DeDoDoDo

News that makes absolutely no sense, because real news is overrated

Featured Articles

Public Safety Alert: Town's One Revolving Door Has Entered A Phase Of Slightly Faster Rotation, Emergency Management Office Urges Residents To 'Pre-Spin Mentally' Before Approaching

Crestwood Township's Emergency Management Office has elevated its revolving door advisory to a Level Two Public Inconvenience after the door at the Pelham Street Municipal Annex was clocked rotating at what officials describe as 'a pace that does not leave adequate time for bag adjustment.' Residents are urged to remain calm, rotate their bodies slightly in advance, and avoid bringing unwieldy tote bags until further notice.

Opinion•3 min read

Peer-Reviewed Study Confirms Soup Cools Down When Left Out, Research Team Cautions Against 'Premature Conclusions' About Soup Temperature Trajectory

A 14-month longitudinal study published in the Journal of Applied Thermal Gastronomy has confirmed that soup, when removed from a heat source and placed on a countertop, does in fact become cooler. Experts are urging the public not to panic.

Opinion•3 min read

All-Hands Memo Confirms Employee Assistance Program Is 'Available To All Employees Who Are Able To Navigate The Employee Assistance Program', Benefits Team Calls Rollout 'Largely Self-Selecting'

A regional logistics company is under scrutiny after an all-hands meeting revealed its employee wellness infrastructure successfully documented a worker's distress across four platforms, two hotlines, and one laminated poster — none of which were authorized to act on the information.

Business•3 min read

Breaking Fake News

Breaking: Jelly Roll Clarifies That He Has Political Views, Notes Views Were Present Throughout Grammy Ceremony And Did Not Form Afterward

In a formal clarification issued via late-night television, recording artist and emerging political spokesperson Jelly Roll confirmed that he does, in fact, hold political beliefs, adding that said beliefs had been available for comment at the Grammys but were not surfaced due to what internal sources describe as 'a failure to surface them.'

Entertainment•3 min read

NHL Salary Disbursement Authority Issues Clarifying Memo Confirming That $163.2 Million Is, In Fact, More Money Than Previous Amounts, Asks Stakeholders To Sit With That

The National Hockey League Office of Player Compensation Verification and Historical Contextualization has issued a formal seven-page memorandum confirming that $163.2 million is more than all prior dollar amounts paid to hockey players, and has asked all relevant parties to acknowledge this finding in writing by end of quarter.

World•3 min read

Landmark Study Determines Politicians Who Have Stopped Talking Are Not Currently Talking, Coalition Calls Findings 'Politically Sensitive But Geometrically Sound'

A federally funded research consortium has released a 614-page report confirming that senators who are seated in chairs are, at that time, sitting, prompting a public safety advisory urging Americans to process the information 'at a pace that feels manageable.'

Politics•3 min read