US Coast Guard Discovers Ship Was Just Playing Dead to Avoid Paying Dock Fees

SAIPAN - In what maritime experts are calling "the most pathetic attempt at insurance fraud since the Titanic claimed it hit an iceberg instead of admitting the captain was texting," the US Coast Guard revealed Thursday that missing cargo ship Mariana was found floating upside-down in a deliberate ruse to avoid paying dock fees.

Coast Guard Captain Jennifer Walsh discovered the deception when she spotted the vessel's crew playing cards on the hull while wearing "I Survived Typhoon Mawar" t-shirts they had apparently pre-ordered on Amazon Prime.

"We approached what we thought was a maritime disaster, only to find Captain Rodriguez had simply flipped his ship over like a dead beetle," Walsh reported. "When we asked why, he handed us a crumpled invoice for $47 in harbor fees and started sobbing uncontrollably."

The Mariana's alleged "engine failure" was reportedly just Captain Rodriguez turning off the ignition and making sputtering noises with his mouth whenever Coast Guard vessels approached.

"Look, times are tough in the dry cargo business," explained Rodriguez from his upside-down captain's quarters, where he had thoughtfully bolted all furniture to the ceiling in preparation. "Do you know how many boxes of discontinued Beanie Babies I'd have to ship to make forty-seven dollars?"

The Coast Guard has since issued new protocols requiring all "capsized" vessels to provide death certificates for their ships before qualifying for emergency rescue operations.