Anti-Defamation League Announces Plans To Defame Abe Foxman Just Once, 'As A Treat,' Following His Passing

NEW YORK—In an unprecedented departure from their nearly 111-year mission, the Anti-Defamation League announced Monday that, in honor of longtime director Abe Foxman, the organization would spend exactly one afternoon defaming him, 'just to see what it felt like.'

'Abe dedicated 28 years of his life to making sure nobody said anything bad about anyone,' said current ADL CEO Jonathan Greenblatt, visibly trembling with the thrill of doing something forbidden. 'So we figured the best way to honor him was to absolutely drag him, just once, in a safe and controlled environment.'

A press release issued by the organization described Foxman as 'a real piece of work,' 'kind of a lot sometimes,' and 'the sort of guy who would absolutely issue a formal statement about this press release.'

The ADL stressed that the roast would last no longer than 45 minutes, after which they would issue a full retraction, a formal apology, and place themselves on their own watch list.

'We actually had to hire an outside consultant because none of us knew how to defame anyone,' admitted ADL spokeswoman Rachel Cohen, shuffling papers nervously. 'We kept accidentally complimenting him. Someone called him a 'tireless advocate' and we had to start the whole thing over.'

Foxman, sources confirm, spent his entire career combating antisemitism, hate speech, and discrimination, which the ADL noted made him 'objectively very hard to roast' and 'frankly kind of annoying in retrospect.'

At press time, the ADL had abandoned the project entirely after a junior staffer described Foxman's tie collection as 'not great,' prompting the organization to issue a 47-page report on the long history of unfair criticism of neckwear choices in America.