NASA Scientists Shocked to Discover Space is Actually Pretty Dangerous After 60 Years of Space Travel

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — In a stunning revelation that has rocked the scientific community, NASA researchers announced this week that space travel might actually pose some risks to human health, a discovery made possible only after six decades of regularly shooting people into the cosmos.

"We honestly had no idea," said Dr. Margaret Thornfield, lead researcher on the Artemis II health monitoring team, while frantically shredding promotional posters showing astronauts having picnics on the moon. "All this time we thought the endless void of space was basically like a really high swimming pool. Turns out there might be some downsides."

The shocking findings include the discovery that space contains no breathable air, harmful radiation levels that would make a microwave oven blush, and a complete absence of gravity that apparently affects human bones in ways scientists describe as "probably not great." Most disturbing of all, researchers found that space is "really, really cold" and "surprisingly empty of Pizza Huts."

"The Apollo astronauts never mentioned any of this," complained NASA Administrator Bill Nelson, flipping through decades of mission reports that apparently contained only smiley face drawings and grocery lists. "Neil Armstrong's post-mission interview just said 'moon good, space fun, would recommend.' How were we supposed to know he was being sarcastic?"

The Artemis II mission has deployed sophisticated monitoring equipment to measure these newly discovered "space hazards," including a revolutionary device called a "thermometer" and another groundbreaking instrument researchers are calling a "radiation detector."

"We're basically starting from scratch here," admitted mission specialist Dr. Robert Chen, who spent the morning googling "is space dangerous?" and looking visibly concerned at the 47 million search results. "Next you're going to tell me that Mars doesn't have a Starbucks."

NASA has announced they will be revising their recruitment materials, replacing the current slogan "Space: It's Like Earth But Higher!" with the more accurate "Space: Please Consult Your Doctor Before Participating."

At press time, the space agency was reportedly considering the radical step of asking astronauts how they felt during missions instead of just assuming they were having a great time.