Local Man Insists He Is 'Just Resting His Eyes' Despite Having Filed Taxes In His Sleep

DENTON, OH — Refusing to acknowledge any lapse in consciousness despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, local man Everett Plumb, 54, insisted Monday that he was 'just resting his eyes' after family members discovered he had, while allegedly awake, filed his federal tax return, disputed a charge on his credit card statement, and sent a 400-word email to his homeowners association regarding the acceptable height of decorative garden gnomes.

'I was completely awake the entire time,' said Plumb, still wearing the novelty sombrero he apparently placed on his own head sometime during the third quarter of the Browns game. 'I was just thinking. With my eyes closed. And also my entire body.'

Plumb's wife, Linda, 52, told reporters she first noticed something was wrong when her husband began snoring while simultaneously arguing, quite coherently, that the gnome height limit of 18 inches was 'frankly un-American.'

'He typed the whole email,' Linda confirmed, gesturing to a laptop balanced on Everett's stomach. 'He used proper paragraph breaks. He cited a local zoning ordinance from 1987. He carbon-copied the mayor.'

Authorities from the Denton Sleep Research Clinic were called to the scene after Plumb reportedly also assembled a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle of a covered bridge and left a voicemail for his dentist scheduling a cleaning for 'sometime in March, or whenever, Linda knows my schedule.'

Dr. Patricia Hoole, a leading somnambulism expert who has studied sleep behavior for 22 years and describes herself as 'professionally baffled' by the Plumb case, says this represents an entirely new category of unconscious productivity.

'We've seen sleepwalkers make sandwiches before. We've seen them drive cars, which is terrifying and illegal,' said Dr. Hoole, reviewing Plumb's tax return with visible admiration. 'But Everett correctly calculated his depreciation on a home office deduction. He got a $340 refund. My own accountant couldn't do that awake.'

The IRS has declined to comment, though sources within the agency confirmed the return was 'technically flawless' and flagged internally as 'suspicious due to accuracy.'

Neighbors report this is not the first incident. Last spring, Plumb 'rested his eyes' through an entire neighborhood watch meeting, during which he served as acting secretary and produced minutes described by the HOA president as 'the most thorough we've ever had.'

'He got every word,' said HOA President Gary Tuttleman, 61. 'He even noted that Brenda Horvath arrived four minutes late and smelled like a candle called Ocean Breeze. That's detail-oriented. That's professionalism.'

At press time, Plumb had shifted position on the couch, placed the sombrero neatly on the coffee table, and was reportedly 'just thinking' about whether to refinance his mortgage, with his laptop open to three competing lender comparison websites.