Aaron Rodgers Waits Until Final Millisecond To Decide Whether To Continue Existing As A Physical Entity

PITTSBURGH — NFL quarterback and self-described 'consciousness pioneer' Aaron Rodgers pushed the Pittsburgh Steelers to the absolute brink of organizational collapse this week after waiting until the last conceivable moment before announcing his decision to play football, a sport he has theoretically been paid to play for the past 20 years.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin confirmed Tuesday that Rodgers had submitted his official commitment exactly 0.003 seconds before the NFL's deadline, delivered via a hand-rolled parchment scroll sealed with beeswax and the faint scent of ayahuasca.

'He said he needed to be fully present with the decision,' Tomlin told reporters, visibly aged 15 years beyond his appearance from last month. 'We respect that. We respect the process. I personally do not understand the process, but I respect it deeply and also with great fear.'

Rodgers, 41, reportedly spent the final 72 hours of the deliberation period alone in a sensory deprivation tank in rural Montana, where he claims he received 'a vision of completion' after his third consciousness and his fourth consciousness reached a consensus that his fifth consciousness had been wrong about everything.

'I wasn't unsure about football,' Rodgers clarified in a 47-minute Instagram video filmed entirely in the dark. 'I was unsure about the concept of certainty itself. There's a difference. The Steelers needed to understand that. Also the Packers never understood that. Also I was right about everything always.'

Steelers general manager Omar Khan admitted the team had contingency plans in place, including three backup quarterbacks, two shamans who could communicate with Rodgers dimensionally, and one voodoo priest who was originally hired to reverse whatever this is.

'At one point he texted us a single photo of a redwood tree and nothing else,' Khan said, staring into the middle distance. 'We chose to interpret that as optimistic.'

At press time, Rodgers had already begun reconsidering whether time zones are real.