Fresh opinion absurdities, written with complete confidence and minimal connection to reality.
14 articles
A coalition of regional sleep researchers has released a landmark 217-page report confirming that the act of waking up does, in fact, conclude any sleep that was happening at the time. Experts are calling the findings 'directionally sound' and 'worth laminating.'
The Regional Water Authority has issued a formal seven-paragraph memorandum confirming that rain recorded on Tuesday did, in fact, fall, and furthermore that it fell downward. Officials describe the memo as 'clarifying in tone but not in substance.'
Crestwood Township's Emergency Management Office has elevated its revolving door advisory to a Level Two Public Inconvenience after the door at the Pelham Street Municipal Annex was clocked rotating at what officials describe as 'a pace that does not leave adequate time for bag adjustment.' Residents are urged to remain calm, rotate their bodies slightly in advance, and avoid bringing unwieldy tote bags until further notice.
A 14-month longitudinal study published in the Journal of Applied Thermal Gastronomy has confirmed that soup, when removed from a heat source and placed on a countertop, does in fact become cooler. Experts are urging the public not to panic.
The Department of Nonsense has concluded a 14-month investigation into the temporal placement of lunch, releasing findings that confirm the meal does, in fact, occur after breakfast and before dinner, pending appeal.
A four-year study by the Greater Millhaven Institute for Applied Light Behavior has concluded that shadows are produced by objects blocking light sources, and not, as several community members had reportedly assumed, by the darkness gathering behind things on its own initiative.
Authorities are urging calm after new data confirmed that revolving doors across the metropolitan area have shown no signs of stopping on their own, a finding officials describe as 'ongoing and unresolved.' A Thursday mediation has been convened, though the doors have not confirmed attendance.
The Municipal Water Authority released a 47-page policy briefing Tuesday confirming that water is, in fact, wet, while carefully stopping short of recommending any specific response to this information.
A landmark three-year study has confirmed that elevator doors are fully capable of closing without human intervention, prompting an urgent public safety alert advising Americans to stop jabbing the button repeatedly and simply exist for four seconds.
Meridian Solutions Group's quarterly all-hands meeting entered its fourth unscheduled hour Tuesday after Chief People Officer Dana Frelke paused mid-slide to clarify that the company's longstanding 'Bring Your Whole Self To Work' initiative was, and she cannot stress this enough, a figure of speech.
After thirty-eight months of federally funded research, a bipartisan panel of staircase experts has released a landmark 340-page report confirming that stairs function as a bidirectional transit system, urging Americans to 'proceed with tempered expectations in both directions.'
A landmark study published Tuesday in the Journal of Behavioral Infrastructure has confirmed what millions have long suspected: the door close button in virtually every elevator built since 1990 is, and has always been, completely decorative. Authorities are urging the public to remain calm and to continue pressing it anyway.
A team of researchers at the Culinary Institute of Dimensional Food Logic has published what they are calling 'the most consequential paper in the history of eating,' concluding definitively that soup and salad are the same dish at different levels of personal commitment to liquid.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has released an emergency public safety bulletin urging Americans to seek immediate professional evaluation if they habitually leave a single sad forkful of food on their plate out of what researchers are now calling 'courtesy psychosis.' Officials warn the condition affects an estimated 240 million adults and has been quietly destabilizing dinner tables for decades.