Goldman Sachs Junior Bankers Accidentally Reveal They're Human Beings, Firm Launches Internal Investigation

NEW YORK — Goldman Sachs Group Inc. is reportedly conducting a company-wide manhunt after two junior bankers were photographed smiling in a magazine, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The catastrophic breach of protocol occurred when the employees, identified only as "Chad" and "Madison," participated in a glossy photo shoot where they committed numerous violations of Goldman's unwritten code, including maintaining eye contact with the camera, discussing their personal lives, and worst of all, appearing to experience joy.

"This is a dark day for our institution," said Managing Director Harold Grimsworth III, speaking from his granite office bunker. "For over 150 years, Goldman Sachs employees have maintained the emotional range of a particularly stern filing cabinet. These two have set us back decades."

The magazine article, which featured the pair discussing mundane topics like "where they buy groceries" and "what they do for fun," has reportedly caused several senior partners to require medical attention after learning their employees possess human-like characteristics.

"I thought Chad was just a very sophisticated algorithm that converted coffee into Excel spreadsheets," said one shocked supervisor. "Finding out he has opinions about restaurants has shaken me to my core."

The firm has reportedly implemented emergency protocols, including mandatory personality suppression training and a new company policy requiring all employees to communicate exclusively through Bloomberg terminal messages.

At press time, Goldman Sachs was considering relocating both bankers to their Siberian satellite office until they can properly demonstrate the vacant, soulless stare expected of all financial professionals.