyond 'probably something good with grapes.'

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Local Mayor Declares War on Gravity After Tripping Over Campaign Sign

Mayor Jenkins announces comprehensive anti-gravity initiative following embarrassing stumble at Tuesday's ribbon-cutting ceremony.

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Department of War Reveals Four Soldiers Lost During Epic Tantrum Operation Were Actually Just Playing Hide-and-Seek Really Well

Military officials admit 'Operation Epic Fury' was actually a massive game of hide-and-seek that got way out of hand when soldiers hid so effectively they forgot to come out.

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Local Montana Congressman Resigns After Discovering Job Requires Actually Going to Montana

Ryan Zinke, who spent most of his congressional term believing Montana was just a really large hotel conference room in D.C., announced his resignation after GPS finally led him to the actual state.

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Pentagon Realizes 'Operation Epic Fury' Name Already Taken by Local Teenager's Call of Duty Clan

Military officials scramble to rebrand massive Middle East operation after discovering copyright infringement lawsuit from 14-year-old gamer Kyle 'XxEpicFuryxX' Henderson.

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Trump Announces Middle East Conflict Will Be Wrapped Up Just in Time for His Golf Tournament in Mar-a-Lago

Former president provides oddly specific 4-5 week timeline, coincidentally ending right before his annual charity golf event benefiting 'Veterans Who Look Like Me.'

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Local Woman So Unimpressed by Government Plane She'd Rather Stay in Different Country

Ana Lucia López Belloza becomes first person in history to receive free government transportation and respond with 'no thanks, I'm good.'

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Cuban President Reportedly Too Busy Complaining About Energy Bills to Notice Trump's Friendly Takeover Invitation

Díaz-Canel spent three hours ranting about electricity costs while completely missing Trump's offer to 'amicably conquer' the island nation.

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Local Mayor Accidentally Runs City Government Through Candy Crush for Three Months

Mayor Patricia Henderson thought she was checking emails when she unknowingly managed municipal budgets, approved construction permits, and conducted city council meetings entirely through the popular mobile game.

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Local Man Who Can't Even Operate TV Remote Confident He Can Single-Handedly Rig Entire National Election

Sources confirm that Donald Trump, who reportedly still asks staffers to change channels for him, believes he possesses the technical prowess to manipulate voting systems across 50 states simultaneously.

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Local Mayor Declares War On Gravity After Tripping Down City Hall Steps For Third Time This Month (Part 101)

Mayor Richardson announces ambitious $40 million anti-gravity initiative following what he calls "a clear pattern of gravitational harassment."

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Kim Jong-un Wins North Korean Election With 110% of Vote, Opponents Thank Him for Opportunity to Lose

In a stunning display of democratic excellence, Kim Jong-un secured his re-election with more votes than people, while his nuclear program receives participation trophy for 'Most Improved Weapon of Mass Destruction.'

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Kim Jong-un Wins North Korea's Most Popular Leader Contest for 13th Consecutive Year, Receives Participation Trophy

In a shocking upset that absolutely no one saw coming, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has once again been voted 'Most Beloved Dictator' by a panel of judges consisting entirely of himself.

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Local Mayor Declares War On Gravity After Tripping Down City Hall Steps For Third Time This Month

Mayor Henderson announced a comprehensive anti-gravity initiative following what he calls 'repeated unprovoked attacks by this invisible menace.'

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Local Mayor Declares War on Gravity After Tripping on City Hall Steps for Third Time This Month

Mayor Henderson announces ambitious $47 million initiative to make gravity illegal within city limits following yet another embarrassing public stumble.

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Government Announces New Tax: Breathing Tax

Citizens to be charged $5 per breath under new legislation.

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Local Cat Elected Mayor, Immediately Declares Naps Mandatory

The campaign slogan More Sleep for Everyone resonated with voters.

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