Artemis II Astronauts Embarrassingly Discover Moon Has Been Following Them This Entire Time

HOUSTON — Artemis II mission astronauts reported feeling "extremely uncomfortable" and "kind of creeped out" after discovering that the Moon has apparently been following their spacecraft since launch, sources from Mission Control confirmed Tuesday.

"At first we thought it was just a coincidence," said Commander Reid Wiseman during a live transmission. "But every time we look out the window, there it is — this giant, crater-faced rock just lurking there in space. We've tried changing direction multiple times, but it keeps showing up."

Mission Specialist Christina Hammock Koch added that the crew initially attempted to lose the Moon by hiding behind Earth, but the persistent satellite "waited us out" for several hours before resuming what NASA officials are now calling "aggressive celestial shadowing."

"The dark side of the Moon is particularly unsettling," noted Pilot Victor Glover. "We can't see what it's doing back there. For all we know, it could be making faces at us or taking creepy photos to share with the other moons in the solar system."

NASA Administrator Bill Nelson held an emergency press conference to address growing concerns, explaining that the Moon's behavior, while "definitely weird and boundary-crossing," is technically within the legal parameters of orbital mechanics.

"We've contacted Space Force about filing a restraining order," Nelson announced, "but apparently you can't serve legal papers to an astronomical body that's been around for 4.5 billion years."

The crew plans to complete their six-hour flyby as scheduled, though they've requested that Houston "keep the porch light on" until they return safely to Earth's protective atmosphere.