Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni Agree to Settle Dispute by Having Their Hair Fight It Out in Thunderdome
LOS ANGELES — In a stunning turn of events that has left Hollywood lawyers scrambling to update their contracts, Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni announced Tuesday that they will settle their contentious lawsuit through an ancient ritual known as "follicular combat."
The dispute, which began when Lively accused Baldoni of running a smear campaign after she complained of harassment during filming of "It Ends With Us," will now be resolved by having their respective manes battle to the death in a specially constructed hair arena.
"After careful consideration, we realized that our lawyers were making more money than our hair stylists, which is fundamentally wrong," Lively explained at a press conference while her golden tresses were being fitted with tiny medieval armor. "Justin and I may have our differences, but we both agree that our hair is far more qualified to handle conflict resolution than we are."
Baldoni's representatives confirmed that his beard would serve as backup in case his head hair suffered early defeat. "Justin's facial hair has been training with a former Navy SEAL who specializes in whisker warfare," said his publicist, speaking on condition of anonymity because she was not authorized to discuss military-grade grooming techniques.
The Thunderdome-style arena, constructed entirely from recycling hair salon equipment and abandoned movie sets, will be located in a neutral zone between their respective salons in Beverly Hills. Professional hair critics from Vogue and GQ will serve as judges, with the winner determined by a combination of volume, shine, and ability to maintain bounce while grappling.
"This is really the only fair way to settle Hollywood disputes," said entertainment lawyer Cheryl Ringlets, who specializes in follicle-based litigation. "Hair doesn't lie, hair doesn't leak to the press, and hair certainly doesn't write passive-aggressive Instagram captions at 3 AM."
The battle is scheduled for next Thursday at high noon, with the loser's hair required to wear a public shame wig for six months. Both parties have agreed that regardless of the outcome, they will split the Pay-Per-View profits equally between their favorite hair charities.