Nation of Switzerland Admits It Has Been Three Gnomes in a Trench Coat This Entire Time
BERN, SWITZERLAND — In a shocking revelation that has sent diplomatic circles into chaos, the nation of Switzerland announced Monday that it has been three gnomes in a trench coat masquerading as a legitimate European country since 1291.
The confession came during what was supposed to be a routine press conference about chocolate export regulations, when Swiss President Alain Berset suddenly removed what observers had assumed was his head, revealing himself to be the topmost of three small, bearded creatures.
"We can't keep up this charade any longer," squeaked Hans, the uppermost gnome, adjusting his tiny spectacles. "Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to run an entire neutral country while balanced on Fritz's shoulders? My back is killing me."
The middle gnome, Fritz, confirmed that the trio had been maintaining Swiss neutrality primarily because they were "too tired from all this standing around to pick sides in any conflicts." Meanwhile, Günther, the bottom gnome whose job involves operating the legs, complained that he hadn't seen sunlight in over 700 years.
"Honestly, we just started with the banking thing because we needed somewhere to store our acorns," Fritz explained to stunned reporters. "The whole precision watchmaking industry? That's just because we have really small hands. And don't get us started on the yodeling – that's what happens when you try to have a conversation through three layers of gnome."
The revelation has prompted a complete reevaluation of Swiss achievements throughout history. Historians are now questioning whether the famous Swiss Army knife was actually invented by necessity when the gnomes needed a tool small enough for their proportions, and whether Swiss cheese holes were simply the result of the gnomes' inability to reach certain parts of the cheese-making process.
"This explains so much," said Dr. Margaret Steinberg, a professor of European studies at Oxford. "We always wondered why Swiss diplomats insisted on conducting all meetings standing up and why they kept their faces so suspiciously still during negotiations."
Neighboring countries have expressed mixed reactions to the news. France announced it was "not entirely surprised," while Italy demanded to know if this meant they could finally have that corner of the Alps they've been eyeing since 1932.
The gnomes assured the international community that Switzerland would continue operating normally, though they admitted they might need to take more frequent breaks. "We're considering getting a fourth gnome to help with the EU relations," Hans noted. "Maybe someone named Klaus."
When asked about other potentially fraudulent nations, Fritz declined to comment but was seen nervously glancing toward Liechtenstein.