Stock Market Develops Severe Emotional Attachment To Trump's Stream Of Consciousness, Therapy Recommended
NEW YORK — Financial experts are expressing concern after the Dow Jones Industrial Average exhibited classic signs of emotional dependency following another dramatic mood swing triggered by Donald Trump casually mentioning he might "wind down" a war that hasn't actually started yet.
The market, which had been spiraling into what economists described as a "full-blown panic attack" over rising oil prices, suddenly perked up like an excited golden retriever when Trump offhandedly suggested during a golf cart interview that maybe Iran wasn't so bad after all.
"The market is basically in an abusive relationship with Trump's Twitter feed at this point," said Dr. Margaret Steinberg, a financial therapist who specializes in markets with abandonment issues. "One minute it's crashing because he threatens World War III, the next it's rallying because he decides he's 'mulling' peace. This is textbook emotional whiplash."
Witnesses report the S&P 500 was seen hyperventilating in a corner of the New York Stock Exchange before Trump's comments, muttering something about oil futures and checking its phone obsessively for new developments. The Nasdaq, meanwhile, had already started stress-eating tech stocks.
"I've never seen anything like it," said NYSE floor trader Bob Kowalski, watching as green numbers suddenly replaced red ones across his screen. "The market literally went from planning its own funeral to doing cartwheels because Trump used the phrase 'winding down' in a sentence. I think we need to stage an intervention."
Trump, reached for comment while browsing a McDonald's drive-through menu, confirmed he was indeed "thinking about maybe not having that Iran thing" because "wars are very expensive and I have a golf tournament this weekend."
At press time, the market had begun frantically refreshing Trump's social media accounts, hoping for more casual geopolitical observations to base the entire global economy on.