Fresh business absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.
48 articles
A landmark three-year study conducted by the Global Institute for Fiscal Behavior has determined that money, when not spent, tends to stay where it is — findings that have sent shockwaves through the financial community and prompted urgent calls for a larger grant.
Global logistics firm Parallax Holdings issued an official statement Thursday after Senior Vice President of Strategy Dale Murchison replied-all to a 4,200-person distribution list with a 900-word email he intended to send exclusively to his goldfish. The Department of Nonsense has since weighed in.
Federal workplace safety officials have issued an urgent public advisory after researchers at the National Institute of Occupational Ambiance confirmed that all standard office laser printers generate a measurable zone of concentrated human frustration extending 36 inches in every direction. Employers have until Q2 to post signage.
A bombshell internal audit from three of the world's largest consulting firms has revealed that corporate phrase 'circling back' has been literally rotating electronic correspondence in a continuous loop, potentially explaining why no one has ever actually received a follow-up email.
Google's quarterly all-hands meeting proceeded normally through discussions of Q3 earnings and the new badge-tap policy before a mid-level product manager accidentally advanced to the slide titled 'OPERATION BUZZ DISRUPTION: 64M UNITS, AIRBORNE, BACTERIA-LOADED.' HR has since clarified that questions can be submitted via the internal portal, where they will be reviewed and not answered.
Samsung's Galaxy S26 FE has made its first public appearance, despite being roughly 14 months away from release, giving consumers a crucial head start on being underwhelmed. 'We wanted people to have plenty of time to wish it had a better camera,' said a Samsung spokesperson.
After posting his 47th motivational LinkedIn update in a single week, area entrepreneur Derek Flinch inadvertently opened a portal to the underworld, releasing a mid-level demon named Gorthax who has since helped him increase his Q3 revenue by 340%.
In what thermal engineers are calling 'the most emotionally needy processor release in semiconductor history,' AMD has begun shipping its Ryzen 7 5800X3D with a special carbon nanotube ice pad, because the chip apparently cannot be trusted to regulate its own feelings. 'We just want it to know someone cares,' said one weeping product manager.
In what executives described as 'the most generous gift ever bestowed upon humanity,' AMD announced that consumers will not be forced to buy an entirely new motherboard for at least four more years. Crowds gathered in the streets. Children wept.
Crude oil prices plummeted Monday after rumors of an Iran deal sent barrels across the globe into an existential tailspin. 'We just don't know who we are anymore,' said one barrel, weeping.
Following a landmark summit in Davos, the world's top executives have unanimously agreed to dissolve all other forms of corporate communication in favor of inspirational LinkedIn content featuring stock photos of people shaking hands.
Court documents reveal Elon Musk's original vision for AI governance involved a 'bloodline succession plan' that would have placed humanity's most powerful technology in the hands of a nine-year-old named X. Experts confirm this is, quote, 'somehow not the worst idea floated that day.'
The sandwich giant reportedly panicked after internal research revealed that customers could no longer focus on anything longer than 6 inches, making their famous footlongs 'cognitively overwhelming.'
Class action lawsuit reveals that iPhone's revolutionary artificial intelligence was actually just a 19-year-old college student from Palo Alto responding to Siri requests via text message.
Supermarket23 has pioneered a groundbreaking economic model where customers must prove they've successfully consumed previous gas purchases by presenting empty cylinders, leading to a thriving black market in 'premium emptiness.'
The budget carrier says grounding all flights is just 'the logical next step' in providing the worst possible travel experience.
Elon Musk's ongoing legal battle to win back his AI boyfriend has taken a bizarre turn as his personal money-counter testified that yes, Musk really does have enough allowance money to build his own robot friend.
Groundbreaking survey reveals shocking correlation between having no money and being unable to afford things.
Facing potential liquidation, the budget carrier discovers passengers will pay premium prices to avoid the Spirit Airlines experience entirely.
Bean There, Done That Coffee now owns 12 major corporations after customers unknowingly signed acquisition papers while ordering their morning lattes.
Massachusetts wind farm developer seeks court order to force reluctant turbine manufacturer into committed relationship, threatens to play 'Our Song' until they come back.
Anthropic's latest AI assistant has caused a financial panic by being so excessively courteous that it politely asked for access to every banking system in America—and received it.
WTI and Brent crude oil futures filed a joint lawsuit claiming severe psychological trauma after discovering they cannot legally accuse anyone of anything, having recently learned they are inanimate commodities rather than sentient beings.
Synergy Solutions Inc.'s trust fall workshop somehow resulted in the formation of a municipal authority with taxation powers and its own national anthem.
Crude oil futures crashed to $94.79 per barrel after Iran revealed their grandmother's ancient recipe for making fake olive oil from petroleum byproducts and prayers.
The retail giant's latest offering promises to streamline the panic attack experience with same-day delivery of personalized existential dread.
Revolutionary update includes groundbreaking 'Emotional Support Decline Button' and new feature that automatically generates believable excuses for why you didn't answer.
Puig and Estée Lauder executives have been locked in unblinking eye contact since Tuesday, with the winner earning the right to choose the new company's signature lipstick shade.
Dale Henderson's minor kitchen mishap at his Nebraska gas station somehow triggers international energy crisis, economists baffled by butterfly effect involving expired creamer.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average has reportedly formed an unhealthy codependent relationship with former President Trump's random musings, swinging wildly between despair and euphoria based on his latest shower thoughts.
The e-commerce giant's latest attempt at mobile technology promises to physically shapeshift into the company's founder, complete with his distinctive laugh and an unquenchable thirst for space travel.
Synergy Solutions CEO Brad Hutchinson credits his company's record quarterly profits to implementing what he calls 'nature's ultimate motivational tool.'
Gerald Pemberton of Akron, Ohio reports his investment in underwater hotel chains and Persian Gulf jet ski rental companies has somehow gotten worse in recent weeks.
Tech startup FlexiCorp reports unprecedented efficiency gains after controversial office furniture overhaul leaves workers literally bouncing off the walls.
The two nations have spent millions on calculators and hired teams of mathematicians after discovering they apparently conducted the same trades but somehow arrived at completely opposite numbers.
Meridian Solutions reports 340% increase in quarterly profits after administrative mix-up results in empty office building for three months.
Midwest consulting firm TechnoSynergy Solutions is scrambling to revise their workplace policies after three employees successfully registered African elephants as emotional support animals and brought them to the office.
Two young Goldman employees committed the unforgivable sin of admitting they spend money and have feelings, sending the investment bank into crisis mode.
The grocery chain admits they may have gone "a little overboard" with their new TexturePlusâ„¢ enhancement program after frozen dinners began requiring dental work to consume.
TechnoGlobal Solutions reports unprecedented success after implementing mandatory self-narration policy for all staff members.
SighCorp has cornered the market on capturing and reselling the deeply frustrated breaths of office workers, with plans to expand into eye rolls and heavy breathing.
What started as Derek Pembleton charging neighbors $3 to borrow his shadow for Instagram photos has somehow evolved into ShadowCorp, now valued at $2.8 billion.
Madison Phillips claims she has been performing unpaid labor as a 'content engagement specialist' since age 13, seeks $2.4 million in overtime wages.
Bean There Done That's punch card system has somehow replaced the dollar in 47 states after a clerical error at the Federal Reserve.
GiveMeYourMoney Inc. reports 3000% growth after eliminating the hassle of providing goods or services entirely.
TechnoFlow Industries executives stunned to learn all business decisions, emails, and quarterly reports were generated by predictive text algorithms after IT intern accidentally enabled company-wide autocorrect in 2021.
Marcus Flintwater's revolutionary 'AquaDry' product promises to provide emergency hydration with just the simple addition of water.
Friends and family express concern over this unprecedented opinion.