Hollywood Confirms All Nicolas Cage Films Are Actually One Single Continuous Movie That Has Been Playing Since 1987

LOS ANGELES — In a bombshell announcement that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association confirmed Tuesday that every film ever made by Nicolas Cage is, in fact, a single continuous movie that began filming in 1987 and has never stopped.

The discovery came after film archivist Brenda Tollworth noticed that if you watch every Cage film back-to-back at slightly different speeds while eating a specific brand of gas station nachos, the movies form one seamless, six-thousand-hour narrative about a man who is always inexplicably running toward something.

'We were stunned,' said Dr. Philip Murchison, Professor of Cage Studies at the University of Southern California and author of the landmark textbook 'Bees: The Nicolas Cage Phenomenon.' 'The continuity errors we thought we were seeing were actually intentional plot threads. The wicker man IS the national treasure. We just weren't ready to understand that yet.'

Cage himself could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly in the middle of filming what his publicist described as 'either a new movie or just Tuesday.'

The revelation has forced major streaming platforms into crisis mode. Netflix announced it will replace all individual Cage titles with a single tile simply labeled 'IT,' while Hulu has begun displaying a small counter in the corner of the screen showing how many consecutive hours of the mega-film a user has watched.

'We thought we had eleven Nicolas Cage movies in our library,' said a visibly shaken Disney+ spokesperson. 'Turns out we just have one-eleventh of a Nicolas Cage movie. We're not even sure we're legally allowed to stop it.'

Longtime Cage enthusiast and competitive hot dog eater Gary Brimstone of Tulsa, Oklahoma, claims he sensed the truth years ago.

'I always felt it, deep in my soul,' said Brimstone, who has a tattoo of Cage's face from 'Vampire's Kiss' on his left shoulder blade and refers to it as his 'spirit animal.' 'When he screamed about the bees, that wasn't acting. That was a man mid-sentence. He was in the middle of a thought that started in 'Raising Arizona' and won't finish until probably around 2031 in what I believe will be a film called 'Ghost Rider 4: Just Absolutely Going For It.'

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced it will retroactively merge all of Cage's previous Oscar considerations into one nomination for Best Ongoing Performance By A Man Who Appears To Be Genuinely Surprised By Everything Including Gravity.

Film critic and noted cinema enthusiast Margaret Cho-Pemberton of the Beverage Hills Gazette called the discovery 'the most important cinematic revelation since we realized Adam Sandler movies are actually a cry for help from a man trapped in an extremely profitable loop.'

'What we are witnessing,' she wrote in her eleven-thousand-word review of the phenomenon, 'is not a filmography. It is a lifestyle. It is a religion. It is a man running — always running — through every genre simultaneously, fueled entirely by commitment, raw charisma, and what we can only assume is an absolutely heroic amount of coffee.'

At press time, a new Nicolas Cage film had already been announced, titled 'The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent 2: He Was Already Here,' with a runtime listed simply as 'Ongoing.'