Trump Waiting By Phone For Iran's Text Back, Has Read Receipts On, Sources Confirm

WASHINGTON — Sources close to the White House confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump is 'totally not checking his phone every five minutes' for Iran's response to his peace proposal, despite having checked his phone every four minutes since Sunday, refreshing his diplomatic inbox with the frantic energy of a teenager awaiting a prom invitation.

'He's considering a different path,' Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters, carefully avoiding the term 'going to post a sad song on his Instagram story.' 'The President remains open to dialogue while simultaneously preparing several backup plans, including but not limited to, calling Iran a loser in ALL CAPS on Truth Social.'

The proposal, reportedly sent via official diplomatic channels and also somehow a Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin, contained Trump's key terms for peace, which insiders describe as 'very good terms, maybe the best terms anyone has ever seen, tremendous terms, people are saying.'

Pakistani and Qatari mediators have reportedly been placed in the uncomfortable position of cosmic middlemen, essentially texting Iran on Trump's behalf with messages like 'ok but did you even READ what he wrote' and 'he said he's open to talking if you want to talk but he's not going to BEG you.'

Iran, for its part, has left the message on 'seen' since approximately Thursday, a diplomatic maneuver that analysts are calling 'extraordinarily petty and frankly kind of impressive.'

'We are monitoring all possible pathways,' said a senior State Department official who asked not to be named, 'including the pathway where the President buys a new phone because he's convinced this one is broken and that's why Iran hasn't responded.'

At press time, Trump had drafted fourteen different responses to send the moment Iran replied, ranging from 'cool' to a 400-word message explaining why he wasn't mad, he was just disappointed.