French Municipal Elections Declared Complete Success by Every Single Candidate, Including Those Who Didn't Run

PARIS — Following France's municipal elections, political analysts are baffled by the remarkable phenomenon that has seen every single person in the country declare themselves the winner, including candidates who lost by landslides, people who didn't run, and at least three houseplants.

"This is truly a victory for democracy," proclaimed losing mayoral candidate Henri Dubois, who received only 12 votes in a town of 15,000. "The fact that I lost so spectacularly clearly demonstrates how much the people love me. It's reverse psychology politics."

The confusion deepened when Marie Rousseau, a florist who has never shown political interest, held a victory celebration claiming she had won the mayoral race in a city she's never visited. "I feel it in my heart," Rousseau explained while wearing a hastily-made sash reading 'Mayor of Somewhere.'

Political scientist Dr. Jean-Luc Moreau noted that even the traditional losers are claiming victory with increasingly creative interpretations. "One candidate who came in dead last is arguing that finishing at the bottom means he's the foundation upon which French democracy stands," Moreau said, visibly exhausted. "Another insists that getting zero votes proves she's too pure for this corrupt world."

The situation reached peak absurdity when Napoleon Bonaparte's official Twitter account, apparently managed by historical reenactors, declared his posthumous victory in all French municipalities, citing his "eternal mandate from the people."

At press time, French election officials had given up trying to determine actual winners and were considering just letting everyone be mayor simultaneously.