Supreme Court Rules Alabama May Replace Congressional Districts With One Giant 'Whites Only' Maze, Sources Confirm

WASHINGTON — The United States Supreme Court ruled early Thursday that Alabama may proceed with its innovative redistricting plan, which state officials described as 'totally normal gerrymandering stuff' and absolutely not what it looks like.

The plan, which would eliminate one of two largely Black congressional districts, was submitted to the court on official Alabama state letterhead that smelled faintly of 1962.

'We have carefully reviewed the maps,' wrote Justice Samuel Alito in the majority opinion, 'and we can confirm that the squiggly lines are completely random and were definitely not drawn by someone cackling into a telephone.' The opinion was forty-seven pages long and included a hand-drawn smiley face on the last page.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey celebrated the decision from the steps of the state capitol, where she was flanked by a team of lawyers who spent the entire press conference staring intensely at the sky.

'This is simply about efficient governance,' Ivey told reporters. 'When you think about it, do Black voters really need TWO congressional districts? Seems excessive. Have you tried just the one? We hear it's very roomy.'

The new proposed district, which critics note is shaped suspiciously like a thumbs down emoji, would consolidate minority voters into a region geographically accessible only by one dirt road and a seasonally operational pontoon bridge.

Legal scholars were divided on the ruling, with approximately half calling it 'a devastating blow to the Voting Rights Act' and the other half being the five justices who voted for it.

'Technically, everyone still has the right to vote,' explained one anonymous court clerk, who was spotted immediately afterward enrolling in a Canadian immigration program. 'They just have to drive four hours through a swamp to do it. That's not suppression. That's cardio.'

The NAACP released a statement calling the decision 'breathtaking in its audacity,' while Alabama's Republican legislative caucus released a statement saying 'Breathtaking? We prefer the term bold and innovative.'

At press time, Alabama had submitted a follow-up proposal to replace all remaining congressional districts with a single seat reserved for a man named Todd.