News that makes absolutely no sense, because real news is overrated
A landmark federal study has determined that proximity to catering stations during legislative receptions reduces a senator's policy retention by nearly half, prompting the Surgeon General to issue an unprecedented seating chart advisory for all official government functions.
After months of investigation, officials in Harwick Township have confirmed that the town's geese are, in fact, responsible for Tuesday — and possibly a portion of Wednesday. Experts are urging residents to remain calm and avoid direct eye contact with the birds until a solution can be workshopped.
The United Nations has issued a formal apology after Secretary-General António Guterres's 94-slide farewell presentation — including a personal section titled 'Things I Cannot Legally Say Until I Am No Longer Employed Here' — was distributed to all member states via a misdirected calendar invite marked 'DO NOT FORWARD (This Means You, France).'
A landmark three-year study conducted by the Global Institute for Fiscal Behavior has determined that money, when not spent, tends to stay where it is — findings that have sent shockwaves through the financial community and prompted urgent calls for a larger grant.
An international consortium of solar researchers has formally notified the Sun that it has been rising in the east for billions of years, constituting what experts are calling 'a systemic directional error of staggering scope.' The Sun has not yet responded to requests for comment.
The Global Facial Expression Monitoring Body has declared a Level 3 Eyebrow Event following footage of Denmark's Prime Minister raising both eyebrows simultaneously during a press conference on grain subsidies, a maneuver classified under the Geneva Addendum on Nonverbal Escalation as 'provocative and load-bearing.'