Congress Agrees To Resolve All Future Budget Disputes Through Competitive Hot Dog Eating Contest

WASHINGTON D.C. — In what political analysts are already calling 'the single greatest legislative achievement since the invention of the filibuster nap,' both chambers of Congress passed the Bipartisan Intestinal Resolution Act on Tuesday, legally mandating that all future budget impasses, spending disputes, and fiscal cliff negotiations be resolved through competitive hot dog eating contests held on the steps of the Capitol Building.

The bill, which passed 435-0 in the House and 100-0 in the Senate, marks the first unanimous vote in Congressional history since 1789, when legislators unanimously agreed that the building needed more windows.

'Look, we've tried compromise. We've tried negotiation. We've tried eighteen-hour procedural votes that accomplish absolutely nothing,' said Senate Majority Leader Patricia Hollins, adjusting a mustard-stained tie she had apparently been wearing since the bill's first reading. 'Hot dogs are the only language both parties truly understand.'

The legislation outlines a detailed framework for competition, including a mandatory pre-contest 'trash talk period' not to exceed forty-five minutes, official Nathan's Famous frankfurters as the designated bipartisan sausage, and a rotating panel of judges that must include at least one retired competitive eater, one economist, and one person who simply 'looks like they know what they're doing.'

Political science professor Dr. Raymond Fitch of Georgetown University called the development 'not entirely surprising' given the trajectory of modern governance.

'When you think about it, the hot dog eating contest is actually a more transparent metric of leadership capability than most of what currently happens in that building,' said Dr. Fitch, who was reached for comment while eating a hot dog. 'At least with this, we can clearly see who wins.'

Republican Congressman Dale Sturmer of Ohio, who reportedly consumed thirty-two hot dogs during the bill's celebratory signing lunch, expressed enthusiasm about the new system. 'My constituents sent me here to fight for them, and I intend to fight for them with my esophagus,' Sturmer told reporters before being briefly escorted away by Capitol medics.

Not everyone is celebrating the historic agreement. Government watchdog organization Citizens for Sensible Governance issued a strongly worded statement calling the bill 'an embarrassing abdication of democratic responsibility,' though the statement was largely ignored after it emerged that the organization's director had voluntarily entered the next qualifying round.

The first official competition is scheduled to coincide with debt ceiling negotiations in March, with ESPN acquiring exclusive broadcast rights for a reported $4.7 billion — which, legislators noted with some irony, is exactly the amount currently in dispute.

President Gary Walcott signed the bill into law on Wednesday morning, calling it 'a beautiful day for America' before adding that he had been training 'very seriously' for the past three weeks and was 'not worried about anyone in that building.'

At press time, C-SPAN had reported its highest ratings in network history following announcement of the new legislation, with producers already greenlit for a twelve-episode companion series titled 'So You Think You Can Govern.'