Subway's 700 Store Closures Blamed on Corporate Discovery That Sandwiches Were Too Long for Modern Attention Spans

NEW YORK - Subway announced the closure of over 700 locations nationwide after company executives allegedly realized their signature footlong sandwiches exceed the maximum length modern humans can mentally process without experiencing existential dread.

'Our market research showed that people today can only handle about 4.2 inches of sandwich before their brains shut down,' explained Chief Sandwich Length Officer Miranda Hoagie at a press conference held inside a comically oversized submarine sandwich. 'We tried cutting our footlongs in half, but customers became confused when we handed them two 6-inch subs, asking if they were supposed to eat them sequentially or simultaneously.'

The closures have disproportionately affected Latino communities, where Subway spokesperson Juan Delgado noted that residents possessed 'dangerously high sandwich comprehension levels' that made them 'incompatible with our new bite-sized business model.'

'These communities could handle not just footlongs, but potentially yard-long sandwiches,' Delgado said with visible concern. 'They represent an evolutionary leap in sandwich consumption that frankly terrifies our shareholders.'

Subway plans to replace the closed locations with vending machines dispensing 2-inch 'Micro-ways' - essentially just meat and cheese cubes that customers can arrange into sandwich-like formations if they feel ambitious.

The company's stock has mysteriously reached record highs, with investors apparently thrilled by the prospects of selling less food for the same price to an increasingly confused customer base.