Opinion

Fresh opinion absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.

21 articles

Interagency Domestic Cooling Apparatus Oversight Panel Issues Urgent Advisory That Refrigerators Which Are Plugged In Are Currently Using Electricity To Remain Cold, Energy Continuity Analysts Warn Phenomenon Is 'Ongoing, Utility-Billed, And Occurring Behind The Vegetable Drawer'

Federal thermal researchers are sounding the alarm after a landmark 612-page study confirmed that cold air, when given an open refrigerator door and approximately zero barriers, exits the refrigerator. Authorities are urging calm but describe the situation as 'gap-enabled, Freon-adjacent, and your mom was right about this.'

Opinion•3 min read

Breaking: Multinational Slumber Continuity Bureau Formally Establishes That Humans Found Sleeping Were Asleep At The Moment They Were Found, Nocturnal State Verification Officers Confirm Status Was 'Restful, Posture-Dependent, And Not Something They Could Confirm Themselves Due To Being Asleep'

After nine years, forty-seven researchers, and a budget exceeding $34 million, the International Coalition of Sleep Researchers has officially confirmed that sleeping people are, in fact, not awake. Critics are calling the findings 'brave,' 'necessary,' and 'something my four-year-old also knows.'

Opinion•3 min read

Interagency Calendar Compliance Bureau Issues Formal Clarification Establishing That Wednesday, Which Occurred Between Tuesday And Thursday This Week, Did So In The Correct Sequence, Chronological Integrity Officers Describe Midweek Placement As 'Anticipated, Non-Negotiable, And Alphabetically Irrelevant'

The City of Branton Heights held a four-hour emergency summit Tuesday to formally confirm that cars which had been parked were, in fact, parked. No follow-up action is planned at this time.

Opinion•3 min read

Peer-Reviewed Journal Accepts 400-Page Study Establishing That Hot Things Are Warmer Than Cold Things At The Moment When They Are Warmer, Lead Researcher Describes Temperature Differential As 'Measurable, Directional, And Worth Every Grant Dollar'

A seventeen-member research team has published what colleagues are calling 'the most aggressively obvious findings since the field began,' definitively proving that soup, when removed from a heat source and left on a countertop, becomes cooler over time. The paper has been accepted to four journals.

Opinion•3 min read

Interagency Pedestrian Crossing Continuity Division Issues Formal Policy Brief Determining That Individual Who Walked Across Street Has Now Reached The Other Side Of The Street, Movement Analysts Describe Transit As 'Completed, Directional, And No Longer In Progress'

The Regional Parking Variance Appeals Board has released a 94-page policy brief confirming that a 2019 Honda Civic, having departed its designated space at 2:41 PM, is no longer there. Local officials held a press conference to announce they would be holding a press conference about it.

Opinion•3 min read

Tri-Federal Napkin Deployment Review Council Issues Mandatory Advisory After Dinner Guest Placed Napkin On Lap At Start Of Meal And Then Did Not Place It There Again Because It Was Already There, Textile Observers Describe Placement As 'Initial, Intentional, And Undisturbed For The Duration Of The Entrée'

The Department of Nonsense's Interagency Chair Comfort Determination Panel has released its long-awaited 340-page assessment of a sitting-to-standing transition observed last Tuesday in a Dayton, Ohio conference room, calling the event 'procedurally coherent and largely unremarkable except insofar as it required this report.'

Opinion•3 min read

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Tri-County Door Interaction Monitoring Bureau Urges Citizens To 'Proceed With Caution' After Revolving Door In Downtown Hartwell Continued To Revolve In The Same Direction It Has Always Revolved, Notes Direction Was 'Marked, Consistent, And Rotating'

Federal authorities are urging calm after a nationwide pattern emerged this week confirming that doors labeled 'Push' have continued, without interruption or exception, to require pushing. Citizens are advised to read signs before engaging with doors, though officials acknowledge this recommendation was also printed on a sign that several people pulled.

Opinion•3 min read

Tri-County Nutrition Advisory Panel Issues Landmark Determination That Food Consumed At Breakfast Was Eaten In The Morning, Notes Meal Timing Was 'Consistent With The Name Of The Meal'

A coalition of regional sleep researchers has released a landmark 217-page report confirming that the act of waking up does, in fact, conclude any sleep that was happening at the time. Experts are calling the findings 'directionally sound' and 'worth laminating.'

Opinion•3 min read

Tri-County Precipitation Oversight Panel Releases 340-Page Report Confirming Tuesday's Rain Occurred On Tuesday, Notes Day Of Week Was 'Consistent With The Calendar And Also Pre-Announced'

The Regional Water Authority has issued a formal seven-paragraph memorandum confirming that rain recorded on Tuesday did, in fact, fall, and furthermore that it fell downward. Officials describe the memo as 'clarifying in tone but not in substance.'

Opinion•3 min read

Public Safety Alert: Town's One Revolving Door Has Entered A Phase Of Slightly Faster Rotation, Emergency Management Office Urges Residents To 'Pre-Spin Mentally' Before Approaching

Crestwood Township's Emergency Management Office has elevated its revolving door advisory to a Level Two Public Inconvenience after the door at the Pelham Street Municipal Annex was clocked rotating at what officials describe as 'a pace that does not leave adequate time for bag adjustment.' Residents are urged to remain calm, rotate their bodies slightly in advance, and avoid bringing unwieldy tote bags until further notice.

Opinion•3 min read

Peer-Reviewed Study Confirms Soup Cools Down When Left Out, Research Team Cautions Against 'Premature Conclusions' About Soup Temperature Trajectory

A 14-month longitudinal study published in the Journal of Applied Thermal Gastronomy has confirmed that soup, when removed from a heat source and placed on a countertop, does in fact become cooler. Experts are urging the public not to panic.

Opinion•3 min read

Official Policy Brief Determines Midday Hunger Is 'Chronologically Downstream' Of Morning Hunger, Experts Call Findings 'A Strong Foundation For Further Hunger Research'

The Department of Nonsense has concluded a 14-month investigation into the temporal placement of lunch, releasing findings that confirm the meal does, in fact, occur after breakfast and before dinner, pending appeal.

Opinion•3 min read

Tri-Valley Optics Council Releases Seventeen-Page Report Explaining That Mirrors Show You Yourself, Notes That 'You' Is Doing A Lot Of Work In That Sentence

A four-year study by the Greater Millhaven Institute for Applied Light Behavior has concluded that shadows are produced by objects blocking light sources, and not, as several community members had reportedly assumed, by the darkness gathering behind things on its own initiative.

Opinion•3 min read

Public Works Advisory Confirms Escalators Are Still Going Somewhere, Destination Remains Under Separate Review

Authorities are urging calm after new data confirmed that revolving doors across the metropolitan area have shown no signs of stopping on their own, a finding officials describe as 'ongoing and unresolved.' A Thursday mediation has been convened, though the doors have not confirmed attendance.

Opinion•3 min read

Breaking: Tri-County Watershed Commission Clarifies That Water Has Always Been Wet, Describes Discovery As 'Actionable But Sensitive'

The Municipal Water Authority released a 47-page policy briefing Tuesday confirming that water is, in fact, wet, while carefully stopping short of recommending any specific response to this information.

Opinion•3 min read

Federal Researchers Confirm Elevator Doors Will, In Fact, Close On Their Own If You Simply Wait, Nation Urged To Stand Still And Allow The Process

A landmark three-year study has confirmed that elevator doors are fully capable of closing without human intervention, prompting an urgent public safety alert advising Americans to stop jabbing the button repeatedly and simply exist for four seconds.

Opinion•3 min read

Breaking: Chief People Officer Clarifies That 'Bringing Your Whole Self To Work' Was Not An Invitation To Bring Greg, HR Asks Greg To Please Return To The Car

Meridian Solutions Group's quarterly all-hands meeting entered its fourth unscheduled hour Tuesday after Chief People Officer Dana Frelke paused mid-slide to clarify that the company's longstanding 'Bring Your Whole Self To Work' initiative was, and she cannot stress this enough, a figure of speech.

Opinion•3 min read

Multi-Year Inquiry Determines Soup Has Been Liquid This Entire Time, Working Group Asks Public To Sit With That

After thirty-eight months of federally funded research, a bipartisan panel of staircase experts has released a landmark 340-page report confirming that stairs function as a bidirectional transit system, urging Americans to 'proceed with tempered expectations in both directions.'

Opinion•3 min read

Federal Study Finds 94% Of People Who Say 'Almost There' On Phone Are Stationary, Parked, Or In A Different State

A landmark study published Tuesday in the Journal of Behavioral Infrastructure has confirmed what millions have long suspected: the door close button in virtually every elevator built since 1990 is, and has always been, completely decorative. Authorities are urging the public to remain calm and to continue pressing it anyway.

Opinion•3 min read

Groundbreaking Study Confirms Soup Is Just Wet Salad, Forcing Immediate Reclassification Of 14,000 Years Of Human Cuisine

A team of researchers at the Culinary Institute of Dimensional Food Logic has published what they are calling 'the most consequential paper in the history of eating,' concluding definitively that soup and salad are the same dish at different levels of personal commitment to liquid.

Opinion•3 min read

Landmark Study Finds That Saying 'Almost There' On A Road Trip Is Statistically Proven To Add 45 Minutes To Any Journey

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has released an emergency public safety bulletin urging Americans to seek immediate professional evaluation if they habitually leave a single sad forkful of food on their plate out of what researchers are now calling 'courtesy psychosis.' Officials warn the condition affects an estimated 240 million adults and has been quietly destabilizing dinner tables for decades.

Opinion•3 min read