Marco Rubio Outraged After Iran Installs EZ-Pass Toll Booths Throughout Strait of Hormuz

WASHINGTON — Secretary of State Marco Rubio expressed fury this week after Iran reportedly installed a series of toll booths complete with EZ-Pass scanners and coin slots throughout the Strait of Hormuz, with signs reading 'International Waters - $15 Per Vessel' and 'No Checks Accepted.'

'This is absolutely unacceptable,' Rubio declared at a press conference while waving a crumpled receipt. 'Iran cannot simply put up those orange construction cones and start charging ships like it's the New Jersey Turnpike. What's next, a gift shop selling 'I Survived the Strait of Hormuz' t-shirts?'

According to maritime sources, Iranian officials have been standing in small toll booths wearing reflective vests, asking ship captains if they want to 'make it exact change' and offering to wash windshields for tips. Several tankers reported being given paper tickets and told to 'keep your receipt in case of disputes.'

The situation escalated when Iran reportedly installed those automatic arm barriers that won't lift until payment is processed, causing a 47-mile backup of cargo ships. One captain complained that he sat in maritime traffic for six hours only to discover Iran wasn't accepting his corporate credit card.

'They even have one of those electronic signs that says how much your toll is,' fumed Admiral Patricia Henderson. 'And somehow it calculated that our aircraft carrier owes $847.50 in tolls, plus a $12 'oversized vehicle' surcharge.'

Iranian negotiator Ali Bagheri Kani defended the toll system, explaining that the revenue would go toward 'strait maintenance and improvements,' including better lane markings on the ocean floor and installing those helpful merge signs reading 'Persian Gulf Traffic Keep Right.'

Meanwhile, diplomatic sources report that negotiations remain stalled after Iran's chief negotiator left for Russia, apparently to research Moscow's subway token system for 'operational insights.'