Trump Demands His Signature Replace George Washington's Face on Dollar Bills, Citing 'Much Better Penmanship'

WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking move that financial experts are calling 'absolutely bonkers,' President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his signature will not only appear on U.S. currency but will completely dominate the visual landscape of every denomination.

'My signature is tremendous, really tremendous,' Trump declared at a hastily organized press conference held in the White House gift shop. 'People always tell me, 'Sir, your autograph is the most beautiful thing we've ever seen.' Much more beautiful than dead presidents, frankly.'

The new design features Trump's signature written in 72-point Comic Sans font across the entire front of each bill, with Washington, Lincoln, and other former presidents relegated to tiny thumbnail photos in the corners. The back of each bill will display Trump's signature again, but this time in cursive.

'We tried to explain that signatures and faces serve different purposes on currency,' said Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, visibly exhausted. 'But he kept insisting that his John Hancock was 'more recognizable than the Mona Lisa' and demanded we make it bigger.'

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing reports they've already ordered 50,000 gold-plated printing pens after Trump insisted his signature appear in 'only the classiest metallic sheen.' Early prototype bills are reportedly so shimmery they can be seen from space.

Economists warn the new currency may cause international confusion, as foreign exchange traders struggle to distinguish between $1 and $100 bills, both now featuring identical giant signatures with small numbers hidden somewhere in the flourishes.