Switzerland Officially Runs Out of Neutral Opinions, Emergency Neutrality Reserves Depleted by Tuesday

GENEVA — In an unprecedented diplomatic crisis, Switzerland announced Tuesday that it has completely exhausted its strategic reserves of neutral opinions, leaving the country's 8.7 million residents unable to avoid taking sides on even the most mundane issues.

The shortage first became apparent last weekend when Swiss citizen Hans Müller was forced to definitively state that he "actually preferred chocolate to vanilla" instead of his usual response of "both have their merits depending on the context and individual preferences."

"This is a disaster of the highest magnitude," said Dr. Ingrid Fencesitter, Director of the Swiss Institute for Strategic Ambiguity. "Our neutrality reserves, carefully stockpiled since 1815, have been completely depleted. We're seeing Swiss people express strong opinions about sandwich fillings, television programs, and even the weather. It's chaos."

The crisis reportedly began during last month's heated international debate over whether hot dogs are sandwiches, which required Switzerland to deploy nearly 40% of its remaining neutral responses. Emergency neutrality protocols were activated, but proved insufficient when a follow-up controversy erupted over pineapple on pizza.

"We had to use phrases like 'it's complicated' and 'there are valid points on both sides' at an unsustainable rate," explained Federal Councillor Ueli Maurer. "By Monday, we were down to our last few 'it depends on how you look at it' statements."

The situation reached a breaking point when Swiss television host Maria Zimmermann was unable to remain diplomatically non-committal about a guest's haircut, instead blurting out that it looked "genuinely terrible."

Switzerland has initiated emergency protocols, including importing provisional neutrality supplies from Finland and attempting to synthesize artificial fence-sitting responses in laboratory conditions. The country has also reached out to Canada for technical assistance in producing large quantities of "sorry, but I can see both perspectives" statements.

"We're exploring all options," said Fencesitter. "We've even considered temporarily outsourcing our neutrality to Luxembourg, though they seem suspiciously enthusiastic about the arrangement."

Meanwhile, neighboring countries are reportedly on high alert. France has begun reinforcing its eastern border with additional opinion-proof barriers, while Italy has stockpiled extra passionate gestures in case of neutrality overflow from the crisis zone.

The international community has offered support, with Norway pledging to share its surplus of measured responses and Belgium contributing several tons of diplomatic equivocation.

Until the crisis is resolved, Swiss citizens are advised to avoid contentious topics such as preferred coffee preparation methods, optimal room temperature, and whether Friday counts as part of the weekend. The government has also issued temporary permits allowing citizens to use the phrase "I don't know, what do you think?" up to three times daily.