Strait of Hormuz Reportedly Open for Business, Ships Too Embarrassed to Admit They Don't Know Where It Is

STRAIT OF HORMUZ — Following reports that the strategically crucial Strait of Hormuz has reopened to international shipping traffic, maritime authorities revealed Tuesday that the waterway remains eerily empty because approximately 94% of ship captains are too mortified to confess they have no idea where the strait actually is.

"Look, I've been sailing these waters for thirty years," said Captain Bill Morrison of the cargo vessel SS Definitely Not Lost. "But between you and me, I've just been following that blue line on Google Maps and hoping for the best. Is Hormuz the skinny bit near the boats? The wide bit? Is it a place or a feeling?"

The embarrassing revelation came to light when international shipping coordinator Janet Flemsworth noticed that despite official clearance, vessel traffic through the strait remained at historic lows. After conducting interviews with dozens of sea captains, she discovered that most had been navigating by asking their crew members "Does this look like a strait to you?" while pointing at various bodies of water.

"We had one captain who spent six hours circling a large rock formation asking his radio operator to Google 'Hormuz entrance exam,'" Flemsworth reported. "Another tried to navigate there using Uber, which somehow directed him to a Persian restaurant in Delaware."

The Iranian Maritime Authority has since announced plans to install a giant neon sign reading "STRAIT OF HORMUZ - YOU ARE HERE" along with helpful arrows and a Yelp QR code, though officials admit they're not entirely certain of the strait's exact coordinates either.