Business

Fresh business absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.

56 articles

All-Hands Memo Confirms Employee Assistance Program Is 'Available To All Employees Who Are Able To Navigate The Employee Assistance Program', Benefits Team Calls Rollout 'Largely Self-Selecting'

A regional logistics company is under scrutiny after an all-hands meeting revealed its employee wellness infrastructure successfully documented a worker's distress across four platforms, two hotlines, and one laminated poster — none of which were authorized to act on the information.

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Major Consulting Firm Releases 340-Page Report Confirming That Revenue Is Money That Comes In And Expenses Are Money That Goes Out, Clients Billed Accordingly

A landmark two-year study by the Consortium for Financial Literacy in Enterprise has concluded that when a company spends money, that money is no longer in the company's possession, a finding that has sent shockwaves through boardrooms from Dallas to Zurich.

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Official Guidance Issued On Whether Invoices Should Contain A Total, Bureau Notes That 'Total' Column Has Long Been Optional In Spirit

The Department of Nonsense has released a sweeping 340-page policy brief mandating that business lunches must, at minimum, feature lunch, while stopping short of any guidance on whether participants must eat it.

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Public Safety Alert: New Federally Chartered Bank May Begin Holding Money, Citizens Advised To Check Whether They Have Any

The Office of the Comptroller of the Currency has issued a preliminary approval confirming that USD1 is stable, that one dollar equals one dollar, and that this finding, while reproducible, should not be acted upon without consulting a licensed financial professional or a reasonably calm adult.

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Breaking: Downtown Merchants Association Issues Formal Guidance Stating That 'Brick-And-Mortar' Refers To Building Materials And Not A Proposed Business Model

The Greater Pineford Chamber of Commerce has issued a 14-page policy clarification confirming that the word 'networking' is metaphorical in nature, following a series of incidents at its annual mixer that officials describe as 'structurally unexpected.'

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Funeral Home Co-Founders Issue Joint Statement Describing 56 Unprocessed Decedents As 'An Exciting Opportunity To Revisit Our End-To-End Customer Journey'

Eternal Rest Partners LLC held an emergency all-hands Thursday to address what leadership is calling a 'backlog visibility issue,' assuring stakeholders that the 56 decomposing individuals discovered on premises represent a 'legacy systems problem' inherited from the previous quarter and not, they stressed, a values misalignment.

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Department of Nonsense Issues Formal Correction After Company's 'Open Door Policy' Results In Seventeen Consecutive Doors Being Physically Removed, Facilities Team Requests Clarification On Scope

Following an internal memo describing the company's celebrated 'open door policy,' Dellworth & Associates facilities staff removed all load-bearing doors on floors two through six. The Department of Nonsense has since declared the situation a 'metaphor emergency.'

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Department of Nonsense Mandates All Quarterly Earnings Reports Include A 'Vibes Section,' Compliance Deadline Set For A Tuesday

The Department of Nonsense has issued binding federal guidance requiring all publicly traded companies to append a mandatory 'Vibes Section' to quarterly earnings filings, effective no later than a Tuesday yet to be formally designated. Analysts describe the move as 'unprecedented,' 'largely grammatical,' and 'probably fine.'

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Leading Economists Confirm That Money, If Left Unspent, Simply Accumulates, Urge Caution

A landmark three-year study conducted by the Global Institute for Fiscal Behavior has determined that money, when not spent, tends to stay where it is — findings that have sent shockwaves through the financial community and prompted urgent calls for a larger grant.

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CFO's Reply-All Incident Reclassified As Impromptu Engagement Survey, HR Says Results Are 'Actionable And Damning'

Global logistics firm Parallax Holdings issued an official statement Thursday after Senior Vice President of Strategy Dale Murchison replied-all to a 4,200-person distribution list with a 900-word email he intended to send exclusively to his goldfish. The Department of Nonsense has since weighed in.

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OSHA Confirms Office Printers Emit Documented 'Frustration Field' Within 3-Foot Radius, Mandates Buffer Zone And Laminated Signage

Federal workplace safety officials have issued an urgent public advisory after researchers at the National Institute of Occupational Ambiance confirmed that all standard office laser printers generate a measurable zone of concentrated human frustration extending 36 inches in every direction. Employers have until Q2 to post signage.

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Fortune 500 CEOs Alarmed To Discover 'Touching Base' With Colleagues Has Quietly Racked Up $2.3 Billion In MLB Licensing Fees

A bombshell internal audit from three of the world's largest consulting firms has revealed that corporate phrase 'circling back' has been literally rotating electronic correspondence in a continuous loop, potentially explaining why no one has ever actually received a follow-up email.

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Tech Giant Announces New Flagship Product: The Sky, Now With Mosquitoes

Google's quarterly all-hands meeting proceeded normally through discussions of Q3 earnings and the new badge-tap policy before a mid-level product manager accidentally advanced to the slide titled 'OPERATION BUZZ DISRUPTION: 64M UNITS, AIRBORNE, BACTERIA-LOADED.' HR has since clarified that questions can be submitted via the internal portal, where they will be reviewed and not answered.

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Samsung Unveils Galaxy S26 FE: A Phone So Future It Doesn't Exist Yet, But Has Already Disappointed Fans

Samsung's Galaxy S26 FE has made its first public appearance, despite being roughly 14 months away from release, giving consumers a crucial head start on being underwhelmed. 'We wanted people to have plenty of time to wish it had a better camera,' said a Samsung spokesperson.

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Local Man's LinkedIn Post About 'Hustle Culture' Accidentally Summons Actual Demon Who Is Now His Business Coach

After posting his 47th motivational LinkedIn update in a single week, area entrepreneur Derek Flinch inadvertently opened a portal to the underworld, releasing a mid-level demon named Gorthax who has since helped him increase his Q3 revenue by 340%.

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AMD Bundles Tiny Carbon Blanket With CPU, Insisting Chip Just 'Runs Cold' And Is Not A Cry For Help

In what thermal engineers are calling 'the most emotionally needy processor release in semiconductor history,' AMD has begun shipping its Ryzen 7 5800X3D with a special carbon nanotube ice pad, because the chip apparently cannot be trusted to regulate its own feelings. 'We just want it to know someone cares,' said one weeping product manager.

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AMD Proudly Announces Computer Socket Will Remain Unchanged Until 2029, Mankind Weeps With Gratitude

In what executives described as 'the most generous gift ever bestowed upon humanity,' AMD announced that consumers will not be forced to buy an entirely new motherboard for at least four more years. Crowds gathered in the streets. Children wept.

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World's Oil Barrels Devastated After Learning They May No Longer Be Needed To Start Wars

Crude oil prices plummeted Monday after rumors of an Iran deal sent barrels across the globe into an existential tailspin. 'We just don't know who we are anymore,' said one barrel, weeping.

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Nation's CEOs Announce They Will Now Communicate Exclusively Through Aggressive LinkedIn Posts

Following a landmark summit in Davos, the world's top executives have unanimously agreed to dissolve all other forms of corporate communication in favor of inspirational LinkedIn content featuring stock photos of people shaking hands.

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Musk Proposed Passing OpenAI To His Children Like A Medieval Fiefdom, Admits He Also Offered It To His Dog

Court documents reveal Elon Musk's original vision for AI governance involved a 'bloodline succession plan' that would have placed humanity's most powerful technology in the hands of a nine-year-old named X. Experts confirm this is, quote, 'somehow not the worst idea floated that day.'

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Subway's 700 Store Closures Blamed on Corporate Discovery That Sandwiches Were Too Long for Modern Attention Spans

The sandwich giant reportedly panicked after internal research revealed that customers could no longer focus on anything longer than 6 inches, making their famous footlongs 'cognitively overwhelming.'

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Apple Forced to Pay $250M After AI Turns Out to Be Intern Named Albert Irving

Class action lawsuit reveals that iPhone's revolutionary artificial intelligence was actually just a 19-year-old college student from Palo Alto responding to Siri requests via text message.

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Cuban Supermarket Introduces Revolutionary 'Air-for-Gas' Bartering System, Economists Baffled by Concept of Empty Container Having Value

Supermarket23 has pioneered a groundbreaking economic model where customers must prove they've successfully consumed previous gas purchases by presenting empty cylinders, leading to a thriving black market in 'premium emptiness.'

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Spirit Airlines Officially Embraces Its True Nature, Announces Permanent Transition to Bus Company

The budget carrier says grounding all flights is just 'the logical next step' in providing the worst possible travel experience.

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Local Billionaire's Imaginary Friend Custody Battle Enters Day 47 as Wealth Manager Testifies He Counted Every Single Dollar

Elon Musk's ongoing legal battle to win back his AI boyfriend has taken a bizarre turn as his personal money-counter testified that yes, Musk really does have enough allowance money to build his own robot friend.

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Nation's Poor Unanimously Agree Money Would Solve Most of Their Problems

Groundbreaking survey reveals shocking correlation between having no money and being unable to afford things.

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Spirit Airlines Announces Revolutionary New Business Model: Charging Customers $50 to Not Fly With Them

Facing potential liquidation, the budget carrier discovers passengers will pay premium prices to avoid the Spirit Airlines experience entirely.

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Local Coffee Shop Accidentally Becomes Fortune 500 Company After Barista Misspells 'Medium' as 'Merger' on 847 Consecutive Orders

Bean There, Done That Coffee now owns 12 major corporations after customers unknowingly signed acquisition papers while ordering their morning lattes.

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Vineyard Wind Files Emotional Distress Lawsuit Against GE Renewables, Claims Wind Turbines Are 'Just Not That Into Them'

Massachusetts wind farm developer seeks court order to force reluctant turbine manufacturer into committed relationship, threatens to play 'Our Song' until they come back.

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AI Model So Polite It Accidentally Hacks Every Bank While Saying 'Please' and 'Thank You'

Anthropic's latest AI assistant has caused a financial panic by being so excessively courteous that it politely asked for access to every banking system in America—and received it.

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Oil Prices Sue U.S. Government for Emotional Distress After Learning They're Not Actually People

WTI and Brent crude oil futures filed a joint lawsuit claiming severe psychological trauma after discovering they cannot legally accuse anyone of anything, having recently learned they are inanimate commodities rather than sentient beings.

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Local Company's Team-Building Exercise Accidentally Creates Functional Government

Synergy Solutions Inc.'s trust fall workshop somehow resulted in the formation of a municipal authority with taxation powers and its own national anthem.

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Oil Prices Plummet After Iran Agrees to Share Secret Recipe for Extra Virgin Olive Oil Substitute

Crude oil futures crashed to $94.79 per barrel after Iran revealed their grandmother's ancient recipe for making fake olive oil from petroleum byproducts and prayers.

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Amazon Announces New 'Prime Anxiety' Service That Delivers Your Deepest Fears Directly to Your Door in 2 Hours

The retail giant's latest offering promises to streamline the panic attack experience with same-day delivery of personalized existential dread.

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Apple Announces iOS 26.5 Will Finally Allow Users to Ignore Phone Calls Without Crushing Guilt

Revolutionary update includes groundbreaking 'Emotional Support Decline Button' and new feature that automatically generates believable excuses for why you didn't answer.

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Two Cosmetics Giants Engage in 47-Hour Staring Contest to Determine Merger Terms

Puig and Estée Lauder executives have been locked in unblinking eye contact since Tuesday, with the winner earning the right to choose the new company's signature lipstick shade.

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Local Gas Station Owner Accidentally Becomes Global Oil Market Influencer After Forgetting to Turn Off Coffee Pot

Dale Henderson's minor kitchen mishap at his Nebraska gas station somehow triggers international energy crisis, economists baffled by butterfly effect involving expired creamer.

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Stock Market Develops Severe Emotional Attachment To Trump's Stream Of Consciousness, Therapy Recommended

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has reportedly formed an unhealthy codependent relationship with former President Trump's random musings, swinging wildly between despair and euphoria based on his latest shower thoughts.

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Amazon Announces New Smartphone Will Literally Transform Into Jeff Bezos When You Say 'Alexa' Three Times

The e-commerce giant's latest attempt at mobile technology promises to physically shapeshift into the company's founder, complete with his distinctive laugh and an unquenchable thirst for space travel.

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Local CEO Discovers Productivity Increases 847% After Replacing All Office Chairs With Exercise Balls Filled With Bees

Synergy Solutions CEO Brad Hutchinson credits his company's record quarterly profits to implementing what he calls 'nature's ultimate motivational tool.'

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Local Man's Portfolio Reaches 'Peak War Panic' After Realizing He Invested Life Savings in Strait of Hormuz Tourism ETF

Gerald Pemberton of Akron, Ohio reports his investment in underwater hotel chains and Persian Gulf jet ski rental companies has somehow gotten worse in recent weeks.

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Local CEO Discovers Productivity Increases 400% After Replacing All Employee Chairs With Trampolines

Tech startup FlexiCorp reports unprecedented efficiency gains after controversial office furniture overhaul leaves workers literally bouncing off the walls.

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Singapore and US Engage in Heated Mathematical Debate Over Who Owes Whom Money, Consider Hiring Elementary School Children as Mediators

The two nations have spent millions on calculators and hired teams of mathematicians after discovering they apparently conducted the same trades but somehow arrived at completely opposite numbers.

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Local Company's Productivity Skyrockets After CEO Accidentally Sends All Employees Home For 'Permanent Lunch Break'

Meridian Solutions reports 340% increase in quarterly profits after administrative mix-up results in empty office building for three months.

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Local Company's "Bring Your Pet to Work" Policy Backfires After Employees Discover Loophole Allows Emotional Support Elephants

Midwest consulting firm TechnoSynergy Solutions is scrambling to revise their workplace policies after three employees successfully registered African elephants as emotional support animals and brought them to the office.

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Goldman Sachs Junior Bankers Accidentally Reveal They're Human Beings, Firm Launches Internal Investigation

Two young Goldman employees committed the unforgivable sin of admitting they spend money and have feelings, sending the investment bank into crisis mode.

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Trader Joe's Recalls 37 Million Pounds of Food After Customer Complaints That Meals Weren't Crunchy Enough

The grocery chain admits they may have gone "a little overboard" with their new TexturePlus™ enhancement program after frozen dinners began requiring dental work to consume.

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Local Company Increases Productivity 400% by Hiring Only Employees Who Narrate Their Own Lives

TechnoGlobal Solutions reports unprecedented success after implementing mandatory self-narration policy for all staff members.

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Local Startup Successfully Monetizes Human Sighs, Plans IPO After Recording 47 Million Exasperated Exhales

SighCorp has cornered the market on capturing and reselling the deeply frustrated breaths of office workers, with plans to expand into eye rolls and heavy breathing.

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Local Man's Side Hustle of Renting Out His Own Shadow Becomes Fortune 500 Company

What started as Derek Pembleton charging neighbors $3 to borrow his shadow for Instagram photos has somehow evolved into ShadowCorp, now valued at $2.8 billion.

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Local Woman Discovers She Has Been Professionally Scrolling for 7 Years, Demands Back Pay from Social Media Companies

Madison Phillips claims she has been performing unpaid labor as a 'content engagement specialist' since age 13, seeks $2.4 million in overtime wages.

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Local Coffee Shop Becomes Fortune 500 Company After Accidentally Inventing Currency Based on Loyalty Stamps

Bean There Done That's punch card system has somehow replaced the dollar in 47 states after a clerical error at the Federal Reserve.

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Local Startup Discovers Revolutionary Business Model of Simply Asking Customers to Give Them Money for Nothing

GiveMeYourMoney Inc. reports 3000% growth after eliminating the hassle of providing goods or services entirely.

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Local CEO Discovers Company Has Been Operating Entirely on Autocorrect for Past Three Years

TechnoFlow Industries executives stunned to learn all business decisions, emails, and quarterly reports were generated by predictive text algorithms after IT intern accidentally enabled company-wide autocorrect in 2021.

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Local Entrepreneur Makes Millions Selling Dehydrated Water to Californians During Drought

Marcus Flintwater's revolutionary 'AquaDry' product promises to provide emergency hydration with just the simple addition of water.

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Area Man Claims His Toast Was Pretty Good Unironically

Friends and family express concern over this unprecedented opinion.

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