Area Golf Course Reports Unusually High Volume Of Sad, Wealthy Men Exiting Premises Before Saturday, Urges Public Vigilance

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — This is a Public Safety Alert from the Channel 4 Action News Desk.

At approximately 3:47 p.m. Friday, emergency dispatchers received reports of multiple professional golfers exiting the grounds of Shinnecock Hills Golf Club without completing the weekend portion of the U.S. Open. Officials confirm the individuals are not in immediate danger, but are described as emotionally adrift and in possession of very large bags.

'We're asking people not to panic,' said Southampton Township Public Information Officer Donna Kurtz, reading from a prepared statement at a press conference that had not been planned until twenty minutes prior. 'But we do want to make the community aware that several high-profile golfers are now among us, with nowhere specific to be until their next LIV Golf event, which is in like three weeks.'

The two primary individuals of concern are Bryson DeChambeau, 31, described as large, intense, and reportedly still doing math in his head about what went wrong, and Jon Rahm, 31, described as Spanish, compact, and 'visibly processing.'

Both men are considered non-threatening but may appear disoriented if approached in public, particularly near driving ranges, hotel breakfast buffets, or anywhere with a putting surface.

DeChambeau, sources confirm, has now missed the cut at a major for the fourth consecutive time since joining LIV Golf, a streak that local meteorologists say is statistically comparable to 'a cold front that just keeps stalling over the same town and nobody knows why.'

Rahm, who ejected from the tournament in what officials described only as 'an abrupt and complete fashion,' was last seen heading northbound on Route 27 in a courtesy shuttle, staring out the window at a Chili's.

'We've activated our Missing Competitive Context Protocol,' said Kurtz, gesturing to a laminated chart behind her that appeared to have been made in Microsoft Word sometime earlier that day. 'This is the same protocol we use when the county fair ends early or a farmers market closes in under two hours. People lose their sense of where they're supposed to be. It's a public wellness issue.'

Authorities noted that the two golfers were not alone in departing Shinnecock Hills prematurely, with several other players also clearing the grounds by Friday evening. However, DeChambeau and Rahm were singled out due to what officials called their 'elevated public recognition index' and the concern that 'someone might try to get a photo with them and they're not in the headspace for it right now.'

Residents are advised to give both men a respectful distance of no less than one arm's length, to avoid asking about their scorecards, and under no circumstances to say the phrase 'there's always next year' within earshot.

A community support hotline has been established. It is also for the golfers, should they need it.

This has been a Public Safety Alert. Channel 4 Action News will continue to monitor the situation and provide updates as the men are located, or until they find something to do with their weekend.