Fresh politics absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.
89 articles
A landmark federal study has determined that proximity to catering stations during legislative receptions reduces a senator's policy retention by nearly half, prompting the Surgeon General to issue an unprecedented seating chart advisory for all official government functions.
The Graham Platner for U.S. Senate campaign has formally initiated its offboarding process, submitting the required paperwork to transition from 'active candidacy' to 'legacy organizational memory.' The Department of Nonsense has confirmed receipt and wishes the campaign well in its future endeavors.
Crews returned Monday to drain the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool for what officials described as a 'scheduled unscheduling' of water, adding that the pool's continued presence of liquid is being treated as an evolving situation.
A federal commission has determined that handshakes performed at bill signings carry zero legislative weight and may, in fact, constitute a separate agreement entirely. Affected parties have been notified by certified mail.
Following renewed interest in expanding Mount Rushmore's roster of carved presidential faces, the National Park Service released a three-page internal memo confirming the mountain is 'not presently structured to accommodate additional headcount.' Officials emphasized this is a rock issue, not a people issue.
The Department of Nonsense issued a formal statement Tuesday confirming that decades of federal correspondence have been routed to Karen M. Delacroix of Boca Raton, Florida, rather than Karen J. Delacroix, the intended Deputy Undersecretary of Lateral Policy Initiatives. Karen M. Delacroix has, by all accounts, been handling it.
The Department of Nonsense issued a sweeping policy directive this week requiring all federal agencies to consult a regulation-compliant Magic 8-Ball before finalizing any decision above a GS-7 pay grade. Critics say the policy represents a dramatic shift in governance. Supporters say it represents a dramatic improvement.
A peer-reviewed study published Tuesday has confirmed that Senate floor debates produce enough hot air to meaningfully affect indoor air quality in the Capitol Building, prompting the CDC to issue its first-ever Public Safety Advisory for a legislative body. Residents within a two-mile radius are advised to crack a window.
The Department of Nonsense has issued the following official statement regarding the court-ordered de-nominalization of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. All affected letters have been notified.
In a shocking development that has left political scientists questioning everything they know, Councilwoman Katy Raman leapfrogged her opponent by employing the radical strategy of 'having more votes.' The former reality TV star's campaign team is reportedly still waiting for a dramatic rose ceremony to determine the final outcome.
Former Congressman Stephen Buyer, who maintains he was merely 'aggressively coincidental' with his stock trades, has been fully pardoned after Trump described the conviction as 'a total witch hunt against a man who simply loved the stock market very much.'
Former HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra has advanced to California's general election for governor, presumably after running out of federal departments to be in charge of. Sources close to Becerra confirm he has already begun eyeing the presidency 'just to collect the whole set.'
Former Attorney General Xavier Becerra secured his spot in the general election Tuesday after unveiling his groundbreaking 'I'm So Sorry About The 405' platform, which experts are calling 'statistically the most resonant political message in California history.' Pollsters confirmed that 94% of voters reported weeping openly when Becerra looked directly into a camera and whispered, 'The merge lane. I know.'
Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche confirmed Tuesday that the Department of Justice will officially stop looking at Donald Trump's finances, explaining that 'math is hard and the president is a very busy man who definitely did nothing wrong, we're sure of it.'
In a bold first move, Fed Chair Kevin Warsh has staffed the nation's central bank with the man who spent three years writing a 47-page document explaining why the central bank should not exist. The hire is being described by insiders as 'going great, totally fine, no concerns whatsoever.'
In a rare moment of bipartisan cooperation, lawmakers unanimously agreed that the American public deserves a more accurate visual representation of legislative expertise. The Congressional Hat Accountability and Proportional Intelligence Act goes into effect January 1st.
Governor Miriam Sherrill made the shocking announcement Monday that New Jersey's troubles can be traced entirely to outsiders, a finding that somehow surprised no one in New Jersey. 'We were fine until they showed up,' confirmed every New Jerseyan simultaneously.
In a rare bipartisan victory, the Senate voted 94-6 to mandate that all federal laws be drafted exclusively in Crayola products, with comic sans font strongly encouraged for 'readability purposes.'
In a rare moment of bipartisan cooperation, the Senate voted 94-6 to mandate that all elected federal officials be fitted with a small brass bell attached to their lapel, citing 'general sneakiness' as the primary concern.
The Pentagon confirmed Monday that it had conducted several 'completely chill, totally defensive' airstrikes on Iranian missile sites, insisting the bombings in no way contradict the President's simultaneous social media post describing talks as 'proceeding nicely, maybe the nicest proceeding ever.'
In what legal experts are calling 'a masterclass in not understanding what apology funds are for,' the former president's compensation initiative has been praised for its bold decision to exclude all potential recipients.
The Department of Justice escalated its pressure campaign against Cuba Monday by indicting 92-year-old Raúl Castro on 47 counts of Being A Buzzkill And Also Communism. Castro has not yet responded, reportedly because he does not care.
In a rare show of bipartisan unity, lawmakers have mandated that all official political addresses must henceforth take place inside a regulation-size inflatable structure, citing 'improved accountability' and 'honestly just wanting to see this.'
In a stunning break from her famously tight-lipped nature, Nancy Pelosi has finally spoken words into a microphone, endorsing San Francisco official Connie Chan to inherit her congressional seat, her collection of designer suits, and the ancient curse that keeps her eternally youthful.
Sources close to the President confirm he cycled through a full declaration of war and subsequent peace treaty approximately eleven times before lunch, setting a new personal record. The Joint Chiefs of Staff reportedly took up competitive napping to cope.
Sherman Oaks residents, desperate for leadership, have placed their hopes for public safety squarely in the hands of Spencer Pratt, the man best known for believing a healing gemstone could fix his marriage on 'The Hills.' Local officials confirm this is somehow happening.
In a landmark ruling that legal scholars are calling 'a real bummer,' the Supreme Court rejected Virginia Democrats' voting map, suggesting they try again but maybe with more 'pizzazz' and fewer 'suspicious wiggly lines near Fairfax County.'
In a landmark bipartisan agreement hailed as 'the most productive thing we've done in forty years,' the United States Congress has unanimously voted to settle all fiscal disagreements through a series of nationally televised hot dog eating competitions.
In a landmark diplomatic breakthrough, Vice President JD Vance confirmed that negotiations with Iran are progressing smoothly after both parties agreed to an honor system-based nuclear non-proliferation framework. 'We shook hands. Very firm handshake. Nuclear problem solved,' Vance told reporters.
Kash Patel assured senators Thursday that what witnesses described as 'seventeen consecutive tequila shots' was actually a classified counter-terrorism operation, adding that his blackout was 'a deeply patriotic blackout.'
In a landmark 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court has greenlit Alabama's bold new plan to replace two predominantly Black congressional districts with a single district shaped like a Confederate flag, which officials say is 'purely coincidental.' State legislators praised the ruling as 'a win for creative cartography.'
After hours of solemn deliberation, Senate Republicans unanimously agreed that America's greatest vulnerability is the possibility of someone sneaking into Mar-a-Lago's Grand Ballroom and unplugging the fog machine. 'This is bigger than 9/11,' said one senator.
A visibly anxious President Trump has reportedly been staring at his phone for three days straight, having sent Iran a peace proposal with the message 'lmk' and two question marks. Pakistan and Qatar have been enlisted as the diplomatic equivalent of mutual friends telling Iran 'just text him back, he's not that bad.'
Comey's attorney filed a 47-page motion explaining that his client has developed an acute fear of wooden gavels and courthouse carpeting. Medical experts remain baffled by his claimed condition of 'judicial venue phobia.'
Federal judge determines seized trading cards constitute "matter of national security" after discovering holographic Charizard among ballots mistaken for rare collectibles.
Republican candidate Vivek Ramaswamy secured victory in Ohio's gubernatorial primary by pledging to eliminate all traditional government buildings and conduct all state business via his new podcast, 'Governing While Entrepreneuring.'
Prime Minister Keir Starmer's dyslexia strikes again as Downing Street prepared catering for 47 confused Sams instead of religious and community leaders.
Former NYC mayor remains in critical condition as his black hair dye has reportedly gained consciousness and is demanding workers' compensation for years of unpaid labor.
Washington Hilton surveillance video shows what prosecutors initially believed was an assassination attempt was actually an overly competitive game of children's party activities gone horribly wrong.
Military officials express bewilderment that explosive warfare somehow resulted in expensive property damage, vow to include 'stuff getting blown up' in future cost projections.
Jorge Messias, despite impressive qualifications in evangelical theology, was unable to perform the miracle that senators deemed 'essential for proper judicial decision-making.'
The State Department announces that commemorative passports will showcase the former president's expressions for different travel scenarios, from customs declarations to turbulence reactions.
Secretary of State demands Iran remove coin-operated turnstiles and 'Exact Change Only' signs from international shipping lane, calling it 'highway robbery on the high seas.'
With Tuesday's debate approaching, pollsters discover most primary voters are simply hoping to find a candidate who isn't a hologram, chatbot, or escaped zoo animal.
Mayor Patricia Hendricks has officially banned gravity within city limits following what she calls 'a politically motivated attack by physics itself.'
Former president reportedly spent weeks with pickaxe and headlamp searching Lincoln Bedroom crawlspace for precious metals to jumpstart promised economic boom.
FBI Director Kash Patel's legal case crumbles faster than his credibility after court determines his reputation was 'pre-damaged beyond repair.'
Mayor Patricia Windham claims traditional 24-hour days are 'elitist' and plans to implement 10-hour days with 100-minute hours to better serve constituents who struggle with analog clocks.
Former President's surprisingly moving performance of classic children's song creates legislative miracle, with GOP senators reportedly sobbing and immediately reversing decades of policy positions.
John Eastman's promising career in democracy demolition comes to abrupt end after California Supreme Court fails to appreciate his innovative approach to constitutional interpretation.
The Vice President revealed that diplomatic talks hit a snag when Iranian officials ignored his professional networking attempts and failed to endorse his skills in 'Strategic Dealmaking' and 'Hillbilly Elegies.'
Joel Gilbert, whose 2012 bulk mailing campaign left him with a garage full of unwatched conspiracy documentaries, has pivoted to investigating childcare workers with the same dedication he once applied to proving the President was secretly Kenyan.
The former president expressed outrage upon learning that the prestigious military park had been operated by a group of decomposed skeletons for nearly three decades.
Viktor Orbán announced his upcoming victory will be so surprising that even he doesn't know what he's planning to do, leading campaign advisors to gently remind him he's been in power for 14 years.
President threatens to tweet angrily in all caps unless Tehran agrees to restore navigation rights to both the Strait of Hormuz and Sakura Palace, which has been closed since 2019.
Mayor Patricia Hendricks announces comprehensive anti-gravity legislation following what she calls "a clear pattern of gravitational harassment" against her administration.
Mayor Thompson cited gravity as 'a clear and present danger to municipal efficiency' after his third key-dropping incident this month.
The former president's revolutionary retirement proposal would allow Americans to invest their life savings in 'alternative assets' like rare holographic Charizards and commemorative coins from infomercials.
Party officials have been spotted crawling on all fours through Capitol Hill corridors after an unidentified political heavyweight called them 'weak and woke' while selecting organic kale.
Military officials admit the dramatic operation name was inspired by Defense Secretary's legendary rage-fits while trying to format quarterly budget spreadsheets.
Mayor Janet Wickshire of Millfield, Ohio credits her landslide re-election victory to what she initially thought was a debilitating speech impediment caused by a workplace accident.
Scientists confirm that President Trump's approval rating has plummeted so far below sea level that it has formed its own underground cavern system, complete with stalactites and confused bats.
President announces revolutionary currency redesign where his autograph will be enlarged to cover 87% of each bill's surface area. Treasury Department scrambles to find pens that write in gold ink.
House Republicans express outrage that military conflict doesn't include easy-to-follow diagrams or estimated completion time like IKEA furniture assembly.
Mayor Patricia Wheelwright has officially mobilized the city's resources against waterfowl following what she called 'an act of avian aggression that cannot stand.'
Local TSA employee Barry Tittlesworth has once again claimed the coveted monthly prize after successfully preventing a mother and daughter from experiencing the basic human joy of travel.
Following months of failed repair attempts, Mayor Patricia Holbrook has declared the 40-foot crater in Main Street 'officially invisible' and urged residents to 'walk around it with confidence.'
In an unprecedented display of political unity, all 67 million French citizens have simultaneously claimed victory in municipal elections, with even deceased former mayors issuing triumphant press releases from beyond the grave.
The two world leaders reportedly engaged in an increasingly childish dispute over turn-taking protocols after the UK agreed to let America borrow their military bases for missile strikes.
Mayor Patricia Hornblower's controversial new policy of dangling reflective disco balls during town meetings has resulted in a 340% increase in voter approval ratings.
Parliamentary opposition reaches new heights of maturity as MPs consider holding their breath, stamping their feet, and possibly hiding under desks to express their disapproval.
Federal judge issues sweeping 847-page ruling determining that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has exceeded his authority in areas ranging from healthcare policy to bird identification to existing as a Kennedy.
State leaders admit they've been naming schools, streets, and buildings after labor leader for decades without anyone actually checking what he did beyond 'probably something good with grapes.'
Mayor Jenkins announces comprehensive anti-gravity initiative following embarrassing stumble at Tuesday's ribbon-cutting ceremony.
Military officials admit 'Operation Epic Fury' was actually a massive game of hide-and-seek that got way out of hand when soldiers hid so effectively they forgot to come out.
Ryan Zinke, who spent most of his congressional term believing Montana was just a really large hotel conference room in D.C., announced his resignation after GPS finally led him to the actual state.
Military officials scramble to rebrand massive Middle East operation after discovering copyright infringement lawsuit from 14-year-old gamer Kyle 'XxEpicFuryxX' Henderson.
Former president provides oddly specific 4-5 week timeline, coincidentally ending right before his annual charity golf event benefiting 'Veterans Who Look Like Me.'
Ana Lucia López Belloza becomes first person in history to receive free government transportation and respond with 'no thanks, I'm good.'
DÃaz-Canel spent three hours ranting about electricity costs while completely missing Trump's offer to 'amicably conquer' the island nation.
Mayor Patricia Henderson thought she was checking emails when she unknowingly managed municipal budgets, approved construction permits, and conducted city council meetings entirely through the popular mobile game.
Sources confirm that Donald Trump, who reportedly still asks staffers to change channels for him, believes he possesses the technical prowess to manipulate voting systems across 50 states simultaneously.
Mayor Richardson announces ambitious $40 million anti-gravity initiative following what he calls "a clear pattern of gravitational harassment."
In a stunning display of democratic excellence, Kim Jong-un secured his re-election with more votes than people, while his nuclear program receives participation trophy for 'Most Improved Weapon of Mass Destruction.'
In a shocking upset that absolutely no one saw coming, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has once again been voted 'Most Beloved Dictator' by a panel of judges consisting entirely of himself.
Mayor Henderson announced a comprehensive anti-gravity initiative following what he calls 'repeated unprovoked attacks by this invisible menace.'
Mayor Henderson announces ambitious $47 million initiative to make gravity illegal within city limits following yet another embarrassing public stumble.
Citizens to be charged $5 per breath under new legislation.
The campaign slogan More Sleep for Everyone resonated with voters.