Local Man's Brain Diagnosed With Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, Responds With Formal Letter of Complaint

CHICAGO — In an unprecedented medical development, the brain of deceased Chicago Bears legend Steve 'Mongo' McMichael has been posthumously diagnosed with Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE), prompting the organ to immediately hire a labor attorney and demand workers' compensation.

"My client's gray matter endured decades of workplace abuse without proper safety equipment," said neurological tissue rights advocate Dr. Patricia Synapse. "We're talking about repeated blunt force trauma in an environment where the primary job description was literally 'hit people really hard with your head.'"

The brain, speaking through a court-appointed medium, expressed outrage at the delayed diagnosis. "I've been trying to tell people I was damaged for years," the cerebral cortex reportedly communicated via Ouija board. "Did anyone listen when I made Mongo challenge Hulk Hogan to arm wrestling matches? That should have been red flag number one."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement denying any connection between professional football and brain injuries, while simultaneously announcing the league's new "Helmets Optional Tuesdays" initiative.

McMichael's frontal lobe has reportedly already retained the services of a personal injury firm specializing in posthumous litigation, with plans to sue the entire sport of football for "creating a hostile work environment."

The case is expected to set a precedent for other deceased players' organs, with rumors that Walter Payton's knees are preparing a class-action lawsuit against artificial turf.