Apple Forced to Pay $250M After AI Turns Out to Be Intern Named Albert Irving

CUPERTINO, CA — In a shocking settlement announced Tuesday, Apple agreed to pay $250 million after a federal investigation revealed that the company's much-touted artificial intelligence technology was actually Albert Irving, a Stanford sophomore who has been manually responding to iPhone users' questions from his dorm room since 2018.

The revelation came to light when iPhone user Margaret Henderson of Toledo, Ohio, asked Siri for directions to the nearest Wendy's and received the response "idk lol maybe try Google Maps or whatever."

"I knew something was fishy when I asked my phone to set a timer and it replied 'ugh fine but can you ask me again in like 10 minutes? I'm watching TikToks,'" said plaintiff James Rodriguez, who will receive the maximum settlement of $95.

According to court documents, Irving has been working around the clock to answer billions of Siri requests, surviving primarily on energy drinks and his meal plan. The defendant reportedly broke down during depositions, admitting he "just made up" most weather forecasts and that he's "really bad at math so sorry about all those calculator errors."

"We tried to hire more Alberts, but it turns out most college students aren't willing to pretend to be a robot 24/7 for $12 an hour," said Apple CEO Tim Cook in a prepared statement. "We're now pivoting to actual artificial intelligence, or possibly just a Magic 8-Ball app."

Irving, who will reportedly use his settlement money to switch majors from Computer Science to Art History, was unavailable for comment as he was busy explaining to someone's iPhone why he doesn't actually know what sound a giraffe makes.