Local Theater Company Forced to Cast Actual Shakespeare After All Human Actors Quit to Become Influencers
RIVERSIDE, CA — The Riverside Community Theater made theatrical history last week when they became the first company in 400 years to cast William Shakespeare in one of his own productions, after every single member of their acting troupe quit to pursue careers as social media influencers.
The crisis began three months ago when lead actor Brad Mitchelson abandoned his role as Hamlet mid-soliloquy to livestream himself eating cereal while discussing cryptocurrency. Within days, the entire cast had followed suit, with Lady Macbeth starting an OnlyFans account and Romeo launching a YouTube channel dedicated to unboxing medieval weapons.
"We were desperate," explained theater director Martha Hendricks, nervously adjusting her glasses. "Our season opener of 'Macbeth' was two weeks away, and our only remaining cast member was Carl, the 73-year-old lighting technician who can barely remember to turn the spotlights on, let alone deliver iambic pentameter."
After unsuccessful attempts to recruit actors from neighboring theaters — all of whom were apparently too busy creating dance videos to 15th-century lute music — Hendricks made the unprecedented decision to contact a local necromancer.
"I found this guy on Craigslist," Hendricks admitted. "His ad said 'Will resurrect historical figures for reasonable rates. No politicians.' Shakespeare cost us $200 and a case of craft beer."
The Bard himself, reached for comment during intermission, expressed bewilderment at modern performance culture.
"Prithee, what manner of sorcery is this 'TikTok' whereof they speak?" Shakespeare wondered aloud, still wearing full Macbeth regalia. "In mine day, actors were grateful for steady work and the occasional rotten tomato. Now they abandon the noble craft for... what? Moving pictures of themselves dancing to invisible minstrels?"
The reanimated playwright has reportedly been struggling to adapt to 21st-century theater production, frequently stopping mid-performance to argue with the lighting designer about "the proper use of candlelight" and insisting that all female roles be played by "smooth-faced boys."
"He's actually quite good," admitted audience member Jennifer Walsh. "Though it's weird when he breaks character to complain about how we've been interpreting his plays wrong for centuries. Also, he keeps trying to rewrite the endings during the show."
Despite the unconventional casting choice, ticket sales have skyrocketed, with theater enthusiasts traveling from across the country to see Shakespeare perform Shakespeare. The production has even attracted the attention of their former cast members, with several attempting to interview the Bard for their respective social media channels.
"These TikTok people keep shoving glowing rectangles in my face," Shakespeare grumbled. "Mayhap 'tis time to write a new tragedy about the decline of Western civilization."
The theater plans to keep Shakespeare on retainer through the spring season, though they're reportedly having difficulty explaining modern labor laws to someone who considers plague closures a normal part of show business.