Hollywood Insiders Confirm That Nicolas Cage Has Simply Been Method Acting As A Human Being Since 1964

LOS ANGELES — In what industry veterans are calling 'the most committed long-con in the history of modern cinema,' Hollywood insiders confirmed Tuesday that actor Nicolas Cage has been continuously method acting as a functioning human being since approximately the spring of 1964, with absolutely no signs of breaking character anytime soon.

The revelation came after a leaked internal memo from production company Lionsgate described Cage's day-to-day behavior — including purchasing a medieval castle, legally changing his name after a comic book character, and once buying a pet octopus to 'improve his acting,' — as 'consistent with deep, immersive character preparation for a role that, as far as anyone can tell, does not yet exist or possibly never will.'

'What we're witnessing is unprecedented,' said Dr. Patricia Holloway, Chair of Performance Studies at the University of Southern California and author of the upcoming book 'Please, God, What Is He Doing: A Survey of Post-Modern Acting.' 'Most method actors stay in character for a few weeks. A few months if they're really dedicated. Nicolas has been at it for sixty years. At this point, he's not acting like a human. He simply is one. Probably. We're still not entirely sure.'

Cage himself declined to comment, though representatives say he responded to interview requests with a handwritten note that read simply, 'I am always working,' followed by a small, unexplained drawing of a bear wearing a sheriff's badge.

Former co-stars have come forward with supporting evidence. Academy Award-winner Meryl Streep, who appeared alongside Cage in a 1992 film, recalled a moment on set that she found 'deeply unsettling in retrospect.'

'Between takes, he ate a live cockroach,' Streep told reporters. 'I assumed it was for the role. But looking back, his character was an accountant from Tucson. I have a lot of questions.'

The Screen Actors Guild released a brief statement acknowledging the situation, noting that while they 'admire dedication to the craft,' their bylaws do not currently have a provision for 'lifetime method commitment,' and they would be forming a subcommittee to address the gap.

Film historian and noted Cage enthusiast Gerald Muntz argues that the actor's entire filmography — spanning over 100 films including 'Leaving Las Vegas,' 'National Treasure,' and the critically bewildering 'Vampire's Kiss' — should be understood not as separate roles, but as one continuous, unbroken performance piece that simply happens to have different costumes.

'He's not making movies,' Muntz explained, visibly emotional during a phone interview. 'He's allowing cameras to occasionally observe the performance. The real role is existence itself. Also he bought a dinosaur skull at one point, and I think that matters.'

As of press time, Cage had reportedly begun preparing for his next role by purchasing an island, learning ancient Sumerian, and eating breakfast, all of which sources confirmed was 'exactly the same as what he does when he's not preparing for a role.'

Cage's publicist issued a final statement on the matter reading: 'Nicolas would like everyone to know he is deeply committed to his art, his fans, and to the ongoing project of being Nicolas Cage. He also says hi.'