Dolphins Running Back De'Von Achane Signs Extension After Team Agrees He Is, In Fact, The Third Best Running Back And Not The Fourth

MIAMI — In what league insiders are calling 'the most statistically pedantic contract negotiation in NFL history,' the Miami Dolphins and running back De'Von Achane agreed to a four-year extension Tuesday after both sides spent approximately six weeks arguing not about money, but about where exactly Achane falls on an unofficial list that nobody officially maintains.

'Look, we were close on the dollars the whole time,' said Dolphins general manager Chris Grier, visibly exhausted. 'The real sticking point was whether De'Von was the third-best running back or the fourth. He was very firm about third. Very, very firm.'

Achane, 23, reportedly arrived to every negotiation session with a laminated ranking sheet, a laser pointer, and what one team official described as 'an alarming number of highlighters.'

'Third,' Achane told reporters at a press conference, before anyone had asked him a question. 'Third. Write it down. Get it tattooed somewhere. Third.'

The deal's financial terms have been complicated by the fact that multiple reports cite different annual per-year values, leading to a secondary crisis in which NFL analysts spent 48 hours arguing about a number that also, technically, nobody can confirm.

'We're not sure how much he's making,' admitted one ESPN reporter, staring blankly into the middle distance. 'We're not sure anyone is sure. The Dolphins sent us a press release that just said 'A LOT' in 72-point font.'

Achane, for his part, seemed unbothered by the financial confusion, reiterating only that the contract 'accurately reflects his status as the third-best running back,' and that he would be 'monitoring the situation closely' in case either of the two running backs currently ranked above him 'slips up.'

The Dolphins' offensive backfield released a joint statement saying they were 'thrilled' for Achane and 'totally fine' with however he chooses to celebrate, 'as long as he stops rearranging the depth chart magnets on the whiteboard every morning.'

At press time, Achane had reportedly begun lobbying for the No. 2 spot, presenting a forty-slide PowerPoint to anyone in the facility who made eye contact with him.