Local Man's Fantasy Football Team So Bad It Actually Causes Real NFL Players to Fumble When He Starts Them
MILWAUKEE, WI — After extensive statistical analysis, sports scientists at the University of Wisconsin have concluded that local accountant Derek Pemberton possesses an unprecedented psychic ability to cause professional football players to underperform simply by adding them to his fantasy lineup.
The phenomenon, dubbed "Pemberton's Curse" by researchers, was first noticed when every single player Pemberton drafted in his office fantasy league suffered season-ending injuries within 48 hours of selection. Initially dismissed as coincidence, the pattern became impossible to ignore when star quarterback Josh Allen threw four interceptions in the first quarter immediately after Pemberton claimed him off waivers.
"We've never seen anything like it," said Dr. Margaret Chen, lead researcher on the study. "The correlation between Mr. Pemberton's roster moves and catastrophic player failures is statistically impossible. We're talking about a 99.97% negative performance rate. He's essentially a fantasy football black hole."
Pemberton, 34, remains oblivious to his supernatural curse despite his team, "Pemberton's Perpetual Disappointments," holding the record for lowest points scored in fantasy football history across three different leagues. His current roster includes what were formerly elite players who have since forgotten how to play football entirely.
"I just have really bad luck, I guess," Pemberton said while updating his lineup Tuesday morning, inadvertently causing Tampa Bay wide receiver Mike Evans to trip over his own shoelaces during practice 1,200 miles away. "Last week I started three running backs and they all ran backwards into their own end zones. The commentators said they'd never seen anything like it."
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly considered implementing the "Pemberton Rule," which would require fantasy platforms to notify the league whenever Pemberton makes roster changes, allowing teams to bench affected players preemptively.
"For the integrity of the game, we may need to intervene," Goodell stated. "Yesterday he picked up a kicker and the poor guy immediately developed a rare condition where he can only kick the ball directly into the ground."
Pemberton's league mates have begun using his roster as a reverse predictor for their own lineups. "If Derek starts someone, we all immediately trade for their backup," explained league commissioner Janet Rodriguez. "His Week 3 lineup predicted every major injury that weekend. We think he might be psychic, but only for football disasters."
At press time, Pemberton was reportedly considering adding Patriots coach Bill Belichick to his coaching slot, despite Belichick retiring two seasons ago and coaching slots not existing in fantasy football, prompting researchers to evacuate the greater Boston area as a precaution.