Local Man Who Said He'd 'Be Ready In Five Minutes' Found Alive After 11 Days

BRENTWOOD, OH — In what officials are calling the most dramatic local rescue operation since the Applebee's parking lot incident of 2019, area man Gerald Pimms was discovered alive Thursday after going missing eleven days ago following his announcement that he would be 'ready in five minutes' before his family's scheduled trip to Appalachian Adventure Park.

Pimms, 47, a regional supply chain coordinator and amateur sourdough enthusiast, was found in his master bathroom on the second floor of his Brentwood home, standing at the sink in a semi-dressed state, one sock on, holding a razor he had not yet applied to his face. A half-eaten granola bar sat on the counter beside him.

'He looked right at us and said, and I quote, just two more seconds,' said Lead Rescue Coordinator Dave Uffelman of the Brentwood Fire Department. 'We had seven men in full gear. He asked us if we could wait in the hallway.'

Pimms's wife, Linda, 44, told reporters she initially assumed her husband's disappearance was 'just another five minutes situation' and did not report him missing until Day Four, when she noticed the family minivan was still in the driveway and the kids had missed two days of school.

'We've been married nineteen years,' Linda said, clutching a lukewarm coffee outside the home Thursday afternoon. 'I thought maybe this time he actually meant five minutes. I was wrong. I am always wrong.'

Experts say the incident is far from unusual. Dr. Patricia Howell, a temporal behavioral psychologist at Ohio State's Midwest Institute for Chronological Delusion, explained that the 'five minute phenomenon' affects an estimated 74 percent of adult men in suburban zip codes.

'What Gerald experienced is what we call a Subjective Minute Collapse,' Dr. Howell explained, adjusting her lanyard. 'The brain genuinely believes five minutes is passing. In reality, the subject enters a kind of preparatory limbo state in which tasks like finding the other sock or deciding whether to bring a jacket expand to fill all available time in the known universe.'

Authorities noted that investigators discovered significant evidence of activity during Pimms's eleven days in the bathroom, including three organizational attempts on the medicine cabinet, a downloaded podcast that was never actually played, and fourteen minutes spent reading the back of a shampoo bottle that he confirmed was 'actually pretty interesting.'

Neighbors have expressed relief. 'We lit a candle for him at St. Augustine's,' said neighbor Brenda Kowalczyk, 61. 'Father Dennis said a prayer. We all assumed the worst, which in hindsight was that he'd found a second thing to do before the first thing was done.'

Pimms was transported to Mercy General Hospital for observation and was reportedly discharged within the hour, though sources inside the hospital confirmed he told nurses he would meet them at the exit 'in just a minute' and was not located in the lobby until approximately forty-five minutes later.

He reportedly looked surprised that anyone had waited.

The family's trip to Appalachian Adventure Park has been rescheduled for next Saturday. Linda says she is 'cautiously optimistic' but has already purchased a backup activity in case of delays.

Gerald says he'll definitely be ready.