Fresh opinion absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.
4 articles
After thirty-eight months of federally funded research, a bipartisan panel of staircase experts has released a landmark 340-page report confirming that stairs function as a bidirectional transit system, urging Americans to 'proceed with tempered expectations in both directions.'
A landmark study published Tuesday in the Journal of Behavioral Infrastructure has confirmed what millions have long suspected: the door close button in virtually every elevator built since 1990 is, and has always been, completely decorative. Authorities are urging the public to remain calm and to continue pressing it anyway.
A team of researchers at the Culinary Institute of Dimensional Food Logic has published what they are calling 'the most consequential paper in the history of eating,' concluding definitively that soup and salad are the same dish at different levels of personal commitment to liquid.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has released an emergency public safety bulletin urging Americans to seek immediate professional evaluation if they habitually leave a single sad forkful of food on their plate out of what researchers are now calling 'courtesy psychosis.' Officials warn the condition affects an estimated 240 million adults and has been quietly destabilizing dinner tables for decades.