U.S. Officially Charges Cuba's Entire Communist Government With Being 'Extremely Annoying,' Sources Confirm

WASHINGTON — In what legal scholars are calling 'an unprecedented move' and also 'sure, why not,' the Department of Justice formally charged former Cuban President Raúl Castro Monday with multiple felony counts of Running A Country In A Way That Really Grinds America's Gears.

The 340-page indictment, which took federal prosecutors approximately four years to produce and Castro approximately four seconds to ignore, alleges that the 92-year-old revolutionary committed numerous crimes including Leading A Communist Government Within Eyeshot Of Florida, Refusing To Just Be Normal About Things, and one count of Waving Defiantly At A Satellite.

'This indictment sends a clear message,' said Attorney General Pam Bondi, standing before a podium adorned with an American flag and what appeared to be a mojito someone had left behind. 'That message is: we have a printer, we are not afraid to use it, and Cuba is extremely on notice.'

Legal experts noted several challenges with actually prosecuting the case, chief among them being that Castro lives in Cuba, has never expressed any intention of visiting a U.S. federal courthouse, and according to most available intelligence, 'genuinely could not care less.'

'We will extradite him,' a senior DOJ official told reporters, before a second official gently placed a hand on the first official's shoulder and led him away.

The Cuban government responded to the charges Tuesday with an official statement consisting entirely of the Spanish equivalent of a shrug emoji.

The indictment is widely seen as the culmination of America's multifaceted pressure campaign against Cuba, a strategy that has involved economic sanctions, travel restrictions, strongly worded letters, and at last count, eleven distinct attempts to explode Fidel Castro's beard, all of which occurred before Raúl even took office.

'Charging a 92-year-old foreign head of state who has no intention of surrendering himself to American justice is bold, visionary, and frankly the most exciting thing to happen to our mailroom in years,' said one DOJ staffer, who asked to remain anonymous because he 'doesn't need this.'

When reached for comment, a framed portrait of Castro hanging in the Cuban government building reportedly gave no statement but appeared, witnesses said, 'absolutely unbothered.'

At press time, the DOJ had reportedly begun drafting a strongly worded cease-and-desist letter to the ghost of Che Guevara, just to cover all the bases.