Supreme Court Tells Virginia Democrats To Just Draw Their Map With Their Non-Dominant Hand Next Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court of the United States dealt a crushing blow to Virginia Democrats Monday, unanimously ruling that the congressional map they submitted was, quote, 'giving off a very weird vibe,' and that the justices 'simply could not in good conscience approve something that looks like a toddler traced a golden retriever.'

'We've seen a lot of maps,' wrote Justice Clarence Thomas in the majority opinion, which was printed on a complimentary cocktail napkin from a Harlan Crow-owned yacht. 'We've seen squares. We've seen rectangles. We have never, in the collective history of this court, seen whatever District 7 is supposed to be. Is that a duck? Why is there a duck?'

Virginia Democrats, who had argued that voters approved the map in the midterms, expressed shock at the ruling, noting that the people of Virginia had clearly and democratically endorsed the duck-shaped district.

'The voters wanted the duck,' said Virginia state senator Roberta Finch, gesturing at a laminated poster of the map she had begun carrying everywhere. 'The duck represents the will of the people. The duck is democracy.'

Republican state officials, who had challenged the map, celebrated outside the courthouse, releasing seventeen balloons shaped like more traditionally rectangular congressional districts.

'This is a victory for common sense, for geometric integrity, and for the great American tradition of drawing maps that are only suspicious in ways we're comfortable with,' said Republican attorney Gerald Hobart, standing next to his own map, which critics noted contained a district shaped almost exactly like a pointing finger directed menacingly at a Black neighborhood in Richmond.

The Court has ordered Virginia to resubmit a new map by Thursday, recommending officials 'use a ruler this time' and 'maybe consider not naming any district The Forbidden Zone.'

At press time, Virginia Democrats had submitted a revised map, which the Supreme Court immediately rejected for 'still being a little too much duck.'