Local Baseball Team Discovers 73% of Their Wins Were Due to Accidentally Playing Against Scarecrows
MILLFIELD, OH — The minor league baseball team Millfield Mudcats saw their perfect 47-0 season record come under intense scrutiny this week after stadium groundskeeper Eugene Whistlebottom revealed that the majority of their opponents were sophisticated scarecrow installations he had forgotten to remove from previous seasons.
"I kept wondering why the visiting teams never seemed to move much or respond to our trash talk," said Mudcats pitcher Danny Hardball, who boasted a 0.00 ERA against what he now realizes were mostly burlap sacks stuffed with newspaper. "I just figured modern baseball strategy had gotten really, really boring."
The confusion began in April when Whistlebottom, 67, installed a series of "realistic batting practice scarecrows" throughout the stadium to deter crop-destroying birds. Due to what team officials are calling "severe cataracts and a general unwillingness to wear his prescribed eyeglasses," Whistlebottom forgot about the installations and assumed they were visiting players.
"In my defense, some of those scarecrows had better batting stances than half the guys in Double-A ball," Whistlebottom explained while adjusting a flannel shirt on what appeared to be a remarkably well-dressed hay bale. "Plus, they never complained about the strike zone or asked for bathroom breaks."
Minor League Baseball Commissioner Janet Strikeout expressed bewilderment at how the deception went unnoticed for an entire season. "Typically, we require visiting teams to, at minimum, be composed of living human beings," Strikeout said. "Though I'll admit, attendance was up 340% because fans appreciated the shorter game times."
The Mudcats' coaching staff maintains they suspected something was amiss but attributed the opposing teams' lack of movement to "advanced meditation techniques" and "next-level mental game strategy." Head coach Rusty Baseline noted that several scarecrows actually provided more competitive at-bats than anticipated.
"That one scarecrow in the plaid shirt really made me work for my strikeouts," said relief pitcher Miguel Fastball. "Turns out it was just really windy that day, but I thought he had developed some kind of innovative wiggling technique."
The discovery came to light when Whistlebottom attempted to high-five the opposing team's cleanup hitter after what he considered "a fantastic game," only to have his hand pass completely through the player's newspaper-stuffed torso.
Despite the controversy, local fans are demanding the Mudcats continue playing against scarecrows, citing dramatically reduced ticket prices and the novelty of being able to accurately predict every play outcome.
"Honestly, it's the most exciting baseball I've seen in years," said season ticket holder Martha Peanuts. "Plus, the scarecrows have much better sportsmanship than most visiting teams."
The league has suspended Whistlebottom's groundskeeping license pending a comprehensive eye exam and a basic course in distinguishing between humans and farm equipment.