Local Basketball Team's Performance Dramatically Improves After Realizing They Were Playing With a Watermelon for Three Months
SPRINGFIELD, IL — The Springfield Scorpions, a semi-professional basketball team that had been struggling with an 0-47 record, has suddenly become unstoppable after team equipment manager Janet Kowalski discovered they had been playing with a 15-pound watermelon instead of a regulation basketball for the past three months.
The revelation came during last Tuesday's practice when point guard Marcus "Lightning" Johnson attempted a three-pointer and the ball split open mid-air, covering the court in pink fruit flesh and black seeds.
"I always wondered why my hands were so sticky after games," said Johnson, who had been averaging 2.3 points per game before the discovery. "And why Coach kept yelling at us to 'juice up our offense.' I thought it was just motivational speaking."
Team physician Dr. Rebecca Martinez explained that the players had unknowingly been developing superhuman strength by dribbling and shooting the much heavier fruit. "When you train with a 15-pound watermelon for three months, a 1.4-pound basketball feels like a ping-pong ball," Martinez said. "These players can now shoot from half-court with the accuracy of a free throw."
Head Coach Dale "Big D" Patterson admitted he noticed something was off but assumed it was normal. "I've been coaching middle school girls' volleyball for 20 years, so I'm new to basketball," Patterson explained. "When the 'ball' started getting softer and developing brown spots, I figured that's just what happens in professional sports."
The mix-up apparently began when Kowalski, who also works part-time at a grocery store, accidentally grabbed the wrong spherical object from her car trunk. "They were both round and green," she said defensively. "How was I supposed to know?"
Since switching to an actual basketball, the Scorpions have outscored opponents 1,247 to 203, with Johnson now averaging 67 points per game. Center Dwayne "The Crane" Williams has dunked so hard that three different hoops have been completely destroyed.
"It's like we've been training in a hyperbolic time chamber," said Williams, referencing the popular anime Dragon Ball Z. "Everything feels like slow motion now."
The team's sudden dominance has caught the attention of NBA scouts, though league officials are investigating whether training with produce constitutes performance enhancement.
"We're consulting with the Department of Agriculture to determine if this violates any regulations," said NBA spokesperson Jennifer Walsh. "This is uncharted territory."
The Scorpions' next opponent, the Rockford Thunder, has requested that all game balls be DNA tested before tip-off.
Kowalski, meanwhile, has been promoted to head equipment manager and given a comprehensive guide to distinguish between sporting goods and grocery items.