Swiss Government Declares War on Own Mountains After They Refuse to Sign Tourism Contracts
BERN, SWITZERLAND — Following months of failed negotiations, the Swiss Federal Council officially declared war on the country's mountains Tuesday after the towering geological formations refused to sign updated tourism contracts for the upcoming season.
The conflict began when Switzerland's Ministry of Tourism sent formal contract proposals to all 48 peaks over 4,000 meters, demanding they commit to maintaining their picturesque snow caps year-round and guarantee at least 300 sunny days annually for optimal photograph conditions. When the mountains failed to respond by the December 31st deadline, tensions escalated rapidly.
"We've been more than patient," said Tourism Minister Viola Amherd, standing before a war room map covered in red pins marking hostile peaks. "These mountains have been freeloading off our reputation for centuries. It's time they started pulling their weight or face the consequences."
The Matterhorn, Switzerland's most famous peak, has been designated as "Enemy Number One" after allegedly tilting three degrees to the left during a crucial photo shoot for the new tourism brochures, ruining an estimated 50,000 Instagram posts.
"The Matterhorn's behavior has been increasingly erratic," explained Dr. Heinrich Bergmann, Switzerland's newly appointed Minister of Mountain Relations. "Last month it allowed clouds to obscure its peak for six consecutive days, directly violating the unwritten scenic beauty agreements that have governed our relationship since 1291."
The Swiss military has already begun preliminary operations, deploying 147,000 soldiers armed with industrial pickaxes, pressure washers, and strongly-worded multilingual letters. Early reports suggest the mountains are showing signs of resistance, with Mont Blanc allegedly causing three separate avalanches to block military access roads.
"We're dealing with a very stubborn enemy," admitted General Thomas Süssli, while reviewing tactical snow-blowing equipment. "These peaks have been in the same positions for millions of years. They're clearly not interested in compromise."
The international community has responded with concern, with France threatening to recall its ambassador if Switzerland's military operations spill over into French Alpine territory. Austria has preemptively begun peace talks with its own mountains to avoid similar conflicts.
Swiss citizens have shown mixed reactions to the mountain war. Zürich resident Klaus Mueller supports the government's hardline stance: "I pay good money for my cable car tickets. If I can't get a clear view of the Alps, what am I paying for?"
However, environmental groups have criticized the escalation. "This is exactly the kind of geological colonialism that got us into trouble with the glaciers in the first place," said Green Party spokesperson Regula Rytz.
As of press time, the Jungfrau had reportedly sent smoke signals that may constitute either a surrender offer or a declaration of its own counter-offensive. Swiss military linguists are working around the clock to decode the mountain's intentions.