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Business

Fresh business absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.

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Eleven-Quarter Longitudinal Business Study Establishes That Companies Selling More Products Than They Buy Them For Tend To Have More Money Afterward, Margin Research Division Calls Profit Mechanism 'Directional, Repeatable, And Widely Misunderstood At The Executive Level'

Eleven-Quarter Longitudinal Business Study Establishes That Companies Selling More Products Than They Buy Them For Tend To Have More Money Afterward, Margin Research Division Calls Profit Mechanism 'Directional, Repeatable, And Widely Misunderstood At The Executive Level'

Vanthorpe Global Industries held a 94-minute emergency investor call Wednesday to formally announce that $2.3 billion in quarterly revenue had successfully become money the company possesses, ending weeks of speculation about whether the funds would remain theoretical.

Business•3 min read
Multinational Workforce Study Determines That Workers Paid On Friday Received Money On Friday, Compensation Analysts Note Day Of Payment Was 'Congruent With The Pay Date And Not A Separate Day'

Multinational Workforce Study Determines That Workers Paid On Friday Received Money On Friday, Compensation Analysts Note Day Of Payment Was 'Congruent With The Pay Date And Not A Separate Day'

A seventeen-month investigation by the Global Human Resources Integrity Consortium has concluded that employees hired by companies did, in fact, subsequently show up to those companies, a finding experts are calling 'among the most consequential confirmations of employment mechanics in recent memory.'

Business•3 min read
Breaking: Regional Logistics Firm All-Hands Meeting Suspended After CEO's Opening Slide Reads 'We Are All In This Together' And Closing Slide Reads 'Some Of You Will Not Be Here Next Quarter,' Communications Director Confirms Both Slides Were 'Intentional And Also Part Of The Same Deck'

Breaking: Regional Logistics Firm All-Hands Meeting Suspended After CEO's Opening Slide Reads 'We Are All In This Together' And Closing Slide Reads 'Some Of You Will Not Be Here Next Quarter,' Communications Director Confirms Both Slides Were 'Intentional And Also Part Of The Same Deck'

A routine all-hands meeting at MidWest Parcel Group descended into procedural chaos Tuesday after employees noticed the CEO's slide deck appeared to contradict itself across a span of roughly forty seconds. Officials have since confirmed the slides were real, sequential, and 'best understood as a set.'

Business•3 min read
Global Snack Holdings All-Hands Meeting Derailed After CFO Confirms Quarter Was 'Financially Q2 In Nature,' Slide Deck Subsequently Describes Itself As 'A Series Of Slides In Deck Formation'

Global Snack Holdings All-Hands Meeting Derailed After CFO Confirms Quarter Was 'Financially Q2 In Nature,' Slide Deck Subsequently Describes Itself As 'A Series Of Slides In Deck Formation'

Global Snack Holdings' eagerly anticipated all-hands meeting descended into what one senior director called 'a communications event of unclear communicative value' after the CFO spent forty-seven minutes confirming that the second quarter had, in fact, occurred. The Department of Nonsense has since issued a formal statement praising the meeting as 'a strong proof of concept for meetings.'

Business•3 min read
All-Hands Memo Confirms Employee Assistance Program Is 'Available To All Employees Who Are Able To Navigate The Employee Assistance Program', Benefits Team Calls Rollout 'Largely Self-Selecting'

All-Hands Memo Confirms Employee Assistance Program Is 'Available To All Employees Who Are Able To Navigate The Employee Assistance Program', Benefits Team Calls Rollout 'Largely Self-Selecting'

A regional logistics company is under scrutiny after an all-hands meeting revealed its employee wellness infrastructure successfully documented a worker's distress across four platforms, two hotlines, and one laminated poster — none of which were authorized to act on the information.

Business•3 min read
Funeral Home Co-Founders Issue Joint Statement Describing 56 Unprocessed Decedents As 'An Exciting Opportunity To Revisit Our End-To-End Customer Journey'

Funeral Home Co-Founders Issue Joint Statement Describing 56 Unprocessed Decedents As 'An Exciting Opportunity To Revisit Our End-To-End Customer Journey'

Eternal Rest Partners LLC held an emergency all-hands Thursday to address what leadership is calling a 'backlog visibility issue,' assuring stakeholders that the 56 decomposing individuals discovered on premises represent a 'legacy systems problem' inherited from the previous quarter and not, they stressed, a values misalignment.

Business•3 min read