Local Whale Dies After Falling for 'Hot Singles in Your Area' River Ad Campaign

WILLAPA BAY, WA — Marine biologists confirmed Tuesday that a young gray whale found dead in the Willapa River had apparently been lured inland by aggressive targeted advertising promising "Hot Singles in Your Area" and "Fresh Fish Waiting to Meet You Tonight."

The 30-foot juvenile whale, tentatively named Brad by researchers, had somehow navigated 20 miles upriver from the Pacific Ocean after clicking on what experts believe was a malicious pop-up ad while browsing for krill on his waterproof tablet.

"We found his browser history, and it's honestly pretty heartbreaking," said Dr. Patricia Blowhole of the Pacific Marine Research Institute. "Lots of searches for 'river babes,' 'inland whale dating,' and tragically, 'how to impress freshwater fish with ocean stories.'"

According to witness reports, Brad spent his final days swimming in increasingly shallow waters, repeatedly breaching near the shoreline in what appeared to be an attempt at "showing off his moves" to unimpressed sturgeon and confused beavers.

"He kept doing these elaborate tail slaps and spouting water in heart shapes," said local fisherman Chuck Ripley. "The salmon just swam away. It was awkward for everyone involved."

The Federal Trade Commission has launched an investigation into several suspicious dating sites with names like "RiverLove.com" and "SalmonMingle," which appear to have been specifically targeting migratory marine mammals during their vulnerable lonely seasons.

Brad's death certificate officially lists the cause as "terminal catfishing and acute geographic incompatibility."