Hollywood Confirms All Nicolas Cage Movies Are Actually One Continuous Film That Has Been Playing Since 1987

LOS ANGELES — In a stunning press conference held inside a warehouse filled entirely with his own hair, actor Nicolas Cage and representatives from every major Hollywood studio confirmed Monday what film theorists have suspected for decades: every Nicolas Cage movie is, in fact, one single unbroken film that began rolling in 1987 and has absolutely no plans to stop.

"We probably should have said something sooner," admitted Paramount executive David Hollis, visibly exhausted. "But honestly, we didn't know how to explain that 'Raising Arizona,' 'Face/Off,' 'Ghost Rider,' 'Pig,' and 'The Wicker Man' are all just act four. We're currently somewhere in act eleven. We genuinely don't know what act we're on."

The revelation has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, with film critics scrambling to re-contextualize their previous reviews. Celebrated film scholar Dr. Patricia Renshaw of UCLA called it "the most ambitious narrative structure in the history of human storytelling, if you can call it a structure, which you cannot."

"What we once dismissed as an inexplicable career choice — such as the time he played a man who talks to his own left hand for forty minutes in that 2009 Bangkok thriller nobody remembers — was actually a crucial plot development," Dr. Renshaw explained, pointing to a corkboard covered in red string that stretched out the door and allegedly continued for three city blocks. "The hand is still talking. We just haven't caught up yet."

Cage himself addressed reporters from behind a podium shaped like a giant bee, wearing what he described as "a shirt" but which appeared to be seven shirts worn simultaneously.

"Every role is a chapter. Every chapter is a scream," Cage said, nodding solemnly. "The film will end when I decide it ends. I have not decided. I am deciding constantly. The deciding is also part of the film."

Audiences who learned the news reported a wide range of reactions, from confusion to a deeper, more spiritual confusion. Todd Brennan, 34, of Akron, Ohio, said he had watched "Con Air" seventeen times thinking it was a standalone action movie.

"So that means Cameron Poe never actually landed the plane," Brennan said, sitting on his porch steps and staring at nothing. "He's still up there. Nicolas Cage is still up there. We're all still up there."

Film projectionists who have worked in theaters since the late 1980s confessed they had always suspected something was wrong but were told to "just keep threading it through" by managers who have since retired or "moved somewhere without screens."

The studio coalition confirmed that upcoming films, including a Cage project in which he reportedly plays three different iguanas in post-Civil War Louisiana, will continue the narrative "in ways that will either devastate or illuminate you, possibly both, possibly at the same time, possibly next Tuesday."

At press time, Nicolas Cage had already begun filming again, this time apparently inside the press conference itself, and nobody stopped him because, as one sound technician quietly noted, "honestly, this feels like the right call."