Scientists Discover Popular Heart Supplement Actually Just Tiny Broken Hearts From Rejected Vitamins
BOSTON — A groundbreaking study published this week revealed that CardioMax Plus, a supplement taken by millions worldwide, is composed entirely of miniature broken hearts harvested from vitamins that were romantically spurned by the human digestive system.
Dr. Margaret Pillsworth, lead researcher at the Institute for Supplement Shenanigans, explained the disturbing discovery: "We always wondered why this heart supplement seemed to cause more heart problems. Turns out, we've been feeding people the cardiovascular equivalent of sad breakup songs."
The study, which followed 50,000 supplement users over three years, found that each CardioMax Plus capsule contains approximately 2,000 microscopic broken hearts, each no bigger than a grain of rice and crying tears of pure cholesterol.
"These little hearts are deeply depressed," said Dr. Pillsworth, pointing to electron microscope images showing tiny hearts wearing miniature black clothing and listening to Taylor Swift on even tinier iPods. "When consumed, they spread their heartbreak throughout the cardiovascular system like emotional cholesterol."
CardioMax Plus manufacturer HeartyCorp issued a statement defending their product: "We clearly labeled our supplements as containing 'broken heart extract.' We assumed consumers understood this was metaphorical, not literal miniature hearts suffering from clinical depression."
The FDA has launched an investigation after reports that some users began spontaneously writing poetry about their ex-girlfriends and adopting rescue cats. Several patients were hospitalized for acute melancholia and an irresistible urge to eat ice cream directly from the container while watching romantic comedies.
"I just wanted stronger arteries," sobbed CardioMax user Janet Morrison, 54, clutching a box of tissues. "Instead, I've been crying uncontrollably for six months and my Spotify playlist is 90% Adele."
Scientists are now working on a new supplement made from hearts that have successfully completed therapy and found inner peace.