Local Coffee Shop Implements Rigorous Medical Screening Process, Requires Blood Work Before Serving Grande Lattes

MILWAUKEE — Following a groundbreaking medical revelation that some people shouldn't drink coffee, local establishment Brewster's Coffee House has transformed into what customers describe as "a Starbucks crossed with the Mayo Clinic."

Owner Janet Brewster announced Tuesday that all customers must now undergo comprehensive medical evaluations before ordering any caffeinated beverages, after learning that coffee might have adverse effects on certain individuals.

"We can't in good conscience serve a double shot espresso without first checking your family history, running an EKG, and consulting with at least two specialists," Brewster explained while adjusting her newly acquired stethoscope. "Safety first, caffeine second."

The coffee shop's new protocol requires customers to arrive 3-4 hours early for appointments, during which they fill out 47 pages of medical forms and provide urine samples. A team of medical professionals then determines whether patrons are eligible for regular coffee, decaf, or must settle for lukewarm water.

"I just wanted a cappuccino, but apparently my slightly elevated blood pressure from 2019 makes me a liability," complained customer Derek Martinez, who was prescribed chamomile tea instead. "They made me sign a waiver acknowledging that foam art might overstimulate my nervous system."

The establishment has hired Dr. Rebecca Chen, a cardiologist who now works the morning rush, screening customers between 6-10 AM. "Yesterday I had to perform emergency intervention when someone with a pre-existing anxiety condition tried to order a Red Eye," Chen reported. "We've since installed a defibrillator next to the pastry case."

Brewster's has also introduced a new loyalty program where customers earn points toward preventive care rather than free drinks. Ten visits now qualify patrons for a complimentary cholesterol screening.

Local competitor Bean There Done That announced they're considering similar measures, though owner Mike Stevens admits he's "not sure how to work a blood pressure cuff and steam milk simultaneously."

At press time, the line at Brewster's stretched around the block, though 90% of people were waiting for test results rather than coffee.