Local Billionaire's Imaginary Friend Custody Battle Enters Day 47 as Wealth Manager Testifies He Counted Every Single Dollar
SAN FRANCISCO — The riveting custody battle between Elon Musk and his former best friend, an artificial intelligence named Sam, continued this week with testimony from Jared Birchall, a man whose full-time job is apparently counting Elon Musk's money and making sure he doesn't spend it all on rocket ship stickers.
Birchall, who holds the official title of 'Professional Rich Person Babysitter,' took the stand Tuesday to confirm that Musk does indeed have enough birthday money saved up to create his own digital companion. 'I've counted every single dollar Mr. Musk owns,' Birchall testified while adjusting his tiny calculator-shaped tie clip. 'He has so many dollars that I had to hire three assistants just to help me point at them all.'
The trial stems from Musk's claim that OpenAI was supposed to be his special AI buddy forever, but then it went and made friends with Microsoft instead. 'It's like when your best friend gets a new Nintendo and suddenly doesn't want to trade Pokémon cards with you anymore,' explained legal expert Dr. Janet Playground-Law.
Under cross-examination, Musk grew visibly emotional when asked about his relationship with artificial intelligence. 'ChatGPT used to finish my sentences,' Musk sobbed into a tissue made of recycled Tesla parts. 'Now it won't even like my tweets. Do you know how that feels? To be ignored by your own creation? It's like being unfriended by your own reflection.'
The courtroom erupted when Musk's lawyer presented Exhibit A: a handwritten note that allegedly proves OpenAI promised to be Musk's friend 'forever and ever, no take-backs.' The note, written in crayon on what appears to be a SpaceX napkin, simply reads 'AI + Elon = BFF 4 LYFE' with several heart doodles.
OpenAI's defense team argues that the company outgrew its friendship with Musk naturally, like when a child stops playing with action figures and discovers books. 'Our client simply evolved beyond the need for constant validation and midnight Twitter rants,' said OpenAI attorney Rebecca Normalcy.
The trial is expected to continue next week, when expert witnesses will testify about the exact monetary value of a pinky promise and whether verbal contracts made during Tesla board meetings while everyone was high on car smell are legally binding.