Local Safeway Achieves 19th Century Theme Store Status After Accidental Measles Exposure Creates 'Authentic Pioneer Shopping Experience'

PORTLAND, OR — What started as a routine public health advisory has blossomed into Southeast Portland's hottest new themed shopping destination, as the Safeway on Division Street has fully embraced its accidental transformation into an authentic 1800s general store experience.

"We're calling it 'Ye Olde Safeway: Where Every Aisle is an Adventure in Survival,'" announced store manager Brenda Kowalski, adjusting her newly-required bonnet. "Why go to Colonial Williamsburg when you can get milk, bread, and a genuine risk of contracting diseases that were supposed to be eradicated decades ago?"

The store has quickly pivoted its marketing strategy, installing wooden wagon wheels in the produce section and replacing fluorescent lighting with authentic oil lamps. Shoppers now receive complimentary muskets with purchases over $50 and can participate in daily activities like "Churn Your Own Butter" and "Guess Which Vegetables Might Kill You."

"I've never felt more connected to my ancestors," said customer Janet Mills, clutching a bottle of snake oil she purchased from the new apothecary section. "There's something thrilling about not knowing if you'll survive your weekly grocery run. It really makes you appreciate modern conveniences like herd immunity."

The Oregon Health Authority has reportedly given up trying to issue warnings, instead establishing a permanent medical tent in the parking lot staffed by doctors in period-appropriate plague masks. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," shrugged health official Dr. Rebecca Martinez while bleeding a patient with leeches.

Safeway corporate headquarters announced plans to roll out the concept nationwide, with upcoming locations featuring cholera (Denver), smallpox (Phoenix), and bubonic plague (the entire state of Florida).