Hundreds Gather To Have Crime Fears Validated By Man Who Once Sold Crystals On Reality TV

SHERMAN OAKS, CA — In what political analysts are calling 'a completely normal and fine development for democracy,' hundreds of concerned Los Angeles residents packed a community event Saturday to voice their fears about rising crime to Spencer Pratt, a man whose most notable prior achievement was arguing with Heidi Montag on basic cable television from 2006 to 2010.

'I used to be afraid to walk to my car at night,' said local resident Deborah Flinch, 54, clutching a signed headshot of Pratt posing with a large amethyst cluster. 'But when Spencer looked me in the eyes and said he understood, I felt something shift. I think it was his crystal energy working.'

The event, held in the district currently represented by City Councilmember Nithya Raman, was described by organizers as a 'serious policy forum,' despite featuring a welcome table stocked with Pratt's signature gemstone merchandise and a DJ playing the 'The Hills' theme song on loop for forty-five minutes before anyone noticed.

Pratt, visibly energized by the crowd, reportedly delivered a passionate forty-minute speech on crime solutions that included, according to multiple witnesses, at least twelve minutes about the protective spiritual properties of black tourmaline.

'Spencer has real plans,' insisted attendee Gary Mossman, 61, when pressed for specifics. 'He's going to fix everything. The crime, the homeless thing, probably parking too.' When asked what those plans were, Mossman stared blankly for several seconds before gesturing vaguely toward Pratt's crystal merchandise table.

Raman, for her part, released a statement expressing that she looked 'forward to a substantive policy debate,' a sentence her communications director reportedly typed while staring at the wall for a very long time.

Political strategists across the city say the event signals a major shift in LA politics, in which voters have moved past wanting candidates with experience, qualifications, or awareness of what the city council actually does, in favor of candidates they once watched cry on a yacht in Season 4.

'This is the future of governance,' said UCLA political science professor Dr. Andrew Belham, slowly closing his laptop. 'I'm going to go lie down.'

At press time, Pratt was seen handing out rose quartz to elderly voters while explaining that the stones would 'definitely do something' about the smash-and-grab robberies on Ventura Boulevard.