Georgia Wildfires Politely Ask Homeowners to Evacuate Before Destroying Property, Receive Thank You Cards in Return

ATLANTA — Fire officials are reporting an unusually courteous wildfire season in Georgia, where flames have been observed knocking on doors, tipping their metaphorical hats, and asking residents if it would be terribly inconvenient to evacuate before the scheduled home destruction.

"Ma'am, I do apologize for the short notice, but we'll be incinerating your lovely ranch-style home around 3 PM today," witnesses report hearing from a particularly well-mannered blaze near Valdosta. "Might I suggest packing your photo albums and that nice china set?"

Local resident Martha Henderson, 67, was so moved by the fire's consideration that she baked a peach cobbler for the evacuation center. "That fire was just so polite about burning down everything I own," Henderson said while fanning smoke away from her face with a handwritten thank you note. "It even promised to leave my garden gnomes intact, though I told it not to trouble itself."

The Georgia Department of Natural Resources has issued a statement thanking the wildfires for their "unprecedented professionalism" and noting that air quality will remain "aggressively Southern" through Thursday, with a thick blanket of smoke that "says please and thank you" while choking residents.

"We've never seen fires this considerate," said Fire Chief Bobby Ray Thompson. "Usually they just barge in and start burning willy-nilly. These fires are setting a new standard for destructive natural disaster etiquette."

The wildfires have reportedly left small apology notes at each destroyed property, along with recommendations for good insurance adjusters and casserole recipes for starting over.